I want to hate him Guest post by Bayanni

3 Oct

I do. I really want to hate him for the pain he has caused.
Or her. I want to hate her. Really though, it’s not her fault, and she seems nice enough.

Recently, my relationship with Abe came to an end. Apparently, his primary, who we will call Annie, was feeling threatened and intimidated by me. I don’t know HOW, as I am a married woman and could never give him more than I was already doing. He was never going to leave her for me, in fact, he was always going to leave me for her. I knew it, I did. From day one, we were very clear that she was primary, I was not. This was fine with me, since I have my own primary. Then the distancing started. He replied to fewer messages, called less, spent less time with me. Then I was relegated to post derby booty call.
I could see the writing on the wall, but he kept insisting that all was well. Then I became comfortable in the relationship again. I let myself believe that everything was okay. We were talking again, spending time together.

I had expressed an interest in meeting Annie to Abe, and he told me that he would bring it up with her to see what she thought. We had never met, but I knew quite a lot about her from Abe. He told me quite a bit about her, and her situation. She was his high school crush, the “one that got away” as it were. (Oddly like Kasini and Myr in a strange effed up way) She had recently left her husband who was apparently NOT an upstanding gentleman. I wanted to meet her. I thought it would be easier to share with this woman if we knew each other. It is easier for me knowing and loving Kasini. I had thought it would be easier for me to relax and enjoy the relationship while it lasted if I knew her. That way, she would cease to be the supermodel and amazing lover my brain had convinced me that she was. I thought it would be easier for her if she knew that I wasn’t going to fight her for him.

Then he told me she wasn’t happy with poly anymore. She wanted to be exclusive. He said that he told her he wasn’t going to be exclusive until her divorce was final. That’s all well and good, but I can’t maintain a relationship that is already dead. I can’t pretend like we’re okay when in fact, we’re done.  I care for him, and couldn’t face months of a relationship that is already over.

I over reacted. In hind sight, I know now that several environmental stresses converged on me at this precise moment, making this the absolute last thing I could tolerate. I was upset by the impending breakup. I calmly (okay, I was crying in the bathroom, don’t judge) sent a text asking that if breaking up with me was what Annie needed from him, I needed it to be sooner, rather than later and I requested that he talk to me in person about it. I then spent the rest of the day trying not to freak out. I cried when I came home. I told Myr what was happening. You all know how he reacted. Bless his heart, he tried SO hard to be supportive, but I still believe that a part of him was relieved it was over for Abe and me.

Abe and I have since had a few private conversations, where we were able to discuss what this breakup meant, and why he chose to do it when he did. He was running himself ragged trying to keep up with all three girls. He had intended to wait until Annie’s divorce was final before breaking it off with me, but decided not to string me along as I was clearly more involved than he had realized. He was concerned that my relationship with him was creating stress for Myr and me, as the two of us had been tense lately. (This was NOT related to Abe in any way, we have other stress like every couple.)  We have remained friends. He still wants to help me work on my skating skills, and study for the referee exam. He tries to tell me that the only thing that has changed is that we are no longer intimate.  I don’t know if I believe him.

I can’t hate him, because he was right to make this choice. This was the first truly rational and adult decision he has made in the time we were together. So, I want to hate him, but I continue to love him. I can’t face her yet. Can’t deal with her. Apparently, she saw me the night of the big breakup, could see that I was upset. Didn’t know who I was or why I was upset, but wanted to help. She saw the whole breakup happen before she realized who I was and was genuinely sorry to see me cry. Really? Why can’t she be a raving beast? Why can’t I hate her?

Sometimes I feel like a Christmas toy. No really, go with me here. In the beginning, he wanted to play with me all the time. Then he put me away for a while, things became busy for him, and I was less demanding than the other ladies, so I got less of his time. I became his post derby booty call. He took me off the shelf once every couple of weeks, played with me, then put me away again. Now, we still talk, but it always seems to be on his terms. Some days, we are great friends, and it seems our relationship is better than it ever was when we were dating. Other days, I want to punch him in the face.

Sometimes polyamory sucks. We fall in love, and then get hurt.

Was he worth it? Yes. I am a better person for having known him, and will maintain a close relationship with him. We’re just not intimate anymore. He is aware that I will not be seeking another relationship anytime soon. I wasn’t looking for one when I found him.
It was one HOT summer, and I will cherish every moment, even the painful ones.

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5 Responses to “I want to hate him Guest post by Bayanni”

  1. Kasini October 3, 2011 at 12:34 pm #

    that’s ok, I’ll hate him for you!

    oh, ok, I don’t HATE HIM, hate him. It’s not with the heat of one thousand fiery suns or anything, but still. You’re my friend and he dumped you and so I’m allowed to hate him. It’s my job.

    • Myrddwn October 3, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

      Hell, I even hate him a little. He hurt the woman I love with the heat of one thousand fiery suns, and that puts him on my shit list.

      • bayanni October 3, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

        In his defense guys, He didn’t realize that he picked the EXACT wrong moment to drop that little bomb on me. He didn’t realize that I had thrown myself into the relationship with such abandon. He told me from the beginning to protect my heart, because he would eventually have to break it off.
        He’s not a bad guy. He can be on your shit lists for having HORRIBLE timing, but don’t hate him on my behalf. You can hate her though. maybe a little, just for me.

  2. Leslie October 3, 2011 at 2:13 pm #

    I’m crying with you, Bayanni. Love is complicated and yet still wonderful and beautiful and even the pain can be cherished. I agree that it’s worth it to stay open and stay vulnerable regardless of the risk of pain. The risk of thinking you are on the same page as your lover and finding out once it’s over that reality was different. No one ever thinks it’s going to be easy, but when the bumps come, no amount of mental preparation can soften the blow. Emotions are a spectrum and being able to feel that full spectrum is truly a blessing.

    For what it’s worth, internet hugs from a complete stranger: *tight-hugs*

    May this relationship always be a beautiful place in the embroidery Love has made on your heart. May you learn more about yourself and loving from every pin prick.

    • bayanni October 3, 2011 at 6:28 pm #

      Thanks for commenting Leslie. Thanks for the internet hugs.
      Abe will continue to hold a special place in my heart, no matter what happens with him and Annie.
      I have learned much about myself and my capacity for love through this relationship, and learned a lot about myself and Myrddwyn as well.
      I am lucky to have Myr and Fanny. Everything else is just icing at this point.

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