Slowest. Breakup. Ever.

5 Mar

There are two kinds of people in this world: those who just rip a bandaid off and get on with their lives; and those who peel it off bit by bit, flinching at the pain each time.

Beaux is one of the latter.

At least, when it comes to  break ups.

I’m certain Bayani will have her own perspective on things, and I will let her share it when she is ready. But I have mine, and it’s time to vent. There are a lot of odd little moments in polyamory where you step outside of yourself and wonder just what the hell you’ve gotten yourself into. Consoling your wife as she weeps over the loss of a boyfriend was a pretty big one.

I had to do it three times. With the same boyfriend.

I do not believe at this point that Beaux has the mental tools to deal with complex relationships. He had a tendency to take a stress from one relationship and transfer it to another. For instance, his wife was less than honest about sexual contact with one of her secondaries, to the point of out right lying. At that time, Bayani informed him that Fanny would likely be joining us again for another threesome or three. He was uncomfortable with the idea, but accepted it. The morning after Fanny joined us, Bayani told Beaux about it, and he freaked out claiming she had lied to him and had hidden things. Sorry, no lies there, nothing but open communication. But he was sensitive about that because of his issues with his wife.

Beaux started dating this other girl, at the same time that Bayani started fooling around with this guy friend of hers, and in the same breath complained he was not comfortable with her ‘promiscuity’.

During this time he became more and more distant, more and more withdrawn.

Sex stopped happening.

He even complained he didn’t like the ‘expectation of sex’, and suggested the two of them stop having sex for a month, so they could work out their problems. Bayani is a passionate, sensual, sexual woman. She likes sex. She’s eager for sex. I see nothing wrong with wanting to have sex with a person you are sexually involved with. I suspected at the time this was a symptom of a much deeper problem.

Now, Beaux and this other girl of his had not started having sex. She was new to polyamory, and out of deference to her husband, they were taking things slow. I can understand that. It also came out that she was terrified of contracting an STD, and had expressed concerns about Bayani’s ‘promiscuity’. Yup, there it was, that’s where Beaux’s concern came from. Well, that and he was insecure and could not deal with Bayani having additional partners.

The timing was rather suspicious, too. At about the same time as he suggested he and Bayani stop having sex, he announced to her that he and this new girl were about to start.

There was a lot more stress and not talking, and then he decided they should ‘take a break’ from each other for a while.

Bit by bit, he peeled at that bandaid, afraid to just rip it off and be done with it. I suspect that Beaux does not actually know how to break up with a girl; he just withdraws further and further until things fall apart.

Now, Bayani is not without guilt. She allowed this to happen. Though she fought to keep this man she cared for, at some point I believe she should have seen the writing on the wall and just ended it. I did, with Kaliope. Now, I never really fell in love with Kaliope, not like I have with Isadora, but I was in a similar situation wherein I could tell my presence was creating a great deal of stress, both for Kaliope and her boyfriend, and for myself as well. I removed myself from the equation. Bayani was a lot more involved, a lot more invested, and so was not quite willing to give up on the good parts. But in my mind, she should have nipped that in the bud months ago.

Maybe it’s just easier to see this from the outside.

I am completely in love with Isadora, and if something like this should happen between the two of us, I am not entirely certain I would be able to do as I suggest Bayani do. I like to think I could, but I cannot be certain. I look back at my own behaviors and reactions, and while not perfect, at least I have been able to recognize them for what they were. I am able to say when I am insecure or threatened, I am able to compartmentalize stress from one relationship and not transfer it to another: I don’t blame Isadora for something Bayani did.

Regardless, I believe that if you are going to try to live this lifestyle, you need to be a bit more mature, and a lot more self actualized. Relationship stresses are compounded, it’t not just you and your spouse anymore. There are lot more people involved, you don’t get to be selfish anymore.

Grow up. Be a man. Just rip that damn bandaid off and move on.

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