Dogs Are Gross, or Some Stories Are Only Funny In Hindsight

16 Sep

I’ve never really known what the proper etiquette is to remove a condom after sex.

Do I just lay there and cuddle with it on? Do I jump up and run to the bathroom to remove it? Do I pull it off and set it on the nightstand to deal with later? Most of the time I run the bathroom, but from time to time I just remove the damn thing and set it on my dresser next to the bed to be disposed of momentarily. I guess I’m doing it right, because sometimes Bayani’s partners do the same. I know because several times I’ve come home to find a used condom on my dresser.

Not cool.

I’ve spoken to Bayani about it a couple times, and for the most part this is not a problem, but once or twice a year there’s a lapse. If this were her dresser I would not be nearly so grossed out, but it’s mine. Recently the offending article was piled up against a stack of recently folded clothes of mine. Really not cool. I have to rewash the entire stack now. I’ve done it myself once or twice, so I can’t get too angry, but always on MY dresser.

This story takes place over  year ago, and while I was rather upset at the time, in hindsight it’s pretty damn funny, after one such incident where I left a used condom on my dresser and Bayani had remarked on being unhappy about seeing it.

A couple days later, after another encounter requiring a condom; Bayani is in the kitchen, and I wander into the bedroom to see a condom on the floor. In front of the dog bed. The dog is looking rather ashamed, not making eye contact and such. Looks like the dog found a condom and licked it clean. Dammit, I left one out again! I quickly snatch it up before Bayani can see it. Then I see a second one, and snatch that up too, without thinking. Wait a minute…

Suddenly I see that that plastic bag kept on the back of the door knob for garbage has a hole in it, with yet another used condom hanging out, and I realize these are Beaux’s condoms that he has disposed of in the garbage bag.

I’m holding another man’s used condom.


I drop everything and run into the bathroom to furiously scrub my hands, screaming to my wife how we’re gona get rid of the dogs and if her stupid boyfriend needs to properly dispose of his condoms.

She was very apologetic, but the damage was done. My hand was tainted. I was going to have to chop it off. I can strap on a chainsaw to the stump, and be like my demon-zombie killing hero Ash Wiliams.

I can laugh at it now, of course. Actually, I was laughing at it back then, even as I washed my hands, it was just such a ridiculous situation I HAD to!


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