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Dishonesty

10 Sep

She lied to me.

About sex.

Sort of. Mostly. It’s complicated.

Beaux is gone, and there are two new guys. Let’s call them Cassius and Cyrus. Cassius and his wife were friends of Beaux’s, and we met them at a party. As Bayani’s and Beaux’s relationship began to disintegrate,  Cassius began courting her. Cassius and his wife are part of a fairly open poly group that includes Cyrus.

I have issues with Cyrus. Not rational ones I will admit. The first time they met for coffee(just coffee, as friends, she said), Bayani came home with bruises on her lovely boobs from where Cyrus had grabbed them too hard. Dood, you didn’t even bother to discuss boundaries?  First time I met the fellow, he remarks about my three legged dog that women also call him ‘tripod’. Really? You’re asking to take my wife out and your crudely brag about the size of your dick? Nice bro. I don’t like the guy. Not like Cassius who is respectful and courteous.

Cyrus has a girlfriend, we’ll call her Cyrill. Bayani and Cyrus and Cyrill hang out from time to time. One morning after she got home late from a movie night with them, we were talking about how the two of them wanted a threesome with Bayani. Something about this conversation made me ask if she had made out with Cyrill. She admitted she had. Now, Bayani is a kisser. She loves to make out with people at parties and I am totally fine with that. I have, however asked that she inform me if there is ever making out that could lead to more, to sex or a relationship. And this time I had to ask, she didn’t share that little bit of information with me.

I might have been a little overly sensitive, and I even realized that at the time. No big deal, but I did ask that she please inform me if anything else like that is expected to happen, or happens. Random kissing is one thing, kissing that could lead somewhere I think I should be informed about.

About a week later I was on my way home from work. I was tired and cranky and not in the mood to socialize. Bayani could tell this from my rather explicit text letting her know I was on my way home. She told me Cyrus was over watching bad zombie flicks with her, and offered to send him on his way because I was so cranky. I accepted the offer. This is not something I would ever ask, but she offered.

As I drove down the street Cyrus’s car passed me. With two people seated inside.

Fuck.

Cyrus AND Cyrill? I walked in the house and Bayani was in the shower, something she does after sexual contact.

I was pissed.

I was fucking pissed.

I didn’t know there was sex, and she definitely didn’t tell me Cyrill was there.

I blew up at her.

Now, she immediately admitted to fooling around with the two of them in the bedroom, but that’s it. ‘Fooling’ around in this case was about 2nd base, maybe stealing 3rd a little I did not feel better about that. Sex or almost sex, there was a partner in there I was not told about.

She lied to me.

And a lie of omission is still a lie. She didn’t tell me about Cyrill because she knew I was sensitive about the whole threesome with other people idea and didn’t want to upset me. Not a great plan. She knows she did wrong, and we have since worked through it and trust has been completely restored.

I have since told her I am fine with her having a threesome with other people, I can deal with my own jealousies. More Envy, really. As in ‘You got to eat BBQ ribs? I wana eat BBQ ribs!’ 

The real significance of this event isn’t that she was dishonest, it is an opportunity to better communicate expectations about communication. What we expect to be informed on, and what does not need to be said. 

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I want to hate him Guest post by Bayanni

3 Oct

I do. I really want to hate him for the pain he has caused.
Or her. I want to hate her. Really though, it’s not her fault, and she seems nice enough.

Recently, my relationship with Abe came to an end. Apparently, his primary, who we will call Annie, was feeling threatened and intimidated by me. I don’t know HOW, as I am a married woman and could never give him more than I was already doing. He was never going to leave her for me, in fact, he was always going to leave me for her. I knew it, I did. From day one, we were very clear that she was primary, I was not. This was fine with me, since I have my own primary. Then the distancing started. He replied to fewer messages, called less, spent less time with me. Then I was relegated to post derby booty call.
I could see the writing on the wall, but he kept insisting that all was well. Then I became comfortable in the relationship again. I let myself believe that everything was okay. We were talking again, spending time together.

I had expressed an interest in meeting Annie to Abe, and he told me that he would bring it up with her to see what she thought. We had never met, but I knew quite a lot about her from Abe. He told me quite a bit about her, and her situation. She was his high school crush, the “one that got away” as it were. (Oddly like Kasini and Myr in a strange effed up way) She had recently left her husband who was apparently NOT an upstanding gentleman. I wanted to meet her. I thought it would be easier to share with this woman if we knew each other. It is easier for me knowing and loving Kasini. I had thought it would be easier for me to relax and enjoy the relationship while it lasted if I knew her. That way, she would cease to be the supermodel and amazing lover my brain had convinced me that she was. I thought it would be easier for her if she knew that I wasn’t going to fight her for him.

Then he told me she wasn’t happy with poly anymore. She wanted to be exclusive. He said that he told her he wasn’t going to be exclusive until her divorce was final. That’s all well and good, but I can’t maintain a relationship that is already dead. I can’t pretend like we’re okay when in fact, we’re done.  I care for him, and couldn’t face months of a relationship that is already over.

I over reacted. In hind sight, I know now that several environmental stresses converged on me at this precise moment, making this the absolute last thing I could tolerate. I was upset by the impending breakup. I calmly (okay, I was crying in the bathroom, don’t judge) sent a text asking that if breaking up with me was what Annie needed from him, I needed it to be sooner, rather than later and I requested that he talk to me in person about it. I then spent the rest of the day trying not to freak out. I cried when I came home. I told Myr what was happening. You all know how he reacted. Bless his heart, he tried SO hard to be supportive, but I still believe that a part of him was relieved it was over for Abe and me.

Abe and I have since had a few private conversations, where we were able to discuss what this breakup meant, and why he chose to do it when he did. He was running himself ragged trying to keep up with all three girls. He had intended to wait until Annie’s divorce was final before breaking it off with me, but decided not to string me along as I was clearly more involved than he had realized. He was concerned that my relationship with him was creating stress for Myr and me, as the two of us had been tense lately. (This was NOT related to Abe in any way, we have other stress like every couple.)  We have remained friends. He still wants to help me work on my skating skills, and study for the referee exam. He tries to tell me that the only thing that has changed is that we are no longer intimate.  I don’t know if I believe him.

I can’t hate him, because he was right to make this choice. This was the first truly rational and adult decision he has made in the time we were together. So, I want to hate him, but I continue to love him. I can’t face her yet. Can’t deal with her. Apparently, she saw me the night of the big breakup, could see that I was upset. Didn’t know who I was or why I was upset, but wanted to help. She saw the whole breakup happen before she realized who I was and was genuinely sorry to see me cry. Really? Why can’t she be a raving beast? Why can’t I hate her?

Sometimes I feel like a Christmas toy. No really, go with me here. In the beginning, he wanted to play with me all the time. Then he put me away for a while, things became busy for him, and I was less demanding than the other ladies, so I got less of his time. I became his post derby booty call. He took me off the shelf once every couple of weeks, played with me, then put me away again. Now, we still talk, but it always seems to be on his terms. Some days, we are great friends, and it seems our relationship is better than it ever was when we were dating. Other days, I want to punch him in the face.

Sometimes polyamory sucks. We fall in love, and then get hurt.

Was he worth it? Yes. I am a better person for having known him, and will maintain a close relationship with him. We’re just not intimate anymore. He is aware that I will not be seeking another relationship anytime soon. I wasn’t looking for one when I found him.
It was one HOT summer, and I will cherish every moment, even the painful ones.