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Apparently I’m a Sexist Douche Bag

20 Sep

The other day I received a message on one of the dating sites I frequent quoting a section of my profile stating that it was ‘grossly offensive’.

What the fuck?

I was seriously taken aback. Offensive? To whom? How? I read the offending paragraph, which expressed my preferences in women, and scratched at my head. I replied asking for clarification, and was informed that my preferences were sexist. I was really stumped.

It’s not that hard to find blogs about the offensive ‘nice guys’ of dating sites. There are men who call themselves feminists yet think women have a moral obligation to shave their legs. There are men with the handle NiceGuy327 who say in their profile ‘Fatties need not apply’. There are even men who claim to be progressive and at the same time want a woman to have a job and be able to take care of themselves instead of relying on a man to buy dinner.

But me?

I like round women. I like women with strong opinions and knee jerk opinion and occasional bouts of insanity. I like freaks and geeks and craft store hippies. I like strong and confident, I like shy and awkward. I don’t like high maintenance plastic barbie types.

This really hit me hard, and I still don’t know why. I would say I don’t like the idea that I’ve offended people, but then I actually like offending the easily offended, conservative nut jobs and right wingers and religious fundamentalists. So why did this time bother me? Maybe because when I argue with a fundie and they tell me I’m going to hell I expect that: I’m an atheist and expect that kind of insult. But sexist? I’m the sensitive feminist guy!

During our conversation it was revealed she found my profile on a blog mocking sexist profiles. She claimed she was not the only one who thought my profile was sexist. It felt like I had been kicked in the gut. There was an entire blog post about how sexist my profile was, with several woman all joining in with complaints? I was sick to my stomach.

It took me a while to find this blog, and it turns out the owner is a self labeled Anti-Feminist who hates the words Rape Culture because, he claims, it promotes militant feminism, anti-male sentiment and also encourages ‘regret sex rape accusations’. My profile in particular was linked to in a rant about a forum thread four years ago in which I called him on being a superficial twat. The subject of the thread was men who felt attacked because they received criticism for expressing a repulsion for ‘fatties’. This guy was one of those guys who wrote in their profile ‘HWP only, no fatties’. As I said, I called him on it, and instead of fashioning a reasoned and articulate reply, he attacked me and a few others on his personal blog.

And this was the source of this woman’s complaint about my profile?

Ok, I’m starting to get it now. There are no real complaints, this woman simply reacted emotionally to something I wrote, and took personal offense.

Apparently stating a preference, ANY preference is sexist. To borrow one quote from a Tumblr blog mocking sexist dating site profiles: Pro tip: The only thing that turns me off more than you telling me how loving/caring/gentlemanly you are is you telling me what you’re looking for in a woman.

To quote from a previous blog post of mine: I prefer women with long hair. I like glasses. I like curvy girls. Punks and goths and hippies and librarians. I like sun dresses and leather jackets and combat boots. I like jeans and sweaters and flip flops… Are these preferences wrong? Am I being superficial for having them? I also like smart women, educated women, opinionated women. So am I repressing the dumb and the ignorant and the milquetoast?

Somehow that makes me an offensive sexist douche bag. Because I gave voice to things I have noticed I tend to notice.

I don’t like high maintenance plastic barbie types. That’s the kicker right there, the line that offended her. I was told that was offensive to women who have had plastic surgery, and that whole high maintenance thing really set her off. The word ‘plastic’ in no way links to cosmetic surgery, but is used to imply shallow and superficial. Ok, maybe I can see how you might be offended by criticism of high maintenance girls, in a different context. I was not ranting about girly girls or fashionistas. I was not attacking anybody, it wasn’t a criticism, though there are certainly unintended tones of negativity. I think there is definitely a difference between Refined and High Maintenance, between being able to express a desire for attention and demanding material things.  I thought I was clear I meant the superficial and demanding, rather than worth the effort. I’ve found quite a few blogs defending the term High Maintenance, and so have removed that from my profile. It’s a bit contentious, like taking ownership of the word Slut, and is too in depth to delve into here.

I think this woman was perhaps a bit too overly sensitive, and reacted emotionally to one or two lines. But she got me thinking, about good guy sexism and about derogatory terms like High Maintenance. And that’s always a good thing.



9 Dec

I am going to miss Fanny’s spectacular boobs.

Fanny wants what we have, a marriage and family. She has been dating two types of people while we have been with her, fuck-buddies and potential husbands. Mostly the former. Fanny is a very sexual woman, and she loves(loved) having multiple partners to take care of her. But all the while she has had her eye open for a potential long term partner. And in the time we have been with her, she has become infatuated with no less than four men.

So when she told us she had meet someone nice, I did not stress out too badly. And then about two weeks ago, just before we all left to attend a party, she told us she wanted to stop having sex with us so she could concentrate on this one relationship.


I knew this would happen eventually, and honestly I am happy for her. But I will miss her boobs.

Relationships of this type rarely last as long as this one hast. 20 months. Must be a world record in Unicorn Hunting. I have really enjoyed the relationship we had with her. It was the perfect balance of sexual intimacy and friendship. We could have her over for dinner and could talk for hours without needing to resort to sex to fill awkward silence, and we could share a ten minute quickie with hardly any pleasantries at all. And best of all, she knew what we had to offer her, in terms of time and emotional intimacy, and she accepted that. She did not ask more than we could give, and we accepted what she was willing to share with us in return.

I will still enjoy the friendship we have, that is not going to end any time soon, she is one our closest friends. But I will miss the sex. She is one of the most passionate and enthusiastic lovers I have ever had.

I don’t know if this fella will last. I will admit that a small and selfish part of me hopes he does not, but for the most part I would rather see her happy and in a long term relationship than get to play with her boobs one more time.

Besides, there will be other boobs.

That Was It?

8 Aug

It blew up.

Just a little explosion. Small in hindsight, but much larger when right in the middle of it. Expecting to do what we do without hitting any speedbumps was kind of ridiculous.

It happened a couple days after my wife slept with another man for the first time.

I read an email. Now, keep in mind that Bayani and I are open about everything. I allow her full access to all of my emails, every site I visit, every text. She offers the same open access. After her first time with Abernethy, our shared girlfriend Fanny asked her how it was, and she answered in an email. She offered to let me read it, and I declined, wanting her to be able to express herself freely without worrying about how I would react.

I didn’t think about it for a day or two. Then I came home late one night, long after she was in bed. I was not sleepy, so I decided to dink around on the intertubes for a bit. Her email account was left open on my computer. I admit it, I peeked. I mean, she had given me permission, it was ok. I still violated her trust, because I had told her I would not read it. I later apologized, once things calmed down enough to get to that very minor infraction.

But I still read that email, and contained within was information that set off a major anxiety attack.

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