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Unicorn Hunters And Expectations. Again.

30 Sep

I’ve written about Unicorn Hunters before, and since then I’ve come to realize there are different types, some not nearly as obvious as the creepy couples prowling Craigslist.

Take Cassius and Junia, for instance.

They are an open polyamorous couple, with no One Penis Policy, no unfair restrictions of each others behavior, no unreasonable expectations. At first glance, that is. Don’t get me wrong, they are great people! They are friendly and generous and open minded, caring and intelligent, and I love em both. But they have their Unicorn Hunter moments. I’ve been writing about the two of them often lately, not because I think they are doing polyamory wrong,I am simply holding up some of their behaviors to the light, illustrating how some behaviors might not be healthy.

Part of what makes Unicorn Hunters Unicorn Hunters are their unreasonable expectations. They want a woman who will be equally attracted to both of them. Hell, Bayani and I started out that way. Sure, we thought of it as more ‘hoping’ than ‘expecting’ a girl would like us equally, but that’s not much of an excuse. It was actually pretty easy for us to find girls like that though, which only encouraged us. And the truth is I would love to have another Unicorn like Fanny. That was a pretty happy time for us. We’ve had partners who are willing to join into a threesome with the two of us, and that’s almost as good, but there is no longer the expectation that my Secondary will also become Bayani’s Secondary.  And it’s that expectation I am talking about today.

Cassius and Junia are looking for another couple to date. A He for her and a She for him, something equitable, where they can go out for dinner or dancing and then back home to pair off in separate bedrooms. I know, it sounds a little Swinger-ish to me, but that’s just my own subconscious reactions speaking. Something about a couple and a couple to me has always just screamed Swinger. I have no rational reason for this, it’s just some funny little quirk of cultural programming I picked up and am trying to overcome. Though I swore Bayani and I would never date another couple.

But there is still an expectation there: that each partner in the other couple will fall for them each equally well. And they push for it.

Once Cassius started dating Bayani, Junia was all over me. They thought we could be their Couple. Don’t get me wrong, I like Junia as a friend well enough, and we’ve even had sex a few times. But that’s it. I’m not really interested in a romantic relationship with her, she just has nice boobs. I’ve told her that’s all I want, and she’s mostly fine with that, even though it’s clear she wants more. When I told her Isadora was no longer in the picture, she just sort of assumed she would be promoted to fill Isadora’s shoes, and was a bit resentful when she wasn’t. Expectations lead to disappointment, which leads to resentment, which leads to bitterness at the very least. Junia has even passive-aggressively lashed out just a little bit at Lylith.

Junia started out dating Dante, and it was just sort of expected that Lylith would hook up with Cassius. Oh, for those of you who’ve not read the Cast of Characters Page, Juni and Cassius are married, Lylith and Dante are married, and Bayani is dating both Cassius and Dante, while I am dating Lylith. Onward! So, Junia was dating Dante, and at a dinner party when Dante and Junia wandered off to the bedroom to play, Lylith was just sort of left there with Cassius and it was assumed she would be ok with them hooking up. Cassius and Junia thought they had found their Couple once again. Well, Dante wasn’t looking for what Lylith had to offer, and had a rather strong negative reaction to what Cassius and Lylith were up to. Lylith wasn’t really interested in Cassius either, so things calmed down. I began dating Lylith, things have gotten rather serious rather quickly; Bayani and Dante started taking the kids places so Lylith and I could have some time alone, and they started talking about polyamory and life and rainbows, and they fell for each other. So now we’re a couple dating a couple. Cassius and Junia are jealous, and are big enough to admit it. Junia sent a little passive aggressive text the other day though. She can be so astute when talking about other people’s reactions and behaviors, and then so obtuse when it comes to her own.

Junia and Cassius may have found another couple to date though, and things are going well so far. I wish them well.

Somehow though I have found myself in that situation I swore I never would: a couple dating a couple. I think it works for us though, because we didn’t go into it looking for this. Dante and Bayani were both simply happy for myself and Lylith, and were doing what they could to help things work. It happened organically, it grew on it’s own without being forced or even looked for. Kinda like how the perfect Triad would happen, a girl naturally falling for both Bayani and I.

I keep going back there, don’t I? Maybe I just have threesomes on the brain lately…


On Letting Go

26 Dec

Often times, My initial reaction to Bayani pushing the limits of our relationship or my comfort zone, is to clamp down with restrictions and rules.

I realize this is not a health behavior, and I am working on dealing with it. And I have found that the fewer rules I make, the more I let go, the happier I am in the end.

Most recently this came to the surface as Bayani and I were discussing how another couple(two, actually) were courting her as a Unicorn.

I was not happy about this. My wife is NOT a Unicorn. She is NOT a Hawt, Bi, Single Chick who will fuck a couple and leave.

One couple was made up of Abernethy and his girlfriend, who are still friends with us both, and the other was made up of Fanny and her current beaux. I didn’t outright tell her no, but I did insist that the only way I would be comfortable with her joining another couple, is if the female half was able to come join Bayani and I for a threesome as well. It didn’t have to actually happen, it just had to be allowed.

Partially I was jealous there was the possibility of her having threesomes while I had no such prospects on the horizon. I miss threesomes. I mean, I really, REALLY miss threesomes.

But I also have an intellectual problem with a couple that will court another partnered female yet refuses the possibility of her joining us. Hypocritical. After the whole incident with Kaliope I am a little sensitive to hypocracy. Fanny’s beaux insisted she not be allowed to play with Bayani and I, something she has done several dozen times and wishes to do again, and Abernethy refused to allow for the possibility of his girlfriend joining us, though in her case she was not interested. Two One Penis Policies in action.

I finally decided that it was not my place to put such restrictions on Bayani. I told her to go ahead if she wanted to. She knows I am seriously craving a threesome, and that I have issues with the hypocracy shown by both couples. I doubt anything will happen with Fanny and her beaux, as Bayani is not really attracted to him, and they may soon break up anyway. And once I stopping trying to control it, I found I really didn’t care if Bayani had a little fun on the side with Abernethy and his girl. I will admit to a little jealousy about the threesome, but I can deal with that.

Most importantly for me was the realization that once I let go I felt better. Every time I let go, relax a restriction, give up a rule, I feel better. We do have a few rules in place still. Always use a condom. No spending the night. Sex on the bed is ok but not in the bed.  This reserves a few special things just for us. Someday one of us may reach a point where we want to spend the night with our partner, or fluid bond with them. I will deal with deciding weather or not to relax control at that time.

I want her to be able to love and play freely. I want her to be happy. I want her to have fun. And if she decides playing with another couple makes her happy, then I want her to go for it, freely and without reservation.

It costs me nothing to allow this. I’m not losing out on anything. She’s happier, and I am better off.


9 Dec

I am going to miss Fanny’s spectacular boobs.

Fanny wants what we have, a marriage and family. She has been dating two types of people while we have been with her, fuck-buddies and potential husbands. Mostly the former. Fanny is a very sexual woman, and she loves(loved) having multiple partners to take care of her. But all the while she has had her eye open for a potential long term partner. And in the time we have been with her, she has become infatuated with no less than four men.

So when she told us she had meet someone nice, I did not stress out too badly. And then about two weeks ago, just before we all left to attend a party, she told us she wanted to stop having sex with us so she could concentrate on this one relationship.


I knew this would happen eventually, and honestly I am happy for her. But I will miss her boobs.

Relationships of this type rarely last as long as this one hast. 20 months. Must be a world record in Unicorn Hunting. I have really enjoyed the relationship we had with her. It was the perfect balance of sexual intimacy and friendship. We could have her over for dinner and could talk for hours without needing to resort to sex to fill awkward silence, and we could share a ten minute quickie with hardly any pleasantries at all. And best of all, she knew what we had to offer her, in terms of time and emotional intimacy, and she accepted that. She did not ask more than we could give, and we accepted what she was willing to share with us in return.

I will still enjoy the friendship we have, that is not going to end any time soon, she is one our closest friends. But I will miss the sex. She is one of the most passionate and enthusiastic lovers I have ever had.

I don’t know if this fella will last. I will admit that a small and selfish part of me hopes he does not, but for the most part I would rather see her happy and in a long term relationship than get to play with her boobs one more time.

Besides, there will be other boobs.

On Limitations and Disappointment

11 Aug

I have said before that I do not believe you can put limitations on love.

One of the hallmarks of Unicorn Hunters is their list of Limitations. They can explore their sexuality, but only with other women, and only if they are a shared partner. The male may only sleep with women that the wife is sleeping with, and the bi sexual wife may only sleep with women, not other men. That would be too threatening to the male. And at no point are they allowed to actually care for the poor Unicorn. They never consider the needs or wants of the other person.

A common pitfall for couples first venturing into the poly lifestyle is putting restrictions on each other. Sometimes they maintain a veto, the right to say ‘you can’t date her’ or ‘not him, anybody but him’. Sometimes they have a One Penis Policy.

But even more experienced poly folk can still fall into the trap of limitations from time to time.

Like I did.

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What Exactly is a Unicorn?

20 Feb

A Unicorn is a mythical beast, an attractive and available bisexual female who is willing to date a couple.

Most couples would not know how to handle a Unicorn even if they caught one. And with the expectations they heap upon the poor girl, they might as well look for a horse with one horn, as they would have a better chance of finding one.

Typically, the girl is expected to younger than the couple, open to dating both of them equally, must be willing to accept the couple’s schedule and limitations, and often is expected to not date anyone else.

On some sites that are open to couples(and some that are not, but allow F/F matches[where couples often lurk disguised as gay women]), couples outnumber single bi-girls upwards of fifty to one.  These creepy oder couples hound bi-girls to the point where many hide their sexuality, and others are so put off they would never consider dating a couple, even a nice one like Bayani and me.

Here are two ads I found recently, so you can judge for yourself.

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A Nice Pair of One-Night-Stands

15 Feb

Finding Unicorns, it turns out, is relatively easy for us. It also turns out that not all Unicorns are created equal.

Between Carlotta and Fanny, there were Daphne and Esther. Both girls were one night stands, one by our choice, one by hers. There was an incident with a cat, some squirting, and dime bag of coke. Continue reading


5 Feb

Friday was my one-year anniversary with my girlfriend. Next month is my fourteenth anniversary with my wife.

But it’s ok, my wife knows all about my girlfriend. Not only does she know, she approves. And they’ve met. You see, my wife is also dating someone. And her significant other happens to be, you guessed it, my girlfriend Fanny.

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Unicorn Hunters bag their first kill

7 Jan

Yes, we were Unicorn Hunters.

I can admit that now. Oh, we didn’t have a list of unrealistic expectations like most Unicorn Hunters, but the way I approached bi-girls on dating sites reeked of Creepy Older Couple Looking To Spice up their Marriage. And like most Unicorn Hunters, we had then a One Penis Policy.

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‘If you bring her home, I’ll do her’

2 Jan

I won’t start out with a tale as juicy as Chicory’s. You will just have to come back regularly to catch all of my dirty little stories. No, to start out I will tell of how my wife Bayani and I started being polyamorous.

It started with eight little words: ‘If you bring her home, I’ll do her’.

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