Archive | relationship skills RSS feed for this section

It’s Been a While… or How Many Women Can I Cram Into One Post

8 May

It’s been a while since I have written on here.

Not that Things haven’t happened, they have. And then Things ended, Things changed, and now there are new Things. Nothing too dramatic, which is perhaps part of why I’ve not written, there’s not been any terribly exciting event to write about, no singular drama to craft a post around. It’s also hard to write about things when your girlfriends read your blog. I never know how flattering to be, how honest; and just being aware of their reactions could color my writing.

But it’s time I think for an update. And my wife and I have pushed past one of the major limits we had, so that deserves to be addressed.

Lylith dumped me. And so did Nanette.

Oh, I’ve not mentioned Nanette yet? I’ll get to that. Meredith, too.

Meredith lives out of state, and we’ve been talking online for well over two years, and last summer she had the opportunity to fly out here to see me. It was awesome. I flew out to see her in February too, which allowed Bayani and I to push past our No Spending the Night rule. More on that in a moment, I need to get ya’all caught up.

Lylith did not react well to my taking a new partner in Meredith. And especially with Nanette.. My adding other partners never sat well with her. To her credit, she never asked me to stop. But she did not like it one bit. She also had some troubles with my being a Dom. She tried playing sub for me once, but I think perhaps it was a bit too intense for her. My work schedule did not allow me to spend the amount of time with her she wanted, she did feel she was a big enough priority to her. She also wanted me to be be besties with Dante, and I just wasn’t inclined. He’s a nice enough guy, but not really someone I wanted to be close friends with. That bugged her. She was also depressed at that time. And finally, I believe Dante was still a bit threatened by me, which caused tension in their marriage. And so one day, she dumped me. No one saw it coming, even Dante.

And so I lost a really, really great girlfriend. Each one has taught me something, and Lylith taught me that I can’t control everything. I had this awesome girlfriend I really cared about, who was just an awesome person, one I could be best friends with, and yet it just didn’t work out. There was no one single preventable reason for the breakup, and that’s what I have to accept: that there wasn’t something to fix, nothing to do differently. Even if I had not met Nanette, or was better friends with Dante, it still would not have lasted.

Nanette, right. I’ve not talked about her yet. I will in a separate post, as that was a whole new experience for me, having a relationship entirely based on BDSM.

But Meredith and spending the night, that is the big change that needs to be talked about. That was a hard limit for me, the one intimacy I wanted to keep just to myself. I’ve been with Bayani for 22 years, 18 of those living together, 17 married. And every night when I curl up with her I cherish that I get to put my arm around her, that she and I share a bed. And I wanted that all to myself. Now, her spending the night was off limits, in another man’s bed; but camping was permissible, as was staying in a hotel. Neither of those threatened my cherished intimacy. But staying with Meredith taught me an important lesson, one I’d already learned with other behaviors, that an intimacy shared with others in no way degrades an intimacy shared with my wife. I can have sex with other women and that does not lessen the sex I enjoy with my wife. And so while I cherished my time sleeping next to Meredith, it was not the same as sleeping next to my wife. I could not be, not after two decades.

A short while ago Bayani stayed the night at Cassius’s, while Octavia spent the night here with me. Oh yes, Octavia . I forgot about her. See? this is what happens when I don’t write for months at a time! A mutual friend of ours, let’s call her Cleopatra, got together with Bayani, and the two of them set me up with Cleopatra’s girlfriend Octavia . Octavia  had just lost her Dom/boyfriend, and it was thought we would get along famously.

We do.

Oh, and since I am cramming as many women into this post as I can, there is also Paige. Paige and I met over a year ago, and I quite liked her, but she sort of just disappeared before we could do anything. She recently contacted me again, and we’ve since started hanging out. And fucking. Nothing romantic, not the same connection I have with Octavia; we just think the other is a really cool human being, and we like to drink Scotch and smoke cigars, talk about art and idiots, and get naked together.

So that’s about it, that sums up the last few months. A lot of little changes, some heart ache, some boundary pushing, but no really big dramas to recount.

Unicorn Hunters And Expectations. Again.

30 Sep

I’ve written about Unicorn Hunters before, and since then I’ve come to realize there are different types, some not nearly as obvious as the creepy couples prowling Craigslist.

Take Cassius and Junia, for instance.

They are an open polyamorous couple, with no One Penis Policy, no unfair restrictions of each others behavior, no unreasonable expectations. At first glance, that is. Don’t get me wrong, they are great people! They are friendly and generous and open minded, caring and intelligent, and I love em both. But they have their Unicorn Hunter moments. I’ve been writing about the two of them often lately, not because I think they are doing polyamory wrong,I am simply holding up some of their behaviors to the light, illustrating how some behaviors might not be healthy.

Part of what makes Unicorn Hunters Unicorn Hunters are their unreasonable expectations. They want a woman who will be equally attracted to both of them. Hell, Bayani and I started out that way. Sure, we thought of it as more ‘hoping’ than ‘expecting’ a girl would like us equally, but that’s not much of an excuse. It was actually pretty easy for us to find girls like that though, which only encouraged us. And the truth is I would love to have another Unicorn like Fanny. That was a pretty happy time for us. We’ve had partners who are willing to join into a threesome with the two of us, and that’s almost as good, but there is no longer the expectation that my Secondary will also become Bayani’s Secondary.  And it’s that expectation I am talking about today.

Cassius and Junia are looking for another couple to date. A He for her and a She for him, something equitable, where they can go out for dinner or dancing and then back home to pair off in separate bedrooms. I know, it sounds a little Swinger-ish to me, but that’s just my own subconscious reactions speaking. Something about a couple and a couple to me has always just screamed Swinger. I have no rational reason for this, it’s just some funny little quirk of cultural programming I picked up and am trying to overcome. Though I swore Bayani and I would never date another couple.

But there is still an expectation there: that each partner in the other couple will fall for them each equally well. And they push for it.

Once Cassius started dating Bayani, Junia was all over me. They thought we could be their Couple. Don’t get me wrong, I like Junia as a friend well enough, and we’ve even had sex a few times. But that’s it. I’m not really interested in a romantic relationship with her, she just has nice boobs. I’ve told her that’s all I want, and she’s mostly fine with that, even though it’s clear she wants more. When I told her Isadora was no longer in the picture, she just sort of assumed she would be promoted to fill Isadora’s shoes, and was a bit resentful when she wasn’t. Expectations lead to disappointment, which leads to resentment, which leads to bitterness at the very least. Junia has even passive-aggressively lashed out just a little bit at Lylith.

Junia started out dating Dante, and it was just sort of expected that Lylith would hook up with Cassius. Oh, for those of you who’ve not read the Cast of Characters Page, Juni and Cassius are married, Lylith and Dante are married, and Bayani is dating both Cassius and Dante, while I am dating Lylith. Onward! So, Junia was dating Dante, and at a dinner party when Dante and Junia wandered off to the bedroom to play, Lylith was just sort of left there with Cassius and it was assumed she would be ok with them hooking up. Cassius and Junia thought they had found their Couple once again. Well, Dante wasn’t looking for what Lylith had to offer, and had a rather strong negative reaction to what Cassius and Lylith were up to. Lylith wasn’t really interested in Cassius either, so things calmed down. I began dating Lylith, things have gotten rather serious rather quickly; Bayani and Dante started taking the kids places so Lylith and I could have some time alone, and they started talking about polyamory and life and rainbows, and they fell for each other. So now we’re a couple dating a couple. Cassius and Junia are jealous, and are big enough to admit it. Junia sent a little passive aggressive text the other day though. She can be so astute when talking about other people’s reactions and behaviors, and then so obtuse when it comes to her own.

Junia and Cassius may have found another couple to date though, and things are going well so far. I wish them well.

Somehow though I have found myself in that situation I swore I never would: a couple dating a couple. I think it works for us though, because we didn’t go into it looking for this. Dante and Bayani were both simply happy for myself and Lylith, and were doing what they could to help things work. It happened organically, it grew on it’s own without being forced or even looked for. Kinda like how the perfect Triad would happen, a girl naturally falling for both Bayani and I.

I keep going back there, don’t I? Maybe I just have threesomes on the brain lately…

Just Because Everybody Does It Differently Is Not An Excuse

26 Sep

I’ve said it before, and I’ve said it often, everybody does polyamory differently. But that’s not an excuse for being a douche.

Ok, he’s not really a douche.

But his behavior is unacceptable. I’m speaking about Cassius. It seems there isn’t a single polyamorous woman in this city he’s not had his grubby little hands one. Ok, that’s not his fault, it’s just the reaction I had the second time we found out  a woman I was dating had slept with him.  And that’s the behavior I really do have a problem with, the way we find out.

Cassius is Bayani’s boyfriend, who is married to Junia. We met Cassius and Junia through some other poly friends, and we sort of moved into their social circle. Now, there aren’t many poly folk in our fair(and by that I mean backwoods and conservative) city, so groups tend to be rather, um, incestuous. We’ve been to a few of their parties(and by ‘we’ I mean Bayani, I’ve been to one). Even brought Isadora along. She was a hit, of course. Some time later Junia and Cassius invited her up to Junia’s boyfriend’s cabin for the night.

It felt to me like she was being invited along so Cassius would have some company while Junia and her boyfriend went off and fucked. Isadora and Cassius hooked up, because why not? He was there, she was there, there was a fire and stars and a cabin. Now, I have no resentment that Isadora slept with Cassius. She’s a big girl and can make her own decisions. I did, however, have a little resentment about how Cassius and Junia approached the whole thing.

Cassius never told Bayani about it. That’s a bit of a problem for me. I believe that you owe it to your partners to inform them about other partners. But ok, one incident, I can deal.

Then Bayani found out about another girl he had started dating regularly, while talking to Junia(who has become a good friend to us both, and we talk to her to sometimes get a different perspective on our reactions). And then another girl he started dating. So, here is Cassius dating Bayani, and he starts dating two other women, without telling her. At Burning Man Cassius had drunk sex with another woman we all know from the poly community(and whom I have a little crush on).

Not once did he tell Bayani about any of this.

The last straw for me was Lylith. Junia had started dating Dante, and at a dinner party one night Dante and Junia went off to fool around, and Lylith was left alone with Cassius. Same as with Isadora. It felt like Lylith was brought along solely so Cassius would have some company. That was when I felt like there were no poly women in the state he’d not had his grubby little hands on. My wife, Isadora, Burning Man Chick, Lylith…

Again, Cassius didn’t say a word to Bayani. That was six women he’d had sex with and didn’t tell her. That is completely unacceptable.

Junia and Cassius do polyamory differently than we do, and that’s fine. They enter into sexual relationships much more casually than Bayani and I. Hell, I enter into sexual relationships more casually than Bayani, I’m able to have FWBs while she tends to stay with romantic secondaries. But I still tell her all about my FWBs. Junia and Cassius have no such agreement between each other. They don’t need to tell each other about every partner, only the serious ones.  But we do. And Cassius, it seems, simply assumed the same rules applied to his relationship with Bayani.

Practice polyamory however you like, you’re hurting no one. Unless you’re potentially hurting someone, and THAT is what this blog is about. STDs are an issue, so there’s the practical concern about informing partners about other partners. And then there’s the emotional concern. No matter how long you’ve been living this lifestyle, you can still be fragile, can still get your feelings hurt, and finding out the Secondary you’re falling in love with has just fucked a couple of other people kinda hurts.

So live your life how you like, sleep with whom you like, fall in love with whomever you like; but when it comes to sex you rather owe it to your partners to keep them informed.

Dishonesty

10 Sep

She lied to me.

About sex.

Sort of. Mostly. It’s complicated.

Beaux is gone, and there are two new guys. Let’s call them Cassius and Cyrus. Cassius and his wife were friends of Beaux’s, and we met them at a party. As Bayani’s and Beaux’s relationship began to disintegrate,  Cassius began courting her. Cassius and his wife are part of a fairly open poly group that includes Cyrus.

I have issues with Cyrus. Not rational ones I will admit. The first time they met for coffee(just coffee, as friends, she said), Bayani came home with bruises on her lovely boobs from where Cyrus had grabbed them too hard. Dood, you didn’t even bother to discuss boundaries?  First time I met the fellow, he remarks about my three legged dog that women also call him ‘tripod’. Really? You’re asking to take my wife out and your crudely brag about the size of your dick? Nice bro. I don’t like the guy. Not like Cassius who is respectful and courteous.

Cyrus has a girlfriend, we’ll call her Cyrill. Bayani and Cyrus and Cyrill hang out from time to time. One morning after she got home late from a movie night with them, we were talking about how the two of them wanted a threesome with Bayani. Something about this conversation made me ask if she had made out with Cyrill. She admitted she had. Now, Bayani is a kisser. She loves to make out with people at parties and I am totally fine with that. I have, however asked that she inform me if there is ever making out that could lead to more, to sex or a relationship. And this time I had to ask, she didn’t share that little bit of information with me.

I might have been a little overly sensitive, and I even realized that at the time. No big deal, but I did ask that she please inform me if anything else like that is expected to happen, or happens. Random kissing is one thing, kissing that could lead somewhere I think I should be informed about.

About a week later I was on my way home from work. I was tired and cranky and not in the mood to socialize. Bayani could tell this from my rather explicit text letting her know I was on my way home. She told me Cyrus was over watching bad zombie flicks with her, and offered to send him on his way because I was so cranky. I accepted the offer. This is not something I would ever ask, but she offered.

As I drove down the street Cyrus’s car passed me. With two people seated inside.

Fuck.

Cyrus AND Cyrill? I walked in the house and Bayani was in the shower, something she does after sexual contact.

I was pissed.

I was fucking pissed.

I didn’t know there was sex, and she definitely didn’t tell me Cyrill was there.

I blew up at her.

Now, she immediately admitted to fooling around with the two of them in the bedroom, but that’s it. ‘Fooling’ around in this case was about 2nd base, maybe stealing 3rd a little I did not feel better about that. Sex or almost sex, there was a partner in there I was not told about.

She lied to me.

And a lie of omission is still a lie. She didn’t tell me about Cyrill because she knew I was sensitive about the whole threesome with other people idea and didn’t want to upset me. Not a great plan. She knows she did wrong, and we have since worked through it and trust has been completely restored.

I have since told her I am fine with her having a threesome with other people, I can deal with my own jealousies. More Envy, really. As in ‘You got to eat BBQ ribs? I wana eat BBQ ribs!’ 

The real significance of this event isn’t that she was dishonest, it is an opportunity to better communicate expectations about communication. What we expect to be informed on, and what does not need to be said. 

Slowest. Breakup. Ever.

5 Mar

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who just rip a bandaid off and get on with their lives; and those who peel it off bit by bit, flinching at the pain each time.

Beaux is one of the latter.

At least, when it comes to  break ups.

I’m certain Bayani will have her own perspective on things, and I will let her share it when she is ready. But I have mine, and it’s time to vent. There are a lot of odd little moments in polyamory where you step outside of yourself and wonder just what the hell you’ve gotten yourself into. Consoling your wife as she weeps over the loss of a boyfriend was a pretty big one.

I had to do it three times. With the same boyfriend.

I do not believe at this point that Beaux has the mental tools to deal with complex relationships. He had a tendency to take a stress from one relationship and transfer it to another. For instance, his wife was less than honest about sexual contact with one of her secondaries, to the point of out right lying. At that time, Bayani informed him that Fanny would likely be joining us again for another threesome or three. He was uncomfortable with the idea, but accepted it. The morning after Fanny joined us, Bayani told Beaux about it, and he freaked out claiming she had lied to him and had hidden things. Sorry, no lies there, nothing but open communication. But he was sensitive about that because of his issues with his wife.

Beaux started dating this other girl, at the same time that Bayani started fooling around with this guy friend of hers, and in the same breath complained he was not comfortable with her ‘promiscuity’.

During this time he became more and more distant, more and more withdrawn.

Sex stopped happening.

He even complained he didn’t like the ‘expectation of sex’, and suggested the two of them stop having sex for a month, so they could work out their problems. Bayani is a passionate, sensual, sexual woman. She likes sex. She’s eager for sex. I see nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with a person you are sexually involved with. I suspected at the time this was a symptom of a much deeper problem.

Now, Beaux and this other girl of his had not started having sex. She was new to polyamory, and out of deference to her husband, they were taking things slow. I can understand that. It also came out that she was terrified of contracting an STD, and had expressed concerns about Bayani’s ‘promiscuity’. Yup, there it was, that’s where Beaux’s concern came from. Well, that and he was insecure and could not deal with Bayani having additional partners.

The timing was rather suspicious, too. At about the same time as he suggested he and Bayani stop having sex, he announced to her that he and this new girl were about to start.

There was a lot more stress and not talking, and then he decided they should ‘take a break’ from each other for a while.

Bit by bit, he peeled at that bandaid, afraid to just rip it off and be done with it. I suspect that Beaux does not actually know how to break up with a girl; he just withdraws further and further until things fall apart.

Now, Bayani is not without guilt. She allowed this to happen. Though she fought to keep this man she cared for, at some point I believe she should have seen the writing on the wall and just ended it. I did, with Kaliope. Now, I never really fell in love with Kaliope, not like I have with Isadora, but I was in a similar situation wherein I could tell my presence was creating a great deal of stress, both for Kaliope and her boyfriend, and for myself as well. I removed myself from the equation. Bayani was a lot more involved, a lot more invested, and so was not quite willing to give up on the good parts. But in my mind, she should have nipped that in the bud months ago.

Maybe it’s just easier to see this from the outside.

I am completely in love with Isadora, and if something like this should happen between the two of us, I am not entirely certain I would be able to do as I suggest Bayani do. I like to think I could, but I cannot be certain. I look back at my own behaviors and reactions, and while not perfect, at least I have been able to recognize them for what they were. I am able to say when I am insecure or threatened, I am able to compartmentalize stress from one relationship and not transfer it to another: I don’t blame Isadora for something Bayani did.

Regardless, I believe that if you are going to try to live this lifestyle, you need to be a bit more mature, and a lot more self actualized. Relationship stresses are compounded, it’t not just you and your spouse anymore. There are lot more people involved, you don’t get to be selfish anymore.

Grow up. Be a man. Just rip that damn bandaid off and move on.

On Letting Go

26 Dec

Often times, My initial reaction to Bayani pushing the limits of our relationship or my comfort zone, is to clamp down with restrictions and rules.

I realize this is not a health behavior, and I am working on dealing with it. And I have found that the fewer rules I make, the more I let go, the happier I am in the end.

Most recently this came to the surface as Bayani and I were discussing how another couple(two, actually) were courting her as a Unicorn.

I was not happy about this. My wife is NOT a Unicorn. She is NOT a Hawt, Bi, Single Chick who will fuck a couple and leave.

One couple was made up of Abernethy and his girlfriend, who are still friends with us both, and the other was made up of Fanny and her current beaux. I didn’t outright tell her no, but I did insist that the only way I would be comfortable with her joining another couple, is if the female half was able to come join Bayani and I for a threesome as well. It didn’t have to actually happen, it just had to be allowed.

Partially I was jealous there was the possibility of her having threesomes while I had no such prospects on the horizon. I miss threesomes. I mean, I really, REALLY miss threesomes.

But I also have an intellectual problem with a couple that will court another partnered female yet refuses the possibility of her joining us. Hypocritical. After the whole incident with Kaliope I am a little sensitive to hypocracy. Fanny’s beaux insisted she not be allowed to play with Bayani and I, something she has done several dozen times and wishes to do again, and Abernethy refused to allow for the possibility of his girlfriend joining us, though in her case she was not interested. Two One Penis Policies in action.

I finally decided that it was not my place to put such restrictions on Bayani. I told her to go ahead if she wanted to. She knows I am seriously craving a threesome, and that I have issues with the hypocracy shown by both couples. I doubt anything will happen with Fanny and her beaux, as Bayani is not really attracted to him, and they may soon break up anyway. And once I stopping trying to control it, I found I really didn’t care if Bayani had a little fun on the side with Abernethy and his girl. I will admit to a little jealousy about the threesome, but I can deal with that.

Most importantly for me was the realization that once I let go I felt better. Every time I let go, relax a restriction, give up a rule, I feel better. We do have a few rules in place still. Always use a condom. No spending the night. Sex on the bed is ok but not in the bed.  This reserves a few special things just for us. Someday one of us may reach a point where we want to spend the night with our partner, or fluid bond with them. I will deal with deciding weather or not to relax control at that time.

I want her to be able to love and play freely. I want her to be happy. I want her to have fun. And if she decides playing with another couple makes her happy, then I want her to go for it, freely and without reservation.

It costs me nothing to allow this. I’m not losing out on anything. She’s happier, and I am better off.

Coulda Been, Woulda Been, Shoulda Been…

17 Dec

This post is about hypocracy.

My dating life is rather full right now, between Bayani, Isadora, and a Friend With Benefits who I may speak about later. I’m not exactly looking for more women, but I’m not going to turn them down either. This is where Kaliope comes in. She and I have been sort of stalking her on a poly friendly dating site for some time now, but her profile says she is only looking for women. I should point out, as this becomes important later, that she was in a relationship with a male, and that any females she met should be open to partnering to him as well. I should also point out all this drama and stress has just made me appreciate what I have with Bayani and Isadora that much more. Also keep in mind this is all from my point of view, I have only what I saw, and what I was told, to go off of. Her side of the story might be different. If so, let her blog about it. This is what I saw.

So Kaliope and I started talking and hit it off, and decided to meet. Then we really hit it off. The sexual tension was palpable.

It turns out she and her long term boyfriend had been polyamorous for years, but had limited their experience to women, both for him and for her. He was uncomfortable with the idea of her dating me, but agreed to allow it. Yes, ‘allow’ is the right turn of phrase.

Now, Bayani and I have some rules about intimacy, to ensure that not only do we not make mistakes, to ensure we can each adjust to each others new partners. We agree to advance through the ‘bases’ slowly, one at a time. I told Kaliope about this rule, and she agreed it was a good idea, both for her and for her boyfriend.

She was new to this as well, I was the first man she was interested in for over a decade, so taking things slow seemed like a good idea. I thought I would be great for her, as I had been in his position just over a year ago. I understood his reactions, as I had just had them myself.

At the same time as she was dating me, Kaliope was also dating a new girl, keep that in mind.

We got to first base. Everything was good. We got to second base, and this boyfriend of hers flipped out. Now, there can be some confusion on exactly what happens on which base, but this was beyond that. Second base is pretty universally considered to be access too boobs. She had her shirt off while we made out. He was not ok with this. They argued all weekend. He did not think that was taking things slowly at all. Turns out he had somewhere between twelve and sixteen bases in mind. So we moved back to first base for a bit, just until he was comfortable with the idea.

Our schedules didn’t overlap much, and finding time to date was difficult. And he seemed very reluctant to give up any of what he considered ‘his’ time with her. Which was just about all her free time. Bayani and I reserve Sunday afternoon and evenings just for ourselves. No other events or activities, just the two of us. He reserved all of Sunday. And Saturday night. Any time I asked for felt to him like I was stealing her away. He protested. Not, I should point out, when she went out with this other girl.

A while later she felt it was ok to move on, and we got to second base. Sort of. We kept our clothes on, out of respect for his comfort level, but went ahead and put our hands down each others pants. Second base for some, third for others. She seemed like she enjoyed herself, and informed me the next time we met I was going to get a blow job. Definitely third base.

She told him what we did, and what she planned on doing next, and he freaked out again. Threw a tantrum. They fought all weekend. We went back to first base. Worse, she was not allowed to be alone with me, nor could we do more than lightly kiss.

Keep in mind, he was dating other women while all of this was going on. So was she.

She started making excuses for him. He was feeling rejected, and this would be easier for him if only he had a serious girlfriend to distract him. He was not being hypocritical, he was simply more tolerant of her dating women because he had time to get used to the idea. He wasn’t making demands, she was just being considerate of his comfort level.

The next time she came over, all we did was talk. Uncomfortably. He wanted her to break up with me, but was not going to insist on it. Yeah, when you tell someone you want to tell them to break it off but won’t insist, you are pretty much telling them to break it off. But she didn’t want to, she wanted to find a way to make it work.

A week later we had another date. Nothing but talking. More excuses, more uncomfortable talking. We weren’t  exactly breaking up, but she couldn’t really see me any more.

What the Hell?

I broke it off. Officially. I could not deal with this any more. I need to be able to fall for a girl without worrying about someone else’s rules. A relationship needs to be able to grow without restriction.

The hypocrisy was breathtaking.

I’m sorry, but if you cannot tolerate a behavior from your mate, then you had better damn well stop that behavior yourself. If she does not get to date men than you don’g get to date women. Allowing her to date women is not any better. It’s just as hypocritical, and is pretty damn sexist. That attitude implies a woman is less of a threat than a man, and therefore has less value. If you can’t stomach the thought of a man fingering your woman, then why is it ok for a woman to finger your woman?

Over a year ago, Bayani and I had a One Penis Policy. Well, not really. Bayani was simply not interested in other men. And when she was, when Abernethy came around, I was ready. Ok, not nearly as ready as I thought I would be. I had my reactions, my insecurities. But I didn’t stand in her way. I looked inside, I figured out where my reactions came from, and I dealt with them. Before Abernethy, I knew my discomfort with other men wasn’t healthy, that it needed to change. And I worked to remedy that.

This guy was doing the opposite. Rather than deal with his problems himself, he was looking for external solutions. Rules. Limitations. Restrictions. And that’s not healthy.

As far as I am aware, they are both still dating other women.

And I Thought I Was Ready For This

23 Jan

Bayani is in love with Beau.

And I don’t like it.

Well, it’s not so much that I don’t like it, it’s the culturally programmed part of my psyche does not like it. I thought I was fine with her being with other men. I thought I had worked out all my negative emotions with Abe. I guess not.

Now, I am not bothered with her having sex with this new guy. Really, I’m not. I even offered to rescind our Not In Our Bed rule to make things easier for her(which ended up working to my advantage with Hildegard). But the sheer joy on her face when she gets a text or email from him, that bothered me. A lot more than I thought it would. And it’s not so much that I am bothered by this relationship, I find myself having automatic reactions, thought burbling up from deep in my subconscious, things I almost think I should think. These are nothing more than reactions I have been told my entire life I should have. Damn you cultural programming!

So it seems with Abe I had to work through my wife having sex with another man, and with Beau I have to work through her falling in love with another man.

I had my typical behavioral reaction: I at first tried to put limits on what she could do, but very quickly realized what I as doing. Abe taught me that about myself, I tend to try to control things that make me uncomfortable. I know better, I don’t get to control any part of her relationship with Beau.

I did make one mistake(that I know of so far), in that I kept asking her to reassure me that he would never be more than a secondary, that she would not want him to be more than a boyfriend. This was how I dealt with my insecurities, by telling myself he will never be more than just a boyfriend, I get to be the husband. But my asking her this repeatedly made her feel as if I did not trust her enough to  limit the relationship on her own.

Limit the relationship, there it is again.

There is going to be a limit to their relationship. There has to be. I cannot be one of those guys whose wife has a live in boyfriend. That’s not me. And I would not ask her to accept my live in girlfriend either. So I don’t think this is my trying to control things, there is simply a natural limit to where things can go, and I have to content myself with that limit and not try to impose my own. I have to trust that she will always choose me in the end, in the same way that know I will always choose her over any and all of my other relationships. And I should not make her choose either. I really don’t want to make her choose. She can have this exciting new relationship and it won’t really cost me anything other than a bit of anxiety I need to work through myself.

I’ve met the guy, which was not nearly as awkward as I thought it would be. He’s a nice guy, a great guy, and I find I like him. I like her with him. Last night we had dinner with Beau and his wife. Oh yes, he is married as well, which should serve to reassure me further that their relationship will never grow to threaten mine. Dinner was not nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Beau’s wife is pretty damn cute, and looks a lot like Bayani. In fact, Beau looks a lot like me too. They are like our evil twins. Well, I think we are the evil twins, as I think we are far kinkier than they. So Beau’s wife is cute, and I found myself wanting to know more about her. She and I agree that we should get to know each other better, if for no other reason than to better accommodate Bayani and Beau. To do this, she and I will need to be able to talk without our spouses around, as last night I think we were all too defined by our relationships. I want to get to know her as her, not as  Beau’s Wife. I know Beau would love for us to hook up, he thinks a new relationship would be good for her. But I don’t want to pursue her because it would be more convenient to be dating my wife’s boyfriend’s wife, or because she is the only one available for me at the moment(she’s not, I have several fish on the line right now). But she is pretty damn attractive, and she is pretty cool too. I think we may have a lot in common, and I am willing to put forth the effort to find out.

I am considering asking her out. Come to think of it, I may have already.

Damn

9 Dec

I am going to miss Fanny’s spectacular boobs.

Fanny wants what we have, a marriage and family. She has been dating two types of people while we have been with her, fuck-buddies and potential husbands. Mostly the former. Fanny is a very sexual woman, and she loves(loved) having multiple partners to take care of her. But all the while she has had her eye open for a potential long term partner. And in the time we have been with her, she has become infatuated with no less than four men.

So when she told us she had meet someone nice, I did not stress out too badly. And then about two weeks ago, just before we all left to attend a party, she told us she wanted to stop having sex with us so she could concentrate on this one relationship.

Damn.

I knew this would happen eventually, and honestly I am happy for her. But I will miss her boobs.

Relationships of this type rarely last as long as this one hast. 20 months. Must be a world record in Unicorn Hunting. I have really enjoyed the relationship we had with her. It was the perfect balance of sexual intimacy and friendship. We could have her over for dinner and could talk for hours without needing to resort to sex to fill awkward silence, and we could share a ten minute quickie with hardly any pleasantries at all. And best of all, she knew what we had to offer her, in terms of time and emotional intimacy, and she accepted that. She did not ask more than we could give, and we accepted what she was willing to share with us in return.

I will still enjoy the friendship we have, that is not going to end any time soon, she is one our closest friends. But I will miss the sex. She is one of the most passionate and enthusiastic lovers I have ever had.

I don’t know if this fella will last. I will admit that a small and selfish part of me hopes he does not, but for the most part I would rather see her happy and in a long term relationship than get to play with her boobs one more time.

Besides, there will be other boobs.

They Say Passion Is Dead

12 Oct

They say toe-curling-passion will inevitably die out, that all relationships eventually settle into a comfortable, sexless rut. The only reasons to stay together are the kids or fear of being alone, of dating again in a world of online personality algorithms, speed dating and text break-ups. Sacrifice your passion on the altar of family responsibility. And they say this is normal.

I say bullshit.

Passion only dies if you let it.

Continue reading