Coulda Been, Woulda Been, Shoulda Been…

This post is about hypocracy.

My dating life is rather full right now, between Bayani, Isadora, and a Friend With Benefits who I may speak about later. I’m not exactly looking for more women, but I’m not going to turn them down either. This is where Kaliope comes in. She and I have been sort of stalking her on a poly friendly dating site for some time now, but her profile says she is only looking for women. I should point out, as this becomes important later, that she was in a relationship with a male, and that any females she met should be open to partnering to him as well. I should also point out all this drama and stress has just made me appreciate what I have with Bayani and Isadora that much more. Also keep in mind this is all from my point of view, I have only what I saw, and what I was told, to go off of. Her side of the story might be different. If so, let her blog about it. This is what I saw.

So Kaliope and I started talking and hit it off, and decided to meet. Then we really hit it off. The sexual tension was palpable.

It turns out she and her long term boyfriend had been polyamorous for years, but had limited their experience to women, both for him and for her. He was uncomfortable with the idea of her dating me, but agreed to allow it. Yes, ‘allow’ is the right turn of phrase.

Now, Bayani and I have some rules about intimacy, to ensure that not only do we not make mistakes, to ensure we can each adjust to each others new partners. We agree to advance through the ‘bases’ slowly, one at a time. I told Kaliope about this rule, and she agreed it was a good idea, both for her and for her boyfriend.

She was new to this as well, I was the first man she was interested in for over a decade, so taking things slow seemed like a good idea. I thought I would be great for her, as I had been in his position just over a year ago. I understood his reactions, as I had just had them myself.

At the same time as she was dating me, Kaliope was also dating a new girl, keep that in mind.

We got to first base. Everything was good. We got to second base, and this boyfriend of hers flipped out. Now, there can be some confusion on exactly what happens on which base, but this was beyond that. Second base is pretty universally considered to be access too boobs. She had her shirt off while we made out. He was not ok with this. They argued all weekend. He did not think that was taking things slowly at all. Turns out he had somewhere between twelve and sixteen bases in mind. So we moved back to first base for a bit, just until he was comfortable with the idea.

Our schedules didn’t overlap much, and finding time to date was difficult. And he seemed very reluctant to give up any of what he considered ‘his’ time with her. Which was just about all her free time. Bayani and I reserve Sunday afternoon and evenings just for ourselves. No other events or activities, just the two of us. He reserved all of Sunday. And Saturday night. Any time I asked for felt to him like I was stealing her away. He protested. Not, I should point out, when she went out with this other girl.

A while later she felt it was ok to move on, and we got to second base. Sort of. We kept our clothes on, out of respect for his comfort level, but went ahead and put our hands down each others pants. Second base for some, third for others. She seemed like she enjoyed herself, and informed me the next time we met I was going to get a blow job. Definitely third base.

She told him what we did, and what she planned on doing next, and he freaked out again. Threw a tantrum. They fought all weekend. We went back to first base. Worse, she was not allowed to be alone with me, nor could we do more than lightly kiss.

Keep in mind, he was dating other women while all of this was going on. So was she.

She started making excuses for him. He was feeling rejected, and this would be easier for him if only he had a serious girlfriend to distract him. He was not being hypocritical, he was simply more tolerant of her dating women because he had time to get used to the idea. He wasn’t making demands, she was just being considerate of his comfort level.

The next time she came over, all we did was talk. Uncomfortably. He wanted her to break up with me, but was not going to insist on it. Yeah, when you tell someone you want to tell them to break it off but won’t insist, you are pretty much telling them to break it off. But she didn’t want to, she wanted to find a way to make it work.

A week later we had another date. Nothing but talking. More excuses, more uncomfortable talking. We weren’t  exactly breaking up, but she couldn’t really see me any more.

What the Hell?

I broke it off. Officially. I could not deal with this any more. I need to be able to fall for a girl without worrying about someone else’s rules. A relationship needs to be able to grow without restriction.

The hypocrisy was breathtaking.

I’m sorry, but if you cannot tolerate a behavior from your mate, then you had better damn well stop that behavior yourself. If she does not get to date men than you don’g get to date women. Allowing her to date women is not any better. It’s just as hypocritical, and is pretty damn sexist. That attitude implies a woman is less of a threat than a man, and therefore has less value. If you can’t stomach the thought of a man fingering your woman, then why is it ok for a woman to finger your woman?

Over a year ago, Bayani and I had a One Penis Policy. Well, not really. Bayani was simply not interested in other men. And when she was, when Abernethy came around, I was ready. Ok, not nearly as ready as I thought I would be. I had my reactions, my insecurities. But I didn’t stand in her way. I looked inside, I figured out where my reactions came from, and I dealt with them. Before Abernethy, I knew my discomfort with other men wasn’t healthy, that it needed to change. And I worked to remedy that.

This guy was doing the opposite. Rather than deal with his problems himself, he was looking for external solutions. Rules. Limitations. Restrictions. And that’s not healthy.

As far as I am aware, they are both still dating other women.