This One Time I Had This Submissive…

‘You had me at spanking!’

That was how Nanette started our little adventure. She found my profile on a dating site, and was intrigued by my being a Dom. We chatted a little, and decided to meet in person, and she was just delicious! Nanette had been fantasizing for years about being dominated. She had played around with a collar once, and liked her partners to spank her, but she’d not yet had the opportunity to really be submissive.

Of course, I offered her my services! Hell, she was cute, curvy, had great tits, and was just too damn eager. And I rather liked her.

Before we did anything physical, I let Lylith know I was about to add another partner, and she did not take the news well. I’m not really sure why she was threatened, she was looking for another guy to date, and a girl and as well. But people are not always rational. I assured her Nanette would not threaten our relationship, and forged ahead.

Nanette was painfully shy, and was more than a little anxious about the BDSM stuff, so we went slowly. I had to establish trust, and this was a good opportunity. Our first time playing together I assured her I would stay above the waist, and that I would not try to take her shirt off. I was, however, allowed to try to convince her to take it off. She did. And I was a good boy, and did not break my rule. We did this in several frustrating stages, leading up to full on incredible sex. And then the bondage started. And the spankings.

Oh how she loved the spankings.

I didn’t know her pain tolerance, so we started slowly. And when she said ‘stop’, I stopped. I wanted her to learn that she was in control of how far we went, how fast, how hard. After a few sessions, once she was fully comfortable that she could stop things, we chose a Safe Word. And then I could ignore her cries of pain, her pleas to ‘stop’, her screams and shrieks as she struggled against her bonds.

But she couldn’t handle the polyamory.

We had set up a three month trial period, so she could try it out, explore her fantasies, and know she had an easy out coming up. And sadly, even though she was also dating another guy, she was unable to handle her feelings of jealousy with my wife, and shortly after our trial period passed, she ended things. She even met my wife, and they got along famously.

But for her, sex meant love and love meant possession. She could not handle not having all of me. Part of me was not enough.

The interesting thing was she had a unique part of me that no one else has had. Full on Dom Myrddwn.

Now, I’ll happily Top a woman, but so far I’d notr had a relationship that was fully defined by Dominance and submission. My wife, for instance, I cannot fully Dominate outside of the bedroom, as we are just too set in being partners. I know many people in the lifestyle who can do that, but we cannot. This was an incredible opportunity for me. I was able to explore Dominance to a level I had not been able to before.  Our entire relationship was defined by her being my little submissive pet. And I loved it.

It wasn’t just that the entire relationship was based on BDSM, it was also the fact that we each were exploring it fully together. She was new, and while I was not, I am still relatively inexperienced. It was the perfect set up, a chance for us both to learn without fear of being inadequate.

Ah Monogamous Expectations of Ownership and Exclusion, you suck balls.

 

 

 

 

 

How Many Is Enough? How Many Is Too Many?

What is the ideal number of polyamorous relationships?

Difficult question. Everybody is different, has different needs, different capabilities, differing amounts of time and energy. You might as well ask how many children is enough/too many.

For me this is definitely a practical question, a matter of juggling time and commitments rather than limited affection. Each new relationship I add takes just a little bit away from my existing ones And no matter how carefully I try to plan, conflicts will arise.

Just about the only real drama I experienced with Isadora(other than the sadness of losing her) arose from such a situation. Kaliope. Now, I was pretty damn content with Bayani and Isadora, I wasn’t looking for anything more when Kaliope messaged me on the dating sight I most often use. We started talking, and hit it off pretty well, we met for coffee and discovered we were seriously attracted to each other. We met a second time, and after the third meeting(which is when I usually know for certain if I am going to continue dating a woman), I told Isadora about her. I believe I used the words ‘going to continue to see her’. This implied to Isadora that I had been seeing her for some time now, rather than just the first three ‘test’ dates.  She was upset at first, but we worked it out without any further problems. Kaliope didn’t work out in the end, which was really a good thing, because I found I was unable to balance my commitments to Bayani and Isadora with finding time for this new relationship.

Looks like I can handle a Primary and one Secondary, but not two. I can even handle a Tertiary in the form of a FWB, but that’s about it. One of each. The priority ranking system seems to work pretty well for me, at least for keeping track of what I can and cannot handle. I can have one Primary, but could not handle two without taking too much away from Bayani. A Secondary does take some time from her, but not enough to really cause drama, while another Secondary would take away from an existing Secondary. And I can handle a FWB without taking any noticeable time/affection from my Secondary. So I get one of each.

This is of course only about practical considerations, I’ve not even begun to talk about how my Secondary might react emotionally to the presence of an existing or new Tertiary.

Most telling if my experience with Kaliope is that ‘not looking’ is not enough, I have to keep myself from even meeting new interesting girls or something might develop that could interfere with my existing relationships, unless I can be absolutely certain she will remain firmly in the FWB/Tertiary category.

I have a new Secondary. I have a new Girlfriend, and I am so very excited about her. Meet Lylith.

As things with Isadora began to come to an end, when I knew we had had sex for the last time but had not yet had ‘the talk’, this lovely and interesting new girl messaged me. We started talking, and hit it off very well right from the start. Her timing was impeccable. One week earlier and I would have determinedly kept her at arms length because of the lesson I learned from Kaliope. One week later and she might have had competition from a few of the other women in the poly community I know. News travels fast in poly circles and within only a few days of breaking up with Isadora, three different women were applying for her position. I would have had fun interviewing them, several times each in fact, but ultimately would not have hired any. Just not enough of an emotional connection with them, not like I am developing with Lylith.

And so now I am doggedly determined to not do anything that might jeopardize my new relationship. No meeting girls that could possibly turn into new Secondaries, it’s not worth the risk. Tertiaries are another matter.

I have one FWB right now. Sort of. It’s hard to count such relationships, as Tertiaries come and go, moving in and out of and back into my life. Sometimes there are none, sometimes as many as three. I don’t chase them, don’t go looking for additional sexual partners, but I really do like having the option to add casual sex to existing friendships. I don’t fuck random women, no one night stands; but with someone I already know and trust, yes I will happily toss sex into the mix. I have to tread lightly right now though, as I am still developing my relationship with Lylith. Of course I will tell her about any new sexual relationships, just as I trust she will extend to me the same courtesy. One of Bayani’s boyfriends has not been doing this, but that’s another subject entirely.

Everybody approaches polyamory differently, entering into new romantic or sexual relationships more or less casually than I. And who am I to judge? Just as everybody will have a different ideal polyamorous life. I know where I am comfortable, I know what I can handle, I know what gives me the most joy and contentment.

Right now Lylith is bringing me joy and contentment. I don’t know where this will lead, or low long it will last, but I am happy right now with what I have, and that is enough.

Well That Was Over Fast- Ooh Look More Cuties!

There is something magical about the number three.

In Fish Stories I talked about my curious habit of counting sexual instances, hoping for that magical third time. It’s a guy thing, maybe, or perhaps some hidden insecurities are creeping up to whisper in my ear. Hildegard made it to the magical third time.

Then she dumped my ass.

Hildegard and I shared great connection as we first corresponded through email, and that same spark was still there when we met in person, plus a rather intense sexual attraction. You could have bottled the pheromones floating in the air around us.

Bayani could read this chemistry as easily as she reads every other emotional reaction of mine. And she didn’t like it. A strong emotional connection is one thing, but add in a fierce sexual attraction, and she was more than a little bit threatened. And then she met Hildegard for the first time. And she freaked out.

Bayani was being very accommodating, and had offered to take the kids out of the house to give Hildegard and I a few hours of alone time. Coincidentally, my mother was taking the kids overnight, so Bayani had an opportunity to drop them off and then head up to Beau’s house. She cried the entire way. I will let Bayani write about her reaction, as she knows much better than I what she was going through, and why. To her credit, she did not allow any of her negative reactions affect her behavior towards my new relationship with Hildegard. There was only so much I could do, was willing to do, to accommodate my wife’s reaction. On the one hand, I did not want to do anything to make her unhappy; but on the other hand, she might very well have this kind of reaction to any woman I chose to date. Bayani assured me this was just something she needed to work through, that while she was not fine at the moment, she would be. I trusted her and proceeded, keeping her emotional state in mind.

Hidlegard had never dated a married man before. I had told her that I would prefer she date other men while she was dating me, as I could only offer her so much. She was new to the whole polyamorous thing, but was open to exploring. Then she met this man in Denver, a man with whom she could share a much more intense personal connection than she did with me(they were both musicians, I have zero musical talent). Bit by bit, our talk shifted from geekery and politics and sexuality and religion, to pure sex. As this other man filled her need for an emotional connection, I began to fill only the sexual needs.

And the sex was fantastic.

Sorry Bayani, I know you don’t want to read this, but it was. Well, no more fantastic than the sex has been with any of the other women I have shared an intense emotional/intellectual connection with, and was not nearly as satisfying as it is with Bayani. And I was able to help Hildegard explore new things: she had never been spanked or tied up, and found with my help that she enjoyed both. She giggled the entire time I spanked her.

But she wanted more than just sex, she wanted a relationship. She fell in love with this man in Denver. A man she has never met, and would not meet for at least six more weeks. And once again, monogamy reared it’s ugly head. She chose him over me.

Damn.

Now, I want Hildegard to be happy, I really do. I hope things work out with Mr Denver, I hope she can be happy with him. But I can still lament the loss of a really awesome gall.

And so once again I find myself moving on, looking for another girl, another connection, another relationship. At the moment I have been corresponding with several women I have met online. Yesterday I met one for coffee, a lovely, quiet, deliciously curvy girl; and tonight after work I will be meeting another for a beer. Mrs Coffee is much more the type Bayani would want me to be with, less classically beautiful and more on the plus side of plus sized, but is absolutely my type and I find I am seriously attracted to her. She is also married and polyamorous, though they are new to the lifestyle and I would be her first male lover since her husband. Ms Beer is a few years older than I and is deep her super-libido phase,  is rather hot, and is also open to polyamory. She might be looking for more of a fuck buddy thing, which is not exactly what I want. It’s difficult to let go of the possibility of screwing an attractive, highly sexual woman. And honestly, it’s flattering that she is so interested in me. I will have to see what comes of our meeting tonight, if it’s just about physical chemistry and sex, I may have to pass.

Damn, it sucks to be mature.

*Update: Mrs Beer did not work out. Mrs Coffee did for a while, and had lovely massive boobs. At that time I also met Isadora, whom I dated for about a year and a half.*

New Year, New Relationships

I almost had me a virgin.

Wait, let me rephrase that. I almost popped her cherry. No, that’s not right. I almost took her- no. I almost participated in her first shared erotic experience. That’s better. This was how I was going to start out my post about being with a virgin for the first time. We’ve talked before about virginity and giving value to breaking the hymen, and I thought it would be a good chance to open up that discussion again. But it never happened.

This was a girl I approached on Craig’sList. She was a bit(ok, a lot) younger than I, and there was nothing in her ad that blatantly said she would be open to dating a married man. But she was incredibly open minded, she replied and we almost instantly shared a very strong intellectual connection. We decided to meet, and the connection was still there in person. I was looking forward to sharing her first shared erotic experience. We got to second base. I wanted to take it slowly with her, easing into the experience. After we got to second base, she realized she wanted to do with me all those coupley things I could not do, and she was mature enough to recognize this. We ended things amicably.

Bayani in the meantime had found a new beaux. I guess after loosing Fanny(still friends, just no more sex) we both wanted a new relationship. We both have profiles on OkCupid, and she changed her account from ‘looking for bi girls’ to ‘looking for guys and girls’, and she was inundated with messages from horny men. I was a little taken aback by the difference in how these sites work for men vs women. Men are the active hunters, we have to put ourselves out there, searching for women and messaging them, trying valiantly to set ourselves apart from the hordes of other creepy internet perverts. She was able to simply sit back and sift through the chaff.

She found one, several actually, but one stood out. Let’s call him Beauregard. They met, and she fell in love. I was taken aback by the speed at which they connected, at the enthusiasm she showed for this new guy. I have adjusted now, and they are having a lot of fun together. She is totally twitterpated.

Meeting him was interesting, I like the guy, and was surprised to find I had virtually no negative emotions from our first meeting.

Beauregard is married, and his wife has been very accommodating. She even took the kids(ours and theirs) out for pizza so Bayani and Beau could have some alone time.

After their first time I was able to withhold my probing questions for a few days, to allow her to process things first.

I had some initial reactions to the frequency with witch they meet, but have realized that those are mostly my subconscious attempting to maintain a sense of control. I am learning to let go, to not get in the way of her relationship, and she is being patient with me as I do so.

And then I met Hildegarde.

I was contacting a number of women on OkCupid, talking to a few but none stood out. This one cutie caught my attention, though there wasn’t really anything in her profile indicating she was polyamorous. Maybe she just seemed open minded. So for the second time in as many months I contacted a woman who did not at first appear open to dating a married man. And for the second time, I had found a woman who was incredibly open minded, and who replied.

We connected, and decided to meet. She plays Dungeons and Dragons, she has opinions on which Dr Who is the best Doctor, and we argued for an hour over weather Superman was a better hero than Batman. I backed the Bat, btw, as he does everything Superman does, only without super powers.

The sexual tension between was palpable.

It did not take long for us to want to have sex, and Bayani stepped up and offered to take the kids out of the house for a few hours for us. She also wanted to meet this girl who had me all flustered.

That did not go well.

Oh, the sex was spectacular. It seems that Bayani had been holding off some jealousy for the past year or so, repressing it, and coming face to face with this new woman brought it all to the surface. I could tell she was uncomfortable meeting Hilde, so I took her out to see the chickens while Bayani got the kids out of the house.

Bayani assures me she is fine now. And no, I did not just go ahead and fuck another woman while my wife ran out of the house crying. She didn’t cry till she got to Beau’s house. I took Hilde out to lunch first, and I was not willing to take her home till Bayani could promise me she was or would be fine. She did, and is. This was a new experience for her. Before this all of our partners were either shared, or were existing friend relationships that grew to include sexual intimacy. This was the first woman I had met entirely on my own, entirely separate from her world.

Things are going well with each of these new relationships at the moment. I don’t know how long either will last, so we are just enjoying them while we can.

I will write more about each of these relationships, and our reactions to them, but for now this little update will have to do.

It’s funny, for months not much has been happening that is worth writing about, and suddenly here we are with two new people in our life and a whole lot to write about.

A new year, with new relationships, new drama, new personal growth.

An Interesting Conversation

I unload freight for a living, and right now is Peak Season, when lots of people double-shift to help move the extra product. Last night I was in a trailer with some dude double-shifting from the midnight sort. I walk in, we nod to each other in greeting, and begin unloading packages.

After about five minutes of conversationless work, he speaks up. “Hey man, you uh, you uh, you married, right?”

“Yup,” I answer.

“Lemme ask you a question. What would you do if your wife was talkin’ to her ex? An’ let’s say you been an ass to her for a few years, so I dunno, maybe it’s karma or something. An’ what would you do if she carried around a picture of him in her wallet?” While I have done my best to recreate the flavor of the conversation, I have decided not to include the periodic grunts and pauses caused by the moving of boxes.

“You’re asking the wrong man.” I don’t why I felt compelled to share the way I did, maybe I felt this pour fella needed a bit of a jolt, a shock. He was clearly in a bad place, asking a random co-worker for advice on marital troubles, and maybe he needed a fresh perspective. It’s not that I felt he needed to be fixed or corrected, he asked my opinion and I decided that being honest was better than giving the expected response. “It wouldn’t bother me. My wife and I have an open marriage.” I felt saying ‘polyamory’ would complicate things. I quickly summed up our situation.

“You mean like Will and Jayda?”

“Pretty much.”

“How do you do it man? Don’t your ego get in the way?”

“Well, yes it does. And so does jealousy and lack of trust. But those are issues for any marriage, not just mine. I trust that my wife will still love me, and I understand that jealousy comes from fear of loss. If I trust that she will come home to me every night, then I’m not afraid of losing her. And ego, well, if I have to be the best and most important man in her life, then that probably means I am insecure. I trust that she loves me more than him. It all comes down to trust and honesty.”

“Man, I don’t know if I should feel sorry for you or call you a god.”

“I’m happy, nothing else matters.”

“But, man, what do people think?”

“I don’t care what people think. There are some people I don’t tell, but otherwise I don’t give a damn. Why should I care what people think about my marriage? Am I married to them? Anyone who is close enough for me care about their opinion are usually the kind of person who won’t judge me for it.”

“Huh.”

At that point the trailer was emptied, and it was time to move on to another. Time to wrap up the conversation.

“Look, you asked for my advice. Here it is: Tell her you love her and that you trust her. Tell her you don’t care if she talks to her ex, that you know he is important to her, that he meant something, but that you are not threatened by him. Tell her you trust her to talk to you, to tell you if there is anything you need to know. And leave it at that, don’t accuse her or make a big deal out of it.”

“Yeah man, but what if she’s cheating on me?”

“She is or she isn’t. There is nothing you can do about it. But my way, you get to be the bigger man, the man who loves and trusts her. If you confront her and yell and shout and accuse her, that won’t fix anything, she will just get defensive. But if you tell her you trust her, either nothing is happening or she just might confess and then you two can move and fix things. Which is better, knowing she cheated on you and forgiving her, or having her cheat on you and lie about it? To me it’s the lies that would hurt more. And hey, chances are nothing is going on, but either way you have to decide how you want to handle it, with accusations or trust.”

I didn’t see him again till hours later at the end of shift, as I was leaving. He was waiting for me at the guard shack.

“Hey man, I texted my wife what you said, and look-” he pulled me close and showed me his phone as he read aloud his wife’s reply, “I luv u 2 babe, dont worry i just need to talk to sum1, thanx 4 trusting me, i wud never cheat on u.” He grinned at me, and I was afraid he was going to try to hug me. “Thanks man, I owe you one.” He clapped me on the back and walked off.

This whole situation was kind of odd for me. The entire time I was simultaneously sitting outside myself watching the conversation, critiquing myself. Don’t say that, and That’s kind of arrogant, approach it differently. Without sounding condescending, this cat was not the most articulate, and he was probably not used to much intellectual strain, so I could not have the kind of philosophical conversation I am used to. And I did not want to approach this from the point of view that my way was the absolute best for everyone. He was obviously hurting, to ask the advice of someone he had just met. He still does not even know my name. He could have gotten all sorts of advice, from “Kick that bitch out man!” to “Tell her she can’t ever talk to her ex again.” So I tried to give the best advice I could, from my point of view, for the healthiest relationship. Clearly he wanted to make things work, and I hope he and his wife work out their problems.

 

 

Something To Share

My new job is taking some getting used to, and what little time and energy I have to write is being channeled into my second novel. I’m not done with this project, just distracted. But I came across this post by Single Dad Laughing, and thought it needed to be shared. It’s long, but the message is definitely worth the read.

They Say Passion Is Dead

They say toe-curling-passion will inevitably die out, that all relationships eventually settle into a comfortable, sexless rut. The only reasons to stay together are the kids or fear of being alone, of dating again in a world of online personality algorithms, speed dating and text break-ups. Sacrifice your passion on the altar of family responsibility. And they say this is normal.

I say bullshit.

Passion only dies if you let it.

Personal Space

Money is tight around here. Desperately tight. My time as a Stay At Home Dad might be coming to an end. My wife and I still want me here with the kids during the day, getting them up and fed and dressed and off to school. I still want my day free to do laundry and yardwork and remodeling on the house. And day care is freaking expensive, at the wages I could make going back to work as a carpenter, more than half of my income would be going to pay someone else to raise my kids.

So I have decided to look for a night job.

Last week I went for a tour of the UPS hub, looking at a position as a Package Handler during the Twilight Sort. There were about twenty other people in my tour. And as we each walked up to the guard shack and signed in, we were instructed to wait over by this picnic table. I was the fourth one there, and I sat down at the last open corner of the table. Now, that table would have held all twenty of us easily, but only four of us sat there. Each stranger stood about six feet from the others. We could have each extended our arms and not touched another person.

I found this interesting. There was more than enough room for each of us to sit, had we been willing to touch another human being. But we chose not to.

During the tour I was surprised by the cramped working conditions. It was a labyrinth of twisting walkways and cramped work stations. There was a row of perhaps sixty to eighty people standing shoulder to shoulder in front of a conveyer belt, receiving packages which they then sorted into one of the nine slots behind them. They had barely enough room to turn around.

This stood in stark contrast to the six foot clearance we had preferred earlier.

I could tell some of the applicants were seriously turned off by the conditions and type of work presented. Not me. I’ve been doing physical labor for fifteen years now, I am no stranger to it. In fact, I miss it. This sedentary life I have chosen is not good for me. I need to move, to stretch, to strain and work my muscles.

It seemed as though each of us were simply not used to being that close to people, to touching. No one sat at the table in a way that would have required us to touch, as if the idea of contact were unpleasant. As a society we have become too distant from each other, separated by chat rooms and cell phones.

It got me thinking about personal space.

For me, the personal space I value is not so much the immediate space around me, as it is my home. My home is inviolate, sacred. My time with my children is personal space that I value. I don’t want to give that up any more than those other applicants wanted to stand shoulder to shoulder with me, and that is why I won’t take another job that would require me to give up that time. Some people would never want to give up their evenings, but right now I would rather have my mornings and days with my children.

My writing is also a kind of personal space for me. A way to work out stress or ideas or worries, a way to express myself, to stretch my creative muscles, a way to exercise my mind. I think part of the reason I have not been able to write very much lately is this lack of exercise. I have access to the computer all day, it squats there like a high-tech toad, mocking me, teasing me with distractions(yes, porn is one such). Ideas don’t build up for hours while I am working, ready to burst onto the screen the moment I sit down at the keyboard.

So I am hoping this job will help with that. Get me out of the house for five hours a day, to let my creative mind wander, build up imaginative steam, till I am ready once again to sit down at the keyboard and write.

And as far as real personal space with people, I think I am a bit backwards. I desire my closeness with people who are important to me. I’m a hugger. And with those people I share an erotic relationship with, I’m a toucher and a cuddler, I allow myself to indulge in physical affection.

Last summer we attended an event with Fanny and her parents. I had to keep my hands to myself and I didn’t like it one bit. Her parents invaded my personal space, preventing me from holding hands or kissing her neck or even placing my hand on the small of her back.

There are lots of spaces I consider personal, places and ideas and times and relationships, things I do not want violated.

Having to choose to give up my evenings with my wife, dinner with the family, was a tough choice. I had to prioritize which of my personal spaces were important. I let my need for money intrude into my Evenings With the Family space. So be it. Some personal spaces are more inviolate than others.

Oh, I got the job. I start monday.

I want to hate him Guest post by Bayanni

I do. I really want to hate him for the pain he has caused.
Or her. I want to hate her. Really though, it’s not her fault, and she seems nice enough.

Recently, my relationship with Abe came to an end. Apparently, his primary, who we will call Annie, was feeling threatened and intimidated by me. I don’t know HOW, as I am a married woman and could never give him more than I was already doing. He was never going to leave her for me, in fact, he was always going to leave me for her. I knew it, I did. From day one, we were very clear that she was primary, I was not. This was fine with me, since I have my own primary. Then the distancing started. He replied to fewer messages, called less, spent less time with me. Then I was relegated to post derby booty call.
I could see the writing on the wall, but he kept insisting that all was well. Then I became comfortable in the relationship again. I let myself believe that everything was okay. We were talking again, spending time together.

I had expressed an interest in meeting Annie to Abe, and he told me that he would bring it up with her to see what she thought. We had never met, but I knew quite a lot about her from Abe. He told me quite a bit about her, and her situation. She was his high school crush, the “one that got away” as it were. (Oddly like Kasini and Myr in a strange effed up way) She had recently left her husband who was apparently NOT an upstanding gentleman. I wanted to meet her. I thought it would be easier to share with this woman if we knew each other. It is easier for me knowing and loving Kasini. I had thought it would be easier for me to relax and enjoy the relationship while it lasted if I knew her. That way, she would cease to be the supermodel and amazing lover my brain had convinced me that she was. I thought it would be easier for her if she knew that I wasn’t going to fight her for him.

Then he told me she wasn’t happy with poly anymore. She wanted to be exclusive. He said that he told her he wasn’t going to be exclusive until her divorce was final. That’s all well and good, but I can’t maintain a relationship that is already dead. I can’t pretend like we’re okay when in fact, we’re done.  I care for him, and couldn’t face months of a relationship that is already over.

I over reacted. In hind sight, I know now that several environmental stresses converged on me at this precise moment, making this the absolute last thing I could tolerate. I was upset by the impending breakup. I calmly (okay, I was crying in the bathroom, don’t judge) sent a text asking that if breaking up with me was what Annie needed from him, I needed it to be sooner, rather than later and I requested that he talk to me in person about it. I then spent the rest of the day trying not to freak out. I cried when I came home. I told Myr what was happening. You all know how he reacted. Bless his heart, he tried SO hard to be supportive, but I still believe that a part of him was relieved it was over for Abe and me.

Abe and I have since had a few private conversations, where we were able to discuss what this breakup meant, and why he chose to do it when he did. He was running himself ragged trying to keep up with all three girls. He had intended to wait until Annie’s divorce was final before breaking it off with me, but decided not to string me along as I was clearly more involved than he had realized. He was concerned that my relationship with him was creating stress for Myr and me, as the two of us had been tense lately. (This was NOT related to Abe in any way, we have other stress like every couple.)  We have remained friends. He still wants to help me work on my skating skills, and study for the referee exam. He tries to tell me that the only thing that has changed is that we are no longer intimate.  I don’t know if I believe him.

I can’t hate him, because he was right to make this choice. This was the first truly rational and adult decision he has made in the time we were together. So, I want to hate him, but I continue to love him. I can’t face her yet. Can’t deal with her. Apparently, she saw me the night of the big breakup, could see that I was upset. Didn’t know who I was or why I was upset, but wanted to help. She saw the whole breakup happen before she realized who I was and was genuinely sorry to see me cry. Really? Why can’t she be a raving beast? Why can’t I hate her?

Sometimes I feel like a Christmas toy. No really, go with me here. In the beginning, he wanted to play with me all the time. Then he put me away for a while, things became busy for him, and I was less demanding than the other ladies, so I got less of his time. I became his post derby booty call. He took me off the shelf once every couple of weeks, played with me, then put me away again. Now, we still talk, but it always seems to be on his terms. Some days, we are great friends, and it seems our relationship is better than it ever was when we were dating. Other days, I want to punch him in the face.

Sometimes polyamory sucks. We fall in love, and then get hurt.

Was he worth it? Yes. I am a better person for having known him, and will maintain a close relationship with him. We’re just not intimate anymore. He is aware that I will not be seeking another relationship anytime soon. I wasn’t looking for one when I found him.
It was one HOT summer, and I will cherish every moment, even the painful ones.