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‘But, You’re Literally The Manliest Guy In The Group!’

17 Jun

That was the response when I told my friends I have low testosterone.

It’s not like I TRY to be uber-manly, the things I do are simply what society has deemed masculine. Now, let’s not get derailed into a discussion on gender identity and patriarchy here, I am not placing a value judgement on being manly or not, on being feminine or not, or even the definition of manly; this was the response I received from a friend. Well, ok, for this discussion we do kind of need to define ‘masculinity’. But not in a way that defines value or gender, this is about society’s perception of the masculine.

The simply fact is, our society does place a great deal of value on men being ‘manly’, and on certain behaviors defining our place in society. No matter how many women tell us ‘size does not matter’, we still judge a man by the size of his penis. Or his wallet, or truck-which, are simply analogies for his penis. My cock is average, my truck is a beat up little ’99 Tacoma, and my bills are paid and there’s money in the savings, if barely. But that’s not how my friends judge me. We aren’t a very ‘mainstream’ group when it comes to such things either, and in my case I don’t exactly fit the typical husband gender roles in that I don’t bring home the bacon, I am the primary homemaker and child care provider in our family.

Pinning down exactly what was meant by that statement has been interesting. Is it my appearance? Jeans n t-shirt, long hair, beard, tattoos. Is it the things I do? I cook over charcoal, I am a skilled carpenter, I camp and hike. Is it that I am so very sexual? I flirt mercilessly and am very open about sex and sexuality and my partners. I just don’t know. You can make a list of ‘manly’ traits, and I’ll have most of those. Make a list of ‘feminine’ traits, and I’ll have quite a few of those too. Regardless, my friends consider my very masculine.

And so I was the last one they would have thought would have low testosterone(because, you know, masculinity is purely defined by hormones).

They don’t really know how to deal with that. I tend to be very open about every aspect of my life, even this one. We all are. When my friend Tiberius starting having intestinal troubles, he talked openly about his irritable bowl, and his multiple colonoscopies. But he could not handle my openly discussing my low testosterone.

There is a line, it seems, when it comes to sharing information.

But why is this it? How is low testosterone too private, while his bowls are public? It wasn’t just Tiberius, the entire group shuffled their feet and wouldn’t make eye contact for a bit.

So why do we cherish our masculinity so much that a simple thing like low testosterone is such a threat? What if I had erectile dysfunction and shared that bit of information? Is that a threat to my masculinity? I think what it comes down to is the simple fact that this has not been something people have openly discussed. Like most sex subjects, it’s taboo. And that’s part of why I’ve been so open about discussing it, to push that veil of secrecy back just a little.

Low testosterone is surprisingly common, though I’m a tad young for it. For the longest time it was misdiagnosed as other issues, such as low blood pressure or diabetes.

Figuring out my own diagnosis was an interesting path, that’s for sure. It started when I went to work on the night shift at UPS, and after a hard shift unloading trailers I would come home looking forward to sex with my wife or girlfriend, only find have a hard time reaching orgasm. I just figured I was exhausted. Then began some weight gain, fatigue, soreness, and muscle loss. Gradually, the intimacy issues got worse, to the point where I had trouble maintaining an erection, and sometimes reaching orgasm at all was a chore. I knew something wasn’t right, but I had no idea what. I knew I could expect some intimacy issues as I got older, but I’m not even 40 yet! The problem is I have no experience with being 39 years old, I don’t know if what I am experiencing is normal or healthy or not. Then after almost three years I finally got my transfer to the day shift. I was ecstatic. Finally, not only would I have more time to spend with my kids, wife, and girlfriends, but I would not be so tired in the evenings, so sex should be a breeze!

I was wrong.

One evening with Paige, I failed. Now, I had learned that sometimes I could expect some difficulty, that an orgasm would be difficult and even maintaining an erection could prove impossible. But usually some oral sex would get me back on track, or at least a 15 rest before trying again. But this time I failed completely. I told her about my difficulties. She was happy I was open, rather than making some lame excuse. She’d been with men with issues before and they usually lied or tried to hide it. My openness was refreshing. She then asked me if I’d had my testosterone tested. Now, I had been considering talking to my doctor about some little blue pills, but this was a much better idea.

Later on I googled ‘low testosterone’, and found a list of symptoms that mirrored my own. I made an anointment, and got myself tested. Yup, it’s low. Very low. And so now I am on testosterone therapy.

I’ve spoken to several men, and ladies whose men suspect they have low testosterone, and they are all hesitant to get tested. They are afraid they might actually be low. I don’t get this attitude. I was happy to be tested! I hoped I did have low testosterone! Because that meant there was a fix. I could rub a little cream on my shoulders every morning and I would be well again. I guess this is one of things like penis size, that men get all obsessive over, as if they had some sort of control over it. But it’s not like you can just try harder to have a big cock, or more testosterone. You can’t make a change my exercising more, or masturbating less, or meditation, or diet.

It’s been a month since I started my therapy, and I feel better already. Though my friends are still a tad uncomfortable…

 

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It’s Been a While… or How Many Women Can I Cram Into One Post

8 May

It’s been a while since I have written on here.

Not that Things haven’t happened, they have. And then Things ended, Things changed, and now there are new Things. Nothing too dramatic, which is perhaps part of why I’ve not written, there’s not been any terribly exciting event to write about, no singular drama to craft a post around. It’s also hard to write about things when your girlfriends read your blog. I never know how flattering to be, how honest; and just being aware of their reactions could color my writing.

But it’s time I think for an update. And my wife and I have pushed past one of the major limits we had, so that deserves to be addressed.

Lylith dumped me. And so did Nanette.

Oh, I’ve not mentioned Nanette yet? I’ll get to that. Meredith, too.

Meredith lives out of state, and we’ve been talking online for well over two years, and last summer she had the opportunity to fly out here to see me. It was awesome. I flew out to see her in February too, which allowed Bayani and I to push past our No Spending the Night rule. More on that in a moment, I need to get ya’all caught up.

Lylith did not react well to my taking a new partner in Meredith. And especially with Nanette.. My adding other partners never sat well with her. To her credit, she never asked me to stop. But she did not like it one bit. She also had some troubles with my being a Dom. She tried playing sub for me once, but I think perhaps it was a bit too intense for her. My work schedule did not allow me to spend the amount of time with her she wanted, she did feel she was a big enough priority to her. She also wanted me to be be besties with Dante, and I just wasn’t inclined. He’s a nice enough guy, but not really someone I wanted to be close friends with. That bugged her. She was also depressed at that time. And finally, I believe Dante was still a bit threatened by me, which caused tension in their marriage. And so one day, she dumped me. No one saw it coming, even Dante.

And so I lost a really, really great girlfriend. Each one has taught me something, and Lylith taught me that I can’t control everything. I had this awesome girlfriend I really cared about, who was just an awesome person, one I could be best friends with, and yet it just didn’t work out. There was no one single preventable reason for the breakup, and that’s what I have to accept: that there wasn’t something to fix, nothing to do differently. Even if I had not met Nanette, or was better friends with Dante, it still would not have lasted.

Nanette, right. I’ve not talked about her yet. I will in a separate post, as that was a whole new experience for me, having a relationship entirely based on BDSM.

But Meredith and spending the night, that is the big change that needs to be talked about. That was a hard limit for me, the one intimacy I wanted to keep just to myself. I’ve been with Bayani for 22 years, 18 of those living together, 17 married. And every night when I curl up with her I cherish that I get to put my arm around her, that she and I share a bed. And I wanted that all to myself. Now, her spending the night was off limits, in another man’s bed; but camping was permissible, as was staying in a hotel. Neither of those threatened my cherished intimacy. But staying with Meredith taught me an important lesson, one I’d already learned with other behaviors, that an intimacy shared with others in no way degrades an intimacy shared with my wife. I can have sex with other women and that does not lessen the sex I enjoy with my wife. And so while I cherished my time sleeping next to Meredith, it was not the same as sleeping next to my wife. I could not be, not after two decades.

A short while ago Bayani stayed the night at Cassius’s, while Octavia spent the night here with me. Oh yes, Octavia . I forgot about her. See? this is what happens when I don’t write for months at a time! A mutual friend of ours, let’s call her Cleopatra, got together with Bayani, and the two of them set me up with Cleopatra’s girlfriend Octavia . Octavia  had just lost her Dom/boyfriend, and it was thought we would get along famously.

We do.

Oh, and since I am cramming as many women into this post as I can, there is also Paige. Paige and I met over a year ago, and I quite liked her, but she sort of just disappeared before we could do anything. She recently contacted me again, and we’ve since started hanging out. And fucking. Nothing romantic, not the same connection I have with Octavia; we just think the other is a really cool human being, and we like to drink Scotch and smoke cigars, talk about art and idiots, and get naked together.

So that’s about it, that sums up the last few months. A lot of little changes, some heart ache, some boundary pushing, but no really big dramas to recount.

He’s Touching Her Leg! Oh My Gawd He’s Touching Her Leg!

1 Nov

A while ago I attended my first party with Bayani’s poly party friends. For the most part I had a good time, but there was one incident that stuck in mind ever since. Bayani had wandered off to have fun, and after a good conversation with a few pretty, busty girls, I went in search of my wife. I found her on some dude’s lap, with his hand on bare thigh.

I did not like that, not at all. My reaction was ‘Dude, you don’t know my fucking limits, you don’t know if I’m ok with that or not, what they hell?’ Well, that was ll in my head. I said some pleasantries, and then went looking for someone I knew to chat with.

I knew that was not a healthy reaction, and so it lingered, nagging at me. How comfortable should I be with shows of affection like that? Is it ok to not be comfortable with other men touching my wife? Does it matter if it’s some random guy, or if it’s a serious boyfriend? Bayani knew I did not like seeing that, and so had agreed to keep such affection out of my line of sight.

This was something I knew I was going to have to confront sooner or later. I realized quickly that while this dude did not know what my limits were, he did know what HER limits were, and he was not crossing them. I trust Bayani, and know that she will not let anyone cross the line. I needed to shift my perception to that instead.

Dante had a similar reaction the first time Bayani and I had him and Lylith over. He did not like me showing affection for his wife, my girlfriend, in front of him. They decided that was off limits, that when the four of us were together it had to be married couple with married couple, no cross affection. Ok, I can handle that, as I did not really want to see him touching Bayani either. I was not yet ready to confront that. I was not yet ready to admit that I was , that my reaction was possessive and unhealthy.

At some point Dante decided he was ok with such shows of affection, and the next time we were all together for a game day his hand was all over Bayani’s leg. He failed to tell me about this change in the rules, and I had been resisting the urge to caress his wife, who was sitting so deliciously close to me.

Dude, you’re practically groping my wife right in front of me, and I have to keep my hands to myself?

I casually mentioned to him that I don’t care for excessive displays of affection, in a calm and reasonable manner, and he agreed to keep it to a minimum.

But I wondered at that reaction once again. Was I over-reacting, or was that reasonable?

And coming up in the next week or two was another poly party, where I knew I would see hands all over my wife. A Halloween party, and Bayani so loves to dress sexy, so there would be a lot of her skin showing. She asked me if I wanted her to behave, and I told her ‘no’, that I needed to have my comfort level tested. We did set some limits for both of us: kissing or making out was permissible, tops could come off, hands on boobs was fine, hands on legs, even hands on ass, but hands on inner thigh or on crotch was not. Pants/underwear were to stay on. These rules applied to me as well. I actually anticipated lots of attention from a few of the poly women I knew, and maybe a stranger or two; and these were all limits I would impose upon myself anyway, things I would not dare do.

And so I had an opportunity to test myself, to see how I really felt once I stepped back from my initial reaction, stopped trying to justify it, and realized that Bayani knew these people and knew they would trust limits she had already set.

And you know what?

I was fine. Not one single jealous, possessive, or negative reaction at all.

Furthermore, at another party I had not planned on attending the night before this poly party, Bayani, Dante, and Lylith were all snuggled on the couch, being rather familiar(I believe Bayani was on Dante’s lap at the time), and I still had zero negative reactions.

All that worrying over nothing. Once again, once I managed to just let go and stop trying to control things I felt much, much better.

 

Dishonesty

10 Sep

She lied to me.

About sex.

Sort of. Mostly. It’s complicated.

Beaux is gone, and there are two new guys. Let’s call them Cassius and Cyrus. Cassius and his wife were friends of Beaux’s, and we met them at a party. As Bayani’s and Beaux’s relationship began to disintegrate,  Cassius began courting her. Cassius and his wife are part of a fairly open poly group that includes Cyrus.

I have issues with Cyrus. Not rational ones I will admit. The first time they met for coffee(just coffee, as friends, she said), Bayani came home with bruises on her lovely boobs from where Cyrus had grabbed them too hard. Dood, you didn’t even bother to discuss boundaries?  First time I met the fellow, he remarks about my three legged dog that women also call him ‘tripod’. Really? You’re asking to take my wife out and your crudely brag about the size of your dick? Nice bro. I don’t like the guy. Not like Cassius who is respectful and courteous.

Cyrus has a girlfriend, we’ll call her Cyrill. Bayani and Cyrus and Cyrill hang out from time to time. One morning after she got home late from a movie night with them, we were talking about how the two of them wanted a threesome with Bayani. Something about this conversation made me ask if she had made out with Cyrill. She admitted she had. Now, Bayani is a kisser. She loves to make out with people at parties and I am totally fine with that. I have, however asked that she inform me if there is ever making out that could lead to more, to sex or a relationship. And this time I had to ask, she didn’t share that little bit of information with me.

I might have been a little overly sensitive, and I even realized that at the time. No big deal, but I did ask that she please inform me if anything else like that is expected to happen, or happens. Random kissing is one thing, kissing that could lead somewhere I think I should be informed about.

About a week later I was on my way home from work. I was tired and cranky and not in the mood to socialize. Bayani could tell this from my rather explicit text letting her know I was on my way home. She told me Cyrus was over watching bad zombie flicks with her, and offered to send him on his way because I was so cranky. I accepted the offer. This is not something I would ever ask, but she offered.

As I drove down the street Cyrus’s car passed me. With two people seated inside.

Fuck.

Cyrus AND Cyrill? I walked in the house and Bayani was in the shower, something she does after sexual contact.

I was pissed.

I was fucking pissed.

I didn’t know there was sex, and she definitely didn’t tell me Cyrill was there.

I blew up at her.

Now, she immediately admitted to fooling around with the two of them in the bedroom, but that’s it. ‘Fooling’ around in this case was about 2nd base, maybe stealing 3rd a little I did not feel better about that. Sex or almost sex, there was a partner in there I was not told about.

She lied to me.

And a lie of omission is still a lie. She didn’t tell me about Cyrill because she knew I was sensitive about the whole threesome with other people idea and didn’t want to upset me. Not a great plan. She knows she did wrong, and we have since worked through it and trust has been completely restored.

I have since told her I am fine with her having a threesome with other people, I can deal with my own jealousies. More Envy, really. As in ‘You got to eat BBQ ribs? I wana eat BBQ ribs!’ 

The real significance of this event isn’t that she was dishonest, it is an opportunity to better communicate expectations about communication. What we expect to be informed on, and what does not need to be said. 

Slowest. Breakup. Ever.

5 Mar

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who just rip a bandaid off and get on with their lives; and those who peel it off bit by bit, flinching at the pain each time.

Beaux is one of the latter.

At least, when it comes to  break ups.

I’m certain Bayani will have her own perspective on things, and I will let her share it when she is ready. But I have mine, and it’s time to vent. There are a lot of odd little moments in polyamory where you step outside of yourself and wonder just what the hell you’ve gotten yourself into. Consoling your wife as she weeps over the loss of a boyfriend was a pretty big one.

I had to do it three times. With the same boyfriend.

I do not believe at this point that Beaux has the mental tools to deal with complex relationships. He had a tendency to take a stress from one relationship and transfer it to another. For instance, his wife was less than honest about sexual contact with one of her secondaries, to the point of out right lying. At that time, Bayani informed him that Fanny would likely be joining us again for another threesome or three. He was uncomfortable with the idea, but accepted it. The morning after Fanny joined us, Bayani told Beaux about it, and he freaked out claiming she had lied to him and had hidden things. Sorry, no lies there, nothing but open communication. But he was sensitive about that because of his issues with his wife.

Beaux started dating this other girl, at the same time that Bayani started fooling around with this guy friend of hers, and in the same breath complained he was not comfortable with her ‘promiscuity’.

During this time he became more and more distant, more and more withdrawn.

Sex stopped happening.

He even complained he didn’t like the ‘expectation of sex’, and suggested the two of them stop having sex for a month, so they could work out their problems. Bayani is a passionate, sensual, sexual woman. She likes sex. She’s eager for sex. I see nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with a person you are sexually involved with. I suspected at the time this was a symptom of a much deeper problem.

Now, Beaux and this other girl of his had not started having sex. She was new to polyamory, and out of deference to her husband, they were taking things slow. I can understand that. It also came out that she was terrified of contracting an STD, and had expressed concerns about Bayani’s ‘promiscuity’. Yup, there it was, that’s where Beaux’s concern came from. Well, that and he was insecure and could not deal with Bayani having additional partners.

The timing was rather suspicious, too. At about the same time as he suggested he and Bayani stop having sex, he announced to her that he and this new girl were about to start.

There was a lot more stress and not talking, and then he decided they should ‘take a break’ from each other for a while.

Bit by bit, he peeled at that bandaid, afraid to just rip it off and be done with it. I suspect that Beaux does not actually know how to break up with a girl; he just withdraws further and further until things fall apart.

Now, Bayani is not without guilt. She allowed this to happen. Though she fought to keep this man she cared for, at some point I believe she should have seen the writing on the wall and just ended it. I did, with Kaliope. Now, I never really fell in love with Kaliope, not like I have with Isadora, but I was in a similar situation wherein I could tell my presence was creating a great deal of stress, both for Kaliope and her boyfriend, and for myself as well. I removed myself from the equation. Bayani was a lot more involved, a lot more invested, and so was not quite willing to give up on the good parts. But in my mind, she should have nipped that in the bud months ago.

Maybe it’s just easier to see this from the outside.

I am completely in love with Isadora, and if something like this should happen between the two of us, I am not entirely certain I would be able to do as I suggest Bayani do. I like to think I could, but I cannot be certain. I look back at my own behaviors and reactions, and while not perfect, at least I have been able to recognize them for what they were. I am able to say when I am insecure or threatened, I am able to compartmentalize stress from one relationship and not transfer it to another: I don’t blame Isadora for something Bayani did.

Regardless, I believe that if you are going to try to live this lifestyle, you need to be a bit more mature, and a lot more self actualized. Relationship stresses are compounded, it’t not just you and your spouse anymore. There are lot more people involved, you don’t get to be selfish anymore.

Grow up. Be a man. Just rip that damn bandaid off and move on.

On Letting Go

26 Dec

Often times, My initial reaction to Bayani pushing the limits of our relationship or my comfort zone, is to clamp down with restrictions and rules.

I realize this is not a health behavior, and I am working on dealing with it. And I have found that the fewer rules I make, the more I let go, the happier I am in the end.

Most recently this came to the surface as Bayani and I were discussing how another couple(two, actually) were courting her as a Unicorn.

I was not happy about this. My wife is NOT a Unicorn. She is NOT a Hawt, Bi, Single Chick who will fuck a couple and leave.

One couple was made up of Abernethy and his girlfriend, who are still friends with us both, and the other was made up of Fanny and her current beaux. I didn’t outright tell her no, but I did insist that the only way I would be comfortable with her joining another couple, is if the female half was able to come join Bayani and I for a threesome as well. It didn’t have to actually happen, it just had to be allowed.

Partially I was jealous there was the possibility of her having threesomes while I had no such prospects on the horizon. I miss threesomes. I mean, I really, REALLY miss threesomes.

But I also have an intellectual problem with a couple that will court another partnered female yet refuses the possibility of her joining us. Hypocritical. After the whole incident with Kaliope I am a little sensitive to hypocracy. Fanny’s beaux insisted she not be allowed to play with Bayani and I, something she has done several dozen times and wishes to do again, and Abernethy refused to allow for the possibility of his girlfriend joining us, though in her case she was not interested. Two One Penis Policies in action.

I finally decided that it was not my place to put such restrictions on Bayani. I told her to go ahead if she wanted to. She knows I am seriously craving a threesome, and that I have issues with the hypocracy shown by both couples. I doubt anything will happen with Fanny and her beaux, as Bayani is not really attracted to him, and they may soon break up anyway. And once I stopping trying to control it, I found I really didn’t care if Bayani had a little fun on the side with Abernethy and his girl. I will admit to a little jealousy about the threesome, but I can deal with that.

Most importantly for me was the realization that once I let go I felt better. Every time I let go, relax a restriction, give up a rule, I feel better. We do have a few rules in place still. Always use a condom. No spending the night. Sex on the bed is ok but not in the bed.  This reserves a few special things just for us. Someday one of us may reach a point where we want to spend the night with our partner, or fluid bond with them. I will deal with deciding weather or not to relax control at that time.

I want her to be able to love and play freely. I want her to be happy. I want her to have fun. And if she decides playing with another couple makes her happy, then I want her to go for it, freely and without reservation.

It costs me nothing to allow this. I’m not losing out on anything. She’s happier, and I am better off.

Coulda Been, Woulda Been, Shoulda Been…

17 Dec

This post is about hypocracy.

My dating life is rather full right now, between Bayani, Isadora, and a Friend With Benefits who I may speak about later. I’m not exactly looking for more women, but I’m not going to turn them down either. This is where Kaliope comes in. She and I have been sort of stalking her on a poly friendly dating site for some time now, but her profile says she is only looking for women. I should point out, as this becomes important later, that she was in a relationship with a male, and that any females she met should be open to partnering to him as well. I should also point out all this drama and stress has just made me appreciate what I have with Bayani and Isadora that much more. Also keep in mind this is all from my point of view, I have only what I saw, and what I was told, to go off of. Her side of the story might be different. If so, let her blog about it. This is what I saw.

So Kaliope and I started talking and hit it off, and decided to meet. Then we really hit it off. The sexual tension was palpable.

It turns out she and her long term boyfriend had been polyamorous for years, but had limited their experience to women, both for him and for her. He was uncomfortable with the idea of her dating me, but agreed to allow it. Yes, ‘allow’ is the right turn of phrase.

Now, Bayani and I have some rules about intimacy, to ensure that not only do we not make mistakes, to ensure we can each adjust to each others new partners. We agree to advance through the ‘bases’ slowly, one at a time. I told Kaliope about this rule, and she agreed it was a good idea, both for her and for her boyfriend.

She was new to this as well, I was the first man she was interested in for over a decade, so taking things slow seemed like a good idea. I thought I would be great for her, as I had been in his position just over a year ago. I understood his reactions, as I had just had them myself.

At the same time as she was dating me, Kaliope was also dating a new girl, keep that in mind.

We got to first base. Everything was good. We got to second base, and this boyfriend of hers flipped out. Now, there can be some confusion on exactly what happens on which base, but this was beyond that. Second base is pretty universally considered to be access too boobs. She had her shirt off while we made out. He was not ok with this. They argued all weekend. He did not think that was taking things slowly at all. Turns out he had somewhere between twelve and sixteen bases in mind. So we moved back to first base for a bit, just until he was comfortable with the idea.

Our schedules didn’t overlap much, and finding time to date was difficult. And he seemed very reluctant to give up any of what he considered ‘his’ time with her. Which was just about all her free time. Bayani and I reserve Sunday afternoon and evenings just for ourselves. No other events or activities, just the two of us. He reserved all of Sunday. And Saturday night. Any time I asked for felt to him like I was stealing her away. He protested. Not, I should point out, when she went out with this other girl.

A while later she felt it was ok to move on, and we got to second base. Sort of. We kept our clothes on, out of respect for his comfort level, but went ahead and put our hands down each others pants. Second base for some, third for others. She seemed like she enjoyed herself, and informed me the next time we met I was going to get a blow job. Definitely third base.

She told him what we did, and what she planned on doing next, and he freaked out again. Threw a tantrum. They fought all weekend. We went back to first base. Worse, she was not allowed to be alone with me, nor could we do more than lightly kiss.

Keep in mind, he was dating other women while all of this was going on. So was she.

She started making excuses for him. He was feeling rejected, and this would be easier for him if only he had a serious girlfriend to distract him. He was not being hypocritical, he was simply more tolerant of her dating women because he had time to get used to the idea. He wasn’t making demands, she was just being considerate of his comfort level.

The next time she came over, all we did was talk. Uncomfortably. He wanted her to break up with me, but was not going to insist on it. Yeah, when you tell someone you want to tell them to break it off but won’t insist, you are pretty much telling them to break it off. But she didn’t want to, she wanted to find a way to make it work.

A week later we had another date. Nothing but talking. More excuses, more uncomfortable talking. We weren’t  exactly breaking up, but she couldn’t really see me any more.

What the Hell?

I broke it off. Officially. I could not deal with this any more. I need to be able to fall for a girl without worrying about someone else’s rules. A relationship needs to be able to grow without restriction.

The hypocrisy was breathtaking.

I’m sorry, but if you cannot tolerate a behavior from your mate, then you had better damn well stop that behavior yourself. If she does not get to date men than you don’g get to date women. Allowing her to date women is not any better. It’s just as hypocritical, and is pretty damn sexist. That attitude implies a woman is less of a threat than a man, and therefore has less value. If you can’t stomach the thought of a man fingering your woman, then why is it ok for a woman to finger your woman?

Over a year ago, Bayani and I had a One Penis Policy. Well, not really. Bayani was simply not interested in other men. And when she was, when Abernethy came around, I was ready. Ok, not nearly as ready as I thought I would be. I had my reactions, my insecurities. But I didn’t stand in her way. I looked inside, I figured out where my reactions came from, and I dealt with them. Before Abernethy, I knew my discomfort with other men wasn’t healthy, that it needed to change. And I worked to remedy that.

This guy was doing the opposite. Rather than deal with his problems himself, he was looking for external solutions. Rules. Limitations. Restrictions. And that’s not healthy.

As far as I am aware, they are both still dating other women.

And I Thought I Was Ready For This

23 Jan

Bayani is in love with Beau.

And I don’t like it.

Well, it’s not so much that I don’t like it, it’s the culturally programmed part of my psyche does not like it. I thought I was fine with her being with other men. I thought I had worked out all my negative emotions with Abe. I guess not.

Now, I am not bothered with her having sex with this new guy. Really, I’m not. I even offered to rescind our Not In Our Bed rule to make things easier for her(which ended up working to my advantage with Hildegard). But the sheer joy on her face when she gets a text or email from him, that bothered me. A lot more than I thought it would. And it’s not so much that I am bothered by this relationship, I find myself having automatic reactions, thought burbling up from deep in my subconscious, things I almost think I should think. These are nothing more than reactions I have been told my entire life I should have. Damn you cultural programming!

So it seems with Abe I had to work through my wife having sex with another man, and with Beau I have to work through her falling in love with another man.

I had my typical behavioral reaction: I at first tried to put limits on what she could do, but very quickly realized what I as doing. Abe taught me that about myself, I tend to try to control things that make me uncomfortable. I know better, I don’t get to control any part of her relationship with Beau.

I did make one mistake(that I know of so far), in that I kept asking her to reassure me that he would never be more than a secondary, that she would not want him to be more than a boyfriend. This was how I dealt with my insecurities, by telling myself he will never be more than just a boyfriend, I get to be the husband. But my asking her this repeatedly made her feel as if I did not trust her enough to  limit the relationship on her own.

Limit the relationship, there it is again.

There is going to be a limit to their relationship. There has to be. I cannot be one of those guys whose wife has a live in boyfriend. That’s not me. And I would not ask her to accept my live in girlfriend either. So I don’t think this is my trying to control things, there is simply a natural limit to where things can go, and I have to content myself with that limit and not try to impose my own. I have to trust that she will always choose me in the end, in the same way that know I will always choose her over any and all of my other relationships. And I should not make her choose either. I really don’t want to make her choose. She can have this exciting new relationship and it won’t really cost me anything other than a bit of anxiety I need to work through myself.

I’ve met the guy, which was not nearly as awkward as I thought it would be. He’s a nice guy, a great guy, and I find I like him. I like her with him. Last night we had dinner with Beau and his wife. Oh yes, he is married as well, which should serve to reassure me further that their relationship will never grow to threaten mine. Dinner was not nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Beau’s wife is pretty damn cute, and looks a lot like Bayani. In fact, Beau looks a lot like me too. They are like our evil twins. Well, I think we are the evil twins, as I think we are far kinkier than they. So Beau’s wife is cute, and I found myself wanting to know more about her. She and I agree that we should get to know each other better, if for no other reason than to better accommodate Bayani and Beau. To do this, she and I will need to be able to talk without our spouses around, as last night I think we were all too defined by our relationships. I want to get to know her as her, not as  Beau’s Wife. I know Beau would love for us to hook up, he thinks a new relationship would be good for her. But I don’t want to pursue her because it would be more convenient to be dating my wife’s boyfriend’s wife, or because she is the only one available for me at the moment(she’s not, I have several fish on the line right now). But she is pretty damn attractive, and she is pretty cool too. I think we may have a lot in common, and I am willing to put forth the effort to find out.

I am considering asking her out. Come to think of it, I may have already.

Well That Was Over Fast- Ooh Look More Cuties!

16 Jan

There is something magical about the number three.

In Fish Stories I talked about my curious habit of counting sexual instances, hoping for that magical third time. It’s a guy thing, maybe, or perhaps some hidden insecurities are creeping up to whisper in my ear. Hildegard made it to the magical third time.

Then she dumped my ass.

Hildegard and I shared great connection as we first corresponded through email, and that same spark was still there when we met in person, plus a rather intense sexual attraction. You could have bottled the pheromones floating in the air around us.

Bayani could read this chemistry as easily as she reads every other emotional reaction of mine. And she didn’t like it. A strong emotional connection is one thing, but add in a fierce sexual attraction, and she was more than a little bit threatened. And then she met Hildegard for the first time. And she freaked out.

Bayani was being very accommodating, and had offered to take the kids out of the house to give Hildegard and I a few hours of alone time. Coincidentally, my mother was taking the kids overnight, so Bayani had an opportunity to drop them off and then head up to Beau’s house. She cried the entire way. I will let Bayani write about her reaction, as she knows much better than I what she was going through, and why. To her credit, she did not allow any of her negative reactions affect her behavior towards my new relationship with Hildegard. There was only so much I could do, was willing to do, to accommodate my wife’s reaction. On the one hand, I did not want to do anything to make her unhappy; but on the other hand, she might very well have this kind of reaction to any woman I chose to date. Bayani assured me this was just something she needed to work through, that while she was not fine at the moment, she would be. I trusted her and proceeded, keeping her emotional state in mind.

Hidlegard had never dated a married man before. I had told her that I would prefer she date other men while she was dating me, as I could only offer her so much. She was new to the whole polyamorous thing, but was open to exploring. Then she met this man in Denver, a man with whom she could share a much more intense personal connection than she did with me(they were both musicians, I have zero musical talent). Bit by bit, our talk shifted from geekery and politics and sexuality and religion, to pure sex. As this other man filled her need for an emotional connection, I began to fill only the sexual needs.

And the sex was fantastic.

Sorry Bayani, I know you don’t want to read this, but it was. Well, no more fantastic than the sex has been with any of the other women I have shared an intense emotional/intellectual connection with, and was not nearly as satisfying as it is with Bayani. And I was able to help Hildegard explore new things: she had never been spanked or tied up, and found with my help that she enjoyed both. She giggled the entire time I spanked her.

But she wanted more than just sex, she wanted a relationship. She fell in love with this man in Denver. A man she has never met, and would not meet for at least six more weeks. And once again, monogamy reared it’s ugly head. She chose him over me.

Damn.

Now, I want Hildegard to be happy, I really do. I hope things work out with Mr Denver, I hope she can be happy with him. But I can still lament the loss of a really awesome gall.

And so once again I find myself moving on, looking for another girl, another connection, another relationship. At the moment I have been corresponding with several women I have met online. Yesterday I met one for coffee, a lovely, quiet, deliciously curvy girl; and tonight after work I will be meeting another for a beer. Mrs Coffee is much more the type Bayani would want me to be with, less classically beautiful and more on the plus side of plus sized, but is absolutely my type and I find I am seriously attracted to her. She is also married and polyamorous, though they are new to the lifestyle and I would be her first male lover since her husband. Ms Beer is a few years older than I and is deep her super-libido phase,  is rather hot, and is also open to polyamory. She might be looking for more of a fuck buddy thing, which is not exactly what I want. It’s difficult to let go of the possibility of screwing an attractive, highly sexual woman. And honestly, it’s flattering that she is so interested in me. I will have to see what comes of our meeting tonight, if it’s just about physical chemistry and sex, I may have to pass.

Damn, it sucks to be mature.

*Update: Mrs Beer did not work out. Mrs Coffee did for a while, and had lovely massive boobs. At that time I also met Isadora, whom I dated for about a year and a half.*

I want to hate him Guest post by Bayanni

3 Oct

I do. I really want to hate him for the pain he has caused.
Or her. I want to hate her. Really though, it’s not her fault, and she seems nice enough.

Recently, my relationship with Abe came to an end. Apparently, his primary, who we will call Annie, was feeling threatened and intimidated by me. I don’t know HOW, as I am a married woman and could never give him more than I was already doing. He was never going to leave her for me, in fact, he was always going to leave me for her. I knew it, I did. From day one, we were very clear that she was primary, I was not. This was fine with me, since I have my own primary. Then the distancing started. He replied to fewer messages, called less, spent less time with me. Then I was relegated to post derby booty call.
I could see the writing on the wall, but he kept insisting that all was well. Then I became comfortable in the relationship again. I let myself believe that everything was okay. We were talking again, spending time together.

I had expressed an interest in meeting Annie to Abe, and he told me that he would bring it up with her to see what she thought. We had never met, but I knew quite a lot about her from Abe. He told me quite a bit about her, and her situation. She was his high school crush, the “one that got away” as it were. (Oddly like Kasini and Myr in a strange effed up way) She had recently left her husband who was apparently NOT an upstanding gentleman. I wanted to meet her. I thought it would be easier to share with this woman if we knew each other. It is easier for me knowing and loving Kasini. I had thought it would be easier for me to relax and enjoy the relationship while it lasted if I knew her. That way, she would cease to be the supermodel and amazing lover my brain had convinced me that she was. I thought it would be easier for her if she knew that I wasn’t going to fight her for him.

Then he told me she wasn’t happy with poly anymore. She wanted to be exclusive. He said that he told her he wasn’t going to be exclusive until her divorce was final. That’s all well and good, but I can’t maintain a relationship that is already dead. I can’t pretend like we’re okay when in fact, we’re done.  I care for him, and couldn’t face months of a relationship that is already over.

I over reacted. In hind sight, I know now that several environmental stresses converged on me at this precise moment, making this the absolute last thing I could tolerate. I was upset by the impending breakup. I calmly (okay, I was crying in the bathroom, don’t judge) sent a text asking that if breaking up with me was what Annie needed from him, I needed it to be sooner, rather than later and I requested that he talk to me in person about it. I then spent the rest of the day trying not to freak out. I cried when I came home. I told Myr what was happening. You all know how he reacted. Bless his heart, he tried SO hard to be supportive, but I still believe that a part of him was relieved it was over for Abe and me.

Abe and I have since had a few private conversations, where we were able to discuss what this breakup meant, and why he chose to do it when he did. He was running himself ragged trying to keep up with all three girls. He had intended to wait until Annie’s divorce was final before breaking it off with me, but decided not to string me along as I was clearly more involved than he had realized. He was concerned that my relationship with him was creating stress for Myr and me, as the two of us had been tense lately. (This was NOT related to Abe in any way, we have other stress like every couple.)  We have remained friends. He still wants to help me work on my skating skills, and study for the referee exam. He tries to tell me that the only thing that has changed is that we are no longer intimate.  I don’t know if I believe him.

I can’t hate him, because he was right to make this choice. This was the first truly rational and adult decision he has made in the time we were together. So, I want to hate him, but I continue to love him. I can’t face her yet. Can’t deal with her. Apparently, she saw me the night of the big breakup, could see that I was upset. Didn’t know who I was or why I was upset, but wanted to help. She saw the whole breakup happen before she realized who I was and was genuinely sorry to see me cry. Really? Why can’t she be a raving beast? Why can’t I hate her?

Sometimes I feel like a Christmas toy. No really, go with me here. In the beginning, he wanted to play with me all the time. Then he put me away for a while, things became busy for him, and I was less demanding than the other ladies, so I got less of his time. I became his post derby booty call. He took me off the shelf once every couple of weeks, played with me, then put me away again. Now, we still talk, but it always seems to be on his terms. Some days, we are great friends, and it seems our relationship is better than it ever was when we were dating. Other days, I want to punch him in the face.

Sometimes polyamory sucks. We fall in love, and then get hurt.

Was he worth it? Yes. I am a better person for having known him, and will maintain a close relationship with him. We’re just not intimate anymore. He is aware that I will not be seeking another relationship anytime soon. I wasn’t looking for one when I found him.
It was one HOT summer, and I will cherish every moment, even the painful ones.