Dogs Are Gross, or Some Stories Are Only Funny In Hindsight

16 Sep

I’ve never really known what the proper etiquette is to remove a condom after sex.

Do I just lay there and cuddle with it on? Do I jump up and run to the bathroom to remove it? Do I pull it off and set it on the nightstand to deal with later? Most of the time I run the bathroom, but from time to time I just remove the damn thing and set it on my dresser next to the bed to be disposed of momentarily. I guess I’m doing it right, because sometimes Bayani’s partners do the same. I know because several times I’ve come home to find a used condom on my dresser.

Not cool.

I’ve spoken to Bayani about it a couple times, and for the most part this is not a problem, but once or twice a year there’s a lapse. If this were her dresser I would not be nearly so grossed out, but it’s mine. Recently the offending article was piled up against a stack of recently folded clothes of mine. Really not cool. I have to rewash the entire stack now. I’ve done it myself once or twice, so I can’t get too angry, but always on MY dresser.

This story takes place over  year ago, and while I was rather upset at the time, in hindsight it’s pretty damn funny, after one such incident where I left a used condom on my dresser and Bayani had remarked on being unhappy about seeing it.

A couple days later, after another encounter requiring a condom; Bayani is in the kitchen, and I wander into the bedroom to see a condom on the floor. In front of the dog bed. The dog is looking rather ashamed, not making eye contact and such. Looks like the dog found a condom and licked it clean. Dammit, I left one out again! I quickly snatch it up before Bayani can see it. Then I see a second one, and snatch that up too, without thinking. Wait a minute…

Suddenly I see that that plastic bag kept on the back of the door knob for garbage has a hole in it, with yet another used condom hanging out, and I realize these are Beaux’s condoms that he has disposed of in the garbage bag.

I’m holding another man’s used condom.

GROSS!

I drop everything and run into the bathroom to furiously scrub my hands, screaming to my wife how we’re gona get rid of the dogs and if her stupid boyfriend needs to properly dispose of his condoms.

She was very apologetic, but the damage was done. My hand was tainted. I was going to have to chop it off. I can strap on a chainsaw to the stump, and be like my demon-zombie killing hero Ash Wiliams.

I can laugh at it now, of course. Actually, I was laughing at it back then, even as I washed my hands, it was just such a ridiculous situation I HAD to!

The Inevitable Breakup, or Losing a Girl to a Monogamous Man

13 Sep

Isadora is gone.

I has a sad.

I knew it was coming though, she wanted a Primary of her own I simply could not offer her that, and she found a man who could. I’m truly happy for her, even if I miss her boobs, and we are still friends(though without the imperative of sex it’s hard to find time to get together). Most difficult is the fact that she reads this blog. *waves* Hello Isadora! I finally got around to writing about you. I write about drama, and you have provided me with so little of that I almost have nothing to write about.

I came to care for Isadora as much as or more as I do Fanny, and between the two of them I have had some wonderful polyamorous experiences. I have seen how good things can really be, how fulfilling this lifestyle can be.  I have learned as much about myself from them as I have from Bayani’s partners. The two of them are the only women other than Bayani that I have been able to, wanted to, say the L word to. Bayani says that as easily as she makes out with strangers at a party. To her it can have layers of meaning. I had to learn that saying ‘I love you’ to a woman does not have to mean the same thing as when I say it to Bayani. Fanny and Isadora taught me that. They won’t be the last ones I say it to surely, though I don’t say it easily.

When I first met Isadora she was not looking for anything serious and thought I was perfect for her needs. She was in the process of getting divorced and serious was the last thing she wanted. That was two years ago. Along the way she began to realize she wanted more. Not necessarily from me, though having me in her life as a Secondary may have made her realize how badly she missed having a Primary.

Then she met this other fella. A monogamous man who was not the least bit interested in polyamory. He knew about me and my situation and my relationship with Isadora, and accepted it for a while. But once the two of them became sexually active he assumed she stopped sleeping with me and she allowed him to maintain that assumption.  I was unaware of that fact.

As the two of them began to spend more and more time together, I could feel the end approaching. When it came, I was prepared. Sad, but prepared. She didn’t want to lie to him anymore, which I understand.

So she’s gone.

I cannot help but think that had she been honest with this guy from the start, told him she was still sexually active with me, that maybe, just maybe, he would be accepting of it and would allow it to continue. But that is nothing more than wishful thinking, I know that.

Isadora, I really do wish you well and am happy for you, as much as I miss your spectacular boobs….

 

Dishonesty

10 Sep

She lied to me.

About sex.

Sort of. Mostly. It’s complicated.

Beaux is gone, and there are two new guys. Let’s call them Cassius and Cyrus. Cassius and his wife were friends of Beaux’s, and we met them at a party. As Bayani’s and Beaux’s relationship began to disintegrate,  Cassius began courting her. Cassius and his wife are part of a fairly open poly group that includes Cyrus.

I have issues with Cyrus. Not rational ones I will admit. The first time they met for coffee(just coffee, as friends, she said), Bayani came home with bruises on her lovely boobs from where Cyrus had grabbed them too hard. Dood, you didn’t even bother to discuss boundaries?  First time I met the fellow, he remarks about my three legged dog that women also call him ‘tripod’. Really? You’re asking to take my wife out and your crudely brag about the size of your dick? Nice bro. I don’t like the guy. Not like Cassius who is respectful and courteous.

Cyrus has a girlfriend, we’ll call her Cyrill. Bayani and Cyrus and Cyrill hang out from time to time. One morning after she got home late from a movie night with them, we were talking about how the two of them wanted a threesome with Bayani. Something about this conversation made me ask if she had made out with Cyrill. She admitted she had. Now, Bayani is a kisser. She loves to make out with people at parties and I am totally fine with that. I have, however asked that she inform me if there is ever making out that could lead to more, to sex or a relationship. And this time I had to ask, she didn’t share that little bit of information with me.

I might have been a little overly sensitive, and I even realized that at the time. No big deal, but I did ask that she please inform me if anything else like that is expected to happen, or happens. Random kissing is one thing, kissing that could lead somewhere I think I should be informed about.

About a week later I was on my way home from work. I was tired and cranky and not in the mood to socialize. Bayani could tell this from my rather explicit text letting her know I was on my way home. She told me Cyrus was over watching bad zombie flicks with her, and offered to send him on his way because I was so cranky. I accepted the offer. This is not something I would ever ask, but she offered.

As I drove down the street Cyrus’s car passed me. With two people seated inside.

Fuck.

Cyrus AND Cyrill? I walked in the house and Bayani was in the shower, something she does after sexual contact.

I was pissed.

I was fucking pissed.

I didn’t know there was sex, and she definitely didn’t tell me Cyrill was there.

I blew up at her.

Now, she immediately admitted to fooling around with the two of them in the bedroom, but that’s it. ‘Fooling’ around in this case was about 2nd base, maybe stealing 3rd a little I did not feel better about that. Sex or almost sex, there was a partner in there I was not told about.

She lied to me.

And a lie of omission is still a lie. She didn’t tell me about Cyrill because she knew I was sensitive about the whole threesome with other people idea and didn’t want to upset me. Not a great plan. She knows she did wrong, and we have since worked through it and trust has been completely restored.

I have since told her I am fine with her having a threesome with other people, I can deal with my own jealousies. More Envy, really. As in ‘You got to eat BBQ ribs? I wana eat BBQ ribs!’ 

The real significance of this event isn’t that she was dishonest, it is an opportunity to better communicate expectations about communication. What we expect to be informed on, and what does not need to be said. 

Slowest. Breakup. Ever.

5 Mar

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who just rip a bandaid off and get on with their lives; and those who peel it off bit by bit, flinching at the pain each time.

Beaux is one of the latter.

At least, when it comes to  break ups.

I’m certain Bayani will have her own perspective on things, and I will let her share it when she is ready. But I have mine, and it’s time to vent. There are a lot of odd little moments in polyamory where you step outside of yourself and wonder just what the hell you’ve gotten yourself into. Consoling your wife as she weeps over the loss of a boyfriend was a pretty big one.

I had to do it three times. With the same boyfriend.

I do not believe at this point that Beaux has the mental tools to deal with complex relationships. He had a tendency to take a stress from one relationship and transfer it to another. For instance, his wife was less than honest about sexual contact with one of her secondaries, to the point of out right lying. At that time, Bayani informed him that Fanny would likely be joining us again for another threesome or three. He was uncomfortable with the idea, but accepted it. The morning after Fanny joined us, Bayani told Beaux about it, and he freaked out claiming she had lied to him and had hidden things. Sorry, no lies there, nothing but open communication. But he was sensitive about that because of his issues with his wife.

Beaux started dating this other girl, at the same time that Bayani started fooling around with this guy friend of hers, and in the same breath complained he was not comfortable with her ‘promiscuity’.

During this time he became more and more distant, more and more withdrawn.

Sex stopped happening.

He even complained he didn’t like the ‘expectation of sex’, and suggested the two of them stop having sex for a month, so they could work out their problems. Bayani is a passionate, sensual, sexual woman. She likes sex. She’s eager for sex. I see nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with a person you are sexually involved with. I suspected at the time this was a symptom of a much deeper problem.

Now, Beaux and this other girl of his had not started having sex. She was new to polyamory, and out of deference to her husband, they were taking things slow. I can understand that. It also came out that she was terrified of contracting an STD, and had expressed concerns about Bayani’s ‘promiscuity’. Yup, there it was, that’s where Beaux’s concern came from. Well, that and he was insecure and could not deal with Bayani having additional partners.

The timing was rather suspicious, too. At about the same time as he suggested he and Bayani stop having sex, he announced to her that he and this new girl were about to start.

There was a lot more stress and not talking, and then he decided they should ‘take a break’ from each other for a while.

Bit by bit, he peeled at that bandaid, afraid to just rip it off and be done with it. I suspect that Beaux does not actually know how to break up with a girl; he just withdraws further and further until things fall apart.

Now, Bayani is not without guilt. She allowed this to happen. Though she fought to keep this man she cared for, at some point I believe she should have seen the writing on the wall and just ended it. I did, with Kaliope. Now, I never really fell in love with Kaliope, not like I have with Isadora, but I was in a similar situation wherein I could tell my presence was creating a great deal of stress, both for Kaliope and her boyfriend, and for myself as well. I removed myself from the equation. Bayani was a lot more involved, a lot more invested, and so was not quite willing to give up on the good parts. But in my mind, she should have nipped that in the bud months ago.

Maybe it’s just easier to see this from the outside.

I am completely in love with Isadora, and if something like this should happen between the two of us, I am not entirely certain I would be able to do as I suggest Bayani do. I like to think I could, but I cannot be certain. I look back at my own behaviors and reactions, and while not perfect, at least I have been able to recognize them for what they were. I am able to say when I am insecure or threatened, I am able to compartmentalize stress from one relationship and not transfer it to another: I don’t blame Isadora for something Bayani did.

Regardless, I believe that if you are going to try to live this lifestyle, you need to be a bit more mature, and a lot more self actualized. Relationship stresses are compounded, it’t not just you and your spouse anymore. There are lot more people involved, you don’t get to be selfish anymore.

Grow up. Be a man. Just rip that damn bandaid off and move on.

On Letting Go

26 Dec

Often times, My initial reaction to Bayani pushing the limits of our relationship or my comfort zone, is to clamp down with restrictions and rules.

I realize this is not a health behavior, and I am working on dealing with it. And I have found that the fewer rules I make, the more I let go, the happier I am in the end.

Most recently this came to the surface as Bayani and I were discussing how another couple(two, actually) were courting her as a Unicorn.

I was not happy about this. My wife is NOT a Unicorn. She is NOT a Hawt, Bi, Single Chick who will fuck a couple and leave.

One couple was made up of Abernethy and his girlfriend, who are still friends with us both, and the other was made up of Fanny and her current beaux. I didn’t outright tell her no, but I did insist that the only way I would be comfortable with her joining another couple, is if the female half was able to come join Bayani and I for a threesome as well. It didn’t have to actually happen, it just had to be allowed.

Partially I was jealous there was the possibility of her having threesomes while I had no such prospects on the horizon. I miss threesomes. I mean, I really, REALLY miss threesomes.

But I also have an intellectual problem with a couple that will court another partnered female yet refuses the possibility of her joining us. Hypocritical. After the whole incident with Kaliope I am a little sensitive to hypocracy. Fanny’s beaux insisted she not be allowed to play with Bayani and I, something she has done several dozen times and wishes to do again, and Abernethy refused to allow for the possibility of his girlfriend joining us, though in her case she was not interested. Two One Penis Policies in action.

I finally decided that it was not my place to put such restrictions on Bayani. I told her to go ahead if she wanted to. She knows I am seriously craving a threesome, and that I have issues with the hypocracy shown by both couples. I doubt anything will happen with Fanny and her beaux, as Bayani is not really attracted to him, and they may soon break up anyway. And once I stopping trying to control it, I found I really didn’t care if Bayani had a little fun on the side with Abernethy and his girl. I will admit to a little jealousy about the threesome, but I can deal with that.

Most importantly for me was the realization that once I let go I felt better. Every time I let go, relax a restriction, give up a rule, I feel better. We do have a few rules in place still. Always use a condom. No spending the night. Sex on the bed is ok but not in the bed.  This reserves a few special things just for us. Someday one of us may reach a point where we want to spend the night with our partner, or fluid bond with them. I will deal with deciding weather or not to relax control at that time.

I want her to be able to love and play freely. I want her to be happy. I want her to have fun. And if she decides playing with another couple makes her happy, then I want her to go for it, freely and without reservation.

It costs me nothing to allow this. I’m not losing out on anything. She’s happier, and I am better off.

Coulda Been, Woulda Been, Shoulda Been…

17 Dec

This post is about hypocracy.

My dating life is rather full right now, between Bayani, Isadora, and a Friend With Benefits who I may speak about later. I’m not exactly looking for more women, but I’m not going to turn them down either. This is where Kaliope comes in. She and I have been sort of stalking her on a poly friendly dating site for some time now, but her profile says she is only looking for women. I should point out, as this becomes important later, that she was in a relationship with a male, and that any females she met should be open to partnering to him as well. I should also point out all this drama and stress has just made me appreciate what I have with Bayani and Isadora that much more. Also keep in mind this is all from my point of view, I have only what I saw, and what I was told, to go off of. Her side of the story might be different. If so, let her blog about it. This is what I saw.

So Kaliope and I started talking and hit it off, and decided to meet. Then we really hit it off. The sexual tension was palpable.

It turns out she and her long term boyfriend had been polyamorous for years, but had limited their experience to women, both for him and for her. He was uncomfortable with the idea of her dating me, but agreed to allow it. Yes, ‘allow’ is the right turn of phrase.

Now, Bayani and I have some rules about intimacy, to ensure that not only do we not make mistakes, to ensure we can each adjust to each others new partners. We agree to advance through the ‘bases’ slowly, one at a time. I told Kaliope about this rule, and she agreed it was a good idea, both for her and for her boyfriend.

She was new to this as well, I was the first man she was interested in for over a decade, so taking things slow seemed like a good idea. I thought I would be great for her, as I had been in his position just over a year ago. I understood his reactions, as I had just had them myself.

At the same time as she was dating me, Kaliope was also dating a new girl, keep that in mind.

We got to first base. Everything was good. We got to second base, and this boyfriend of hers flipped out. Now, there can be some confusion on exactly what happens on which base, but this was beyond that. Second base is pretty universally considered to be access too boobs. She had her shirt off while we made out. He was not ok with this. They argued all weekend. He did not think that was taking things slowly at all. Turns out he had somewhere between twelve and sixteen bases in mind. So we moved back to first base for a bit, just until he was comfortable with the idea.

Our schedules didn’t overlap much, and finding time to date was difficult. And he seemed very reluctant to give up any of what he considered ‘his’ time with her. Which was just about all her free time. Bayani and I reserve Sunday afternoon and evenings just for ourselves. No other events or activities, just the two of us. He reserved all of Sunday. And Saturday night. Any time I asked for felt to him like I was stealing her away. He protested. Not, I should point out, when she went out with this other girl.

A while later she felt it was ok to move on, and we got to second base. Sort of. We kept our clothes on, out of respect for his comfort level, but went ahead and put our hands down each others pants. Second base for some, third for others. She seemed like she enjoyed herself, and informed me the next time we met I was going to get a blow job. Definitely third base.

She told him what we did, and what she planned on doing next, and he freaked out again. Threw a tantrum. They fought all weekend. We went back to first base. Worse, she was not allowed to be alone with me, nor could we do more than lightly kiss.

Keep in mind, he was dating other women while all of this was going on. So was she.

She started making excuses for him. He was feeling rejected, and this would be easier for him if only he had a serious girlfriend to distract him. He was not being hypocritical, he was simply more tolerant of her dating women because he had time to get used to the idea. He wasn’t making demands, she was just being considerate of his comfort level.

The next time she came over, all we did was talk. Uncomfortably. He wanted her to break up with me, but was not going to insist on it. Yeah, when you tell someone you want to tell them to break it off but won’t insist, you are pretty much telling them to break it off. But she didn’t want to, she wanted to find a way to make it work.

A week later we had another date. Nothing but talking. More excuses, more uncomfortable talking. We weren’t  exactly breaking up, but she couldn’t really see me any more.

What the Hell?

I broke it off. Officially. I could not deal with this any more. I need to be able to fall for a girl without worrying about someone else’s rules. A relationship needs to be able to grow without restriction.

The hypocrisy was breathtaking.

I’m sorry, but if you cannot tolerate a behavior from your mate, then you had better damn well stop that behavior yourself. If she does not get to date men than you don’g get to date women. Allowing her to date women is not any better. It’s just as hypocritical, and is pretty damn sexist. That attitude implies a woman is less of a threat than a man, and therefore has less value. If you can’t stomach the thought of a man fingering your woman, then why is it ok for a woman to finger your woman?

Over a year ago, Bayani and I had a One Penis Policy. Well, not really. Bayani was simply not interested in other men. And when she was, when Abernethy came around, I was ready. Ok, not nearly as ready as I thought I would be. I had my reactions, my insecurities. But I didn’t stand in her way. I looked inside, I figured out where my reactions came from, and I dealt with them. Before Abernethy, I knew my discomfort with other men wasn’t healthy, that it needed to change. And I worked to remedy that.

This guy was doing the opposite. Rather than deal with his problems himself, he was looking for external solutions. Rules. Limitations. Restrictions. And that’s not healthy.

As far as I am aware, they are both still dating other women.

It’s Been An Interesting Year…

13 Dec

We aren’t dead yet.

It’s been an interesting year, since Kasini and I broke up. It felt strange to be writing on here without her. And it felt strange to be writing about my current relationship while still dating her. Let’s call her Isadora. In a previous post I wrote about two women, Mrs Coffee and another. I chose Mrs Coffee, and at the same time started dating Isadora. Technically, since Mrs Coffee and I had intercourse, according to my Rules of the Blog, she should be called Imogen. Since they both came at the same time, they both get ‘I’ names.

Imogen was married and polyamorous, and had the absolute largest set of knockers I have ever had the joy to play with. But it just didn’t work out, did not last long at all. Don’t know why. Not too upset about it, as much as I miss those knockers, because I started really falling for Isadora anyway, and would have chosen her over Imogen in the end.

Isadora and I have been dating for quite a while now. She also has great boobs. She is single, unless you count her ridiculous dachshund.

Bayani is still dating Beaux, and while there has been some drama here and there, they are quite happy. They just celebrated their one year anniversary.

I will save my reactions to their relationship for another post.

I have met a few other interesting people over the past year too. Like Jenevieve. She is a friend of a friend, someone I had met at parties a few times, where she seemed quite curious about polyamory, but her husband was less than comfortable with the conversation. She had been stalking Bayani and I on social networking sites for a while, watching us flirt and generally be sickeningly cute with each other. She started hanging out with me, talking about relationships. Hers was falling apart. Two years without sex, no love, no intimacy, and a whole pile of troubles that just couldn’t be worked out. She confessed to craving intimacy, and asked me to provide that. A Friend’s With Benefits situation. Well, she is pretty damn cute so I agreed, provided she tell her soon to be ex-husband.

Isadora was uncomfortable with the idea of Jenevieve, but to her credit caused no drama. Isadora is deliciously free of drama. It’s quite nice to date someone mature and rational.

Which brings me Kalliope.

She get’s her own post.

So, that’s it in a nutshell. Time to start messing around on the ol’ poly blog, I think.

Time for Goodby

27 Feb

Given that my most recent post was at the beginning of December, I think it’ll come as no surprise when I say that this is my last post here.

I always find it a bit annoying and puzzling when people just abruptly stop updating their blog, with no goodby. But I’ve been putting off writing this post because I find I really don’t have much to say about why I’m going. It’s been fun, but I’ve a need to spend my time elsewhere. Myrddwn and Bayani are going to continue to blog here and I’ll pop in as a commenter from time to time.

Be well and be happy.

 

And I Thought I Was Ready For This

23 Jan

Bayani is in love with Beau.

And I don’t like it.

Well, it’s not so much that I don’t like it, it’s the culturally programmed part of my psyche does not like it. I thought I was fine with her being with other men. I thought I had worked out all my negative emotions with Abe. I guess not.

Now, I am not bothered with her having sex with this new guy. Really, I’m not. I even offered to rescind our Not In Our Bed rule to make things easier for her(which ended up working to my advantage with Hildegard). But the sheer joy on her face when she gets a text or email from him, that bothered me. A lot more than I thought it would. And it’s not so much that I am bothered by this relationship, I find myself having automatic reactions, thought burbling up from deep in my subconscious, things I almost think I should think. These are nothing more than reactions I have been told my entire life I should have. Damn you cultural programming!

So it seems with Abe I had to work through my wife having sex with another man, and with Beau I have to work through her falling in love with another man.

I had my typical behavioral reaction: I at first tried to put limits on what she could do, but very quickly realized what I as doing. Abe taught me that about myself, I tend to try to control things that make me uncomfortable. I know better, I don’t get to control any part of her relationship with Beau.

I did make one mistake(that I know of so far), in that I kept asking her to reassure me that he would never be more than a secondary, that she would not want him to be more than a boyfriend. This was how I dealt with my insecurities, by telling myself he will never be more than just a boyfriend, I get to be the husband. But my asking her this repeatedly made her feel as if I did not trust her enough to  limit the relationship on her own.

Limit the relationship, there it is again.

There is going to be a limit to their relationship. There has to be. I cannot be one of those guys whose wife has a live in boyfriend. That’s not me. And I would not ask her to accept my live in girlfriend either. So I don’t think this is my trying to control things, there is simply a natural limit to where things can go, and I have to content myself with that limit and not try to impose my own. I have to trust that she will always choose me in the end, in the same way that know I will always choose her over any and all of my other relationships. And I should not make her choose either. I really don’t want to make her choose. She can have this exciting new relationship and it won’t really cost me anything other than a bit of anxiety I need to work through myself.

I’ve met the guy, which was not nearly as awkward as I thought it would be. He’s a nice guy, a great guy, and I find I like him. I like her with him. Last night we had dinner with Beau and his wife. Oh yes, he is married as well, which should serve to reassure me further that their relationship will never grow to threaten mine. Dinner was not nearly as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Beau’s wife is pretty damn cute, and looks a lot like Bayani. In fact, Beau looks a lot like me too. They are like our evil twins. Well, I think we are the evil twins, as I think we are far kinkier than they. So Beau’s wife is cute, and I found myself wanting to know more about her. She and I agree that we should get to know each other better, if for no other reason than to better accommodate Bayani and Beau. To do this, she and I will need to be able to talk without our spouses around, as last night I think we were all too defined by our relationships. I want to get to know her as her, not as  Beau’s Wife. I know Beau would love for us to hook up, he thinks a new relationship would be good for her. But I don’t want to pursue her because it would be more convenient to be dating my wife’s boyfriend’s wife, or because she is the only one available for me at the moment(she’s not, I have several fish on the line right now). But she is pretty damn attractive, and she is pretty cool too. I think we may have a lot in common, and I am willing to put forth the effort to find out.

I am considering asking her out. Come to think of it, I may have already.

Well That Was Over Fast- Ooh Look More Cuties!

16 Jan

There is something magical about the number three.

In Fish Stories I talked about my curious habit of counting sexual instances, hoping for that magical third time. It’s a guy thing, maybe, or perhaps some hidden insecurities are creeping up to whisper in my ear. Hildegard made it to the magical third time.

Then she dumped my ass.

Hildegard and I shared great connection as we first corresponded through email, and that same spark was still there when we met in person, plus a rather intense sexual attraction. You could have bottled the pheromones floating in the air around us.

Bayani could read this chemistry as easily as she reads every other emotional reaction of mine. And she didn’t like it. A strong emotional connection is one thing, but add in a fierce sexual attraction, and she was more than a little bit threatened. And then she met Hildegard for the first time. And she freaked out.

Bayani was being very accommodating, and had offered to take the kids out of the house to give Hildegard and I a few hours of alone time. Coincidentally, my mother was taking the kids overnight, so Bayani had an opportunity to drop them off and then head up to Beau’s house. She cried the entire way. I will let Bayani write about her reaction, as she knows much better than I what she was going through, and why. To her credit, she did not allow any of her negative reactions affect her behavior towards my new relationship with Hildegard. There was only so much I could do, was willing to do, to accommodate my wife’s reaction. On the one hand, I did not want to do anything to make her unhappy; but on the other hand, she might very well have this kind of reaction to any woman I chose to date. Bayani assured me this was just something she needed to work through, that while she was not fine at the moment, she would be. I trusted her and proceeded, keeping her emotional state in mind.

Hidlegard had never dated a married man before. I had told her that I would prefer she date other men while she was dating me, as I could only offer her so much. She was new to the whole polyamorous thing, but was open to exploring. Then she met this man in Denver, a man with whom she could share a much more intense personal connection than she did with me(they were both musicians, I have zero musical talent). Bit by bit, our talk shifted from geekery and politics and sexuality and religion, to pure sex. As this other man filled her need for an emotional connection, I began to fill only the sexual needs.

And the sex was fantastic.

Sorry Bayani, I know you don’t want to read this, but it was. Well, no more fantastic than the sex has been with any of the other women I have shared an intense emotional/intellectual connection with, and was not nearly as satisfying as it is with Bayani. And I was able to help Hildegard explore new things: she had never been spanked or tied up, and found with my help that she enjoyed both. She giggled the entire time I spanked her.

But she wanted more than just sex, she wanted a relationship. She fell in love with this man in Denver. A man she has never met, and would not meet for at least six more weeks. And once again, monogamy reared it’s ugly head. She chose him over me.

Damn.

Now, I want Hildegard to be happy, I really do. I hope things work out with Mr Denver, I hope she can be happy with him. But I can still lament the loss of a really awesome gall.

And so once again I find myself moving on, looking for another girl, another connection, another relationship. At the moment I have been corresponding with several women I have met online. Yesterday I met one for coffee, a lovely, quiet, deliciously curvy girl; and tonight after work I will be meeting another for a beer. Mrs Coffee is much more the type Bayani would want me to be with, less classically beautiful and more on the plus side of plus sized, but is absolutely my type and I find I am seriously attracted to her. She is also married and polyamorous, though they are new to the lifestyle and I would be her first male lover since her husband. Ms Beer is a few years older than I and is deep her super-libido phase,  is rather hot, and is also open to polyamory. She might be looking for more of a fuck buddy thing, which is not exactly what I want. It’s difficult to let go of the possibility of screwing an attractive, highly sexual woman. And honestly, it’s flattering that she is so interested in me. I will have to see what comes of our meeting tonight, if it’s just about physical chemistry and sex, I may have to pass.

Damn, it sucks to be mature.

*Update: Mrs Beer did not work out. Mrs Coffee did for a while, and had lovely massive boobs. At that time I also met Isadora, whom I dated for about a year and a half.*