On Pornography

21 Sep

I too had my share of porn experiences when I was young, though I never had a porn ring like Kasini. My father didn’t own any porn, he felt he didn’t need it because he had a healthy view of sex and sexuality. Surprisingly, his voicing of that opinion probably did more to damage my view of sex than early exposure to pornography could have.

A healthy view of sex and sexuality precludes an interest in porn.

Like any other pubescent male, I was very interested in images of naked women and sex. All of my friends had access to pornographic magazines or movies. Every father on the street had a treasure trove buried at the back of their closet. But not mine.

I was probably ten or twelve the first time I saw a pornographic magazine, when a friend brought out his father’s stash. I had regular access to porn in that manner, where we would sit around and point and giggle and ooh and aah. But I wanted more, I wanted to take those magazines and movies and run off by myself, and I didn’t know why. They moved me in disturbing and compelling ways. I managed to find enough to get by, but barely.

When a friend got caught stealing his father’s stash to bring to the neighborhood clubhouse, all the mothers were notified. Mine sat me down to talk about it, probably thinking she was going to be enlightened and open. All she did was confuse me. I was told it was ok to look if I was curious, but in the same breath she told me only perverts and men who didn’t respect women would ever keep that kind of stuff in their house. She offered to buy a Playboy for me, so that I would not try to steal one, but only a Playboy because anything else was filthy perversion.

I was 19 before I had my own stash, a stack of mixed magazines I found in a parking lot. Again, my mother sat me down to talk about it after she found them, once again thinking she was being enlightened and open. “It’s ok to have those,” she told me, “but you do realize, don’t you, that women don’t really do those things?” What, don’t enjoy sex? Don’t suck cock? Don’t kiss other women or play with dildos or masturbate? So much for a healthy and open view of sex.

Well, all I knew was I was hooked. Not addicted, just fascinated. I loved looking at pictures of beautiful naked women, I loved reading stories about sex, I loved everything about those magazines. And I was torn. On the one hand, I had been taught to embrace my sexuality, that whatever I was feeling was natural, but on the other there were unspoken-and sometimes explicitly spoken-limits to what I should feel. It was natural only if it conformed to their expectations.

I went though my teenage years wondering if I was some sort of sexual deviant. I thought about sex a lot. A LOT. I know now that was normal. But I had no basis for normal. I was the odd kid out, the only one with permissive parents who didn’t make me feel bad for masturbating, and yet I was the only one whose father didn’t own any porn. When the other kids got the urge, they could just sneak into their father’s room for a peak. Not me.

And now I have internet. As much free pornography as I could ever want, right at my fingertips. I still look at pictures of beautiful naked girls. Hell, I have a second tab open right now, with, you guessed it, pornography. I don’t think pornography is dangerous or repressive of women. I think it can be, but no more than any other institution. I think banning pornography is more dangerous than allowing it. I do not think it is intrinsically repressive to women. Woman can give consent, and claiming that all women who participate, even those who do so willingly, are being coerced or degraded, is doing a disservice to women. By making that claim you are putting women into the same category as children or animals or property, as something that is incapable of making an informed decision, something that has to be protected and coddled and taken care of. And I absolutely hate that attitude. I do not deny that there are women being exploited for pornography. But there are women being exploited in every industry somewhere in the world. I still wear shoes, even though women receive less than 20 cents a day to make them in China. I don’t wear shoes made in China, nor do I enjoy porn made by exploiting women.

Worldwide pornography generates between fifty to a hundred billion dollars annually, and Americans spend more at the strip clubs than they do at Broadway, off Broadway, regional and non-profit theaters, the opera, the ballet and jazz COMBINED. This is not a sign of sickness, this is a sign that humans are incredibly sexual creatures, and we need an outlet for that sexual energy. Studies have shown that societies with easy access to porn have a greatly reduced incidence of rape and sexual dysfunction. Pornography is a reflection of sexual desire, not a creator, and usually serves to liberate and satisfy. And not just for men, porn can help women, gays, lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders explore their sexuality and even empower them by helping them realize that they are not alone, that their urges are normal and shared by others.

Now, there is porn and there is porn. I do not like fake porn. Professional porn. Women with elaborate hair and makeup and obviously fake breasts being pounded by men with sculpted muscles, tribal tattoos, and ten inch cocks, that does nothing for me. That face they make when pretending to come, I hate that face. “Oh, yeah, give it to me, oh yeah’. Shudder. I don’t like to feel that they are acting. I like amateur porn. I like regular girls, girls next door, MILFs that  you could meet at the corner drug store. Real women who are genuinely enjoying themselves. Curvy girls, girls with love handles and real tits instead of scrawny skanks with plastic faces and silicone boobs.

Even when I was a teenager I knew the difference between fantasy and reality when it came to porn. I knew what was staged, what was done for the sake of more magazine sales. Penthouse Forum, yeah, I didn’t believe any of those stories then either(of course, now I get to live them, but that is another post). I could tell by a model’s expression that she was not really into having her pussy licked by another women or didn’t really like having a cock up her ass. But on some of those spreads, I could tell she did enjoy it, and that opened up a whole new world to me. Women could enjoy sex, and sex could be more than just missionary between a husband and wife. Women enjoy sex. Isn’t that one of the tenants of the feminist movement? Women enjoy sex to, it’s not just for the man. And porn taught me that.

Despite my parents best efforts, I learned a lot from porn. I had no idea you could lick a pussy until I saw it in a magazine. Kids talked about it, but there was no mental image to with the words. I didn’t know what they were talking about. I didn’t know the mechanics of sex, other than insert Tab A into Slot B, repeat. And I didn’t get to experiment till Bayani and started having sex at age 19. My parents were ex hippies, with a healthy fear of AIDS. “It’s not like it used to be, it’s not safe any more”. Save yourself for marriage, that was the message.

I want my children to have a healthy view of sex, I want them to grow up as well balanced and open minded as they can be. But what kind of double standard would I be giving, if I hid my porn from them? Do I let them see what is on my computer at this age? No. But when should they be able to discover it? Should I let them find it on their own, when they are ready? Should I carefully select examples of healthy sex for them to find? Should I just let it happen and be there to talk to them when they have questions? Will people react differently about exposing my teenagers to porn if they know I have daughters instead of sons?

Raising children with a healthy knowledge of sex and sexuality has been on my mind lately. How much of our lifestyle should I let them see? Will Fanny be nothing more than a good friend, or will they be allowed to see consenting adults showing affection for one another?

Our society has certain expectations about sex and how we talk about it, certain rules. Should I teach my children those rules? Or should I teach them how to hide, how to blend in, how to pretend for the sake of appearance? What will that do to them, knowing that their family is different?

I am torn. I do not have all the answers. No parent does. These are all things we have to grapple with, and I like to believe that the fact that I think about it will give my children an advantage over those who just let their kids grow up on autopilot, expecting that whatever society teaches them is good enough.

So I do the best I can, and hope I don’t mess them up to badly.

9 Responses to “On Pornography”

  1. andrameda September 23, 2011 at 12:18 am #

    well I am absurd…

    @jimcarrey (aka Charlton Heston) (total joke) (fuck it is funny, really) You are hot. your cock now In my mouth and our eyes met, transfixed, butt. I do. I grab you there and you scan the skies for the onslaught of, paparazzi, and, how could you? Not. Really. It blows as I blow you. I am so tired of the helicopter photographs and beachside bungalow disruptions. You told me you had “everything figured out”, and that the dick cock hard in my mouth now moved to hips and inside lower lips could best the scripts of any cool duos dumb although we like the Cohens both. I ha ha ha haha have made a wet mistake. You like the sounds of hummingbirds and silent cyclamens, and so I suck and suck again, but there is no satisfaction? where worlds don’t stop unless you vaca in St. Barts or no? where do the media hounds speculate about such spunk eeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeee doods.? My hands both tangled round your firmness man, and then a sound sends you fitful to the limp parts of your brain. I can’t do this forever! and then God if my fingers wrapped round your hardness can’t distract you from the fame then why … a beachy cat fight and the awful yowls have your strong arms lifting me up again and I rest and up and rest and slowly juicifully on your member —> ship you to the goddamn farthest parts of the earth! A fucking message?! It is not like taint is a negative. Oh oh oh oh oh slip slip slip the finger into the WHAT? Who wrote about your colonoscopy? who gives a fuck fuck fuck fuck me! I hate you ness ness ness ness. Why did we ever start this twitter romance, oh yeah, because you broke up with so and so, and she has the audacity to show up your film ology. I don’t care where you have carved out my backside with your knees and we are again face to face and breathing. Ha ha ha he he he ha wheh wheh wheh, NO! it is simply lightning not your following. And, yes, butt grab the answer to the agents of our physiology where you are now slowed down and busy discussing your next project and I heap on top of your gigantic ness ness ness ness ness ness to practice all my neighborly moves when you abruptly end the pace and there we are Mr. Celebrity again just face to face. So I, the lover of birds who tweet on a wire and the lover of yowling cat fights and small town stuffs jerk myself out of your lust and write these words, much more than characters in filmy filthy language lounge. And. I sit and smile and cum so swiftly by myself. I do not desire fame. Good bye. bang bang

    • Kasini September 23, 2011 at 7:56 am #

      hey andrameda, it’s good to see you around here! I definitely love your sense of the absurd, kiss kiss, bang!

    • Myrddwn September 23, 2011 at 9:22 am #

      O.o

  2. andrameda September 23, 2011 at 11:40 am #

    o.O Hi Ho There.

    Sometimes, I confuse myself. Most likely, it is because I too raise children and must think about things, all things, with my children in mind, which IS confusing. When you are a parent, and a good one at that, you rarely get the opportunity to not think about your kids and their needs. My kids are big kids, so puberty, sex, sensuality, porn, and sexual identity are subjects most definitely on their minds and mine. They watch a lot of shows and internet clips, and this bugs me because I don’t want a media influence to dominate their sexual development. They follow and admire movie stars and rock stars and may be gearing up to follow porn stars, sigh, who knows. Me? Am I supposed to know? about their young sexual fantasies? If I really think about that, my children’s sexual arousal and the divined fantasies that come into their minds, I must admit, I shudder. It scares the crap out of me. Really. Also, I don’t want to become a grandma because my son has discovered how soft and inviting, once past the vestibule, the inner workings of his girlfriend(s) vagina(s) are. I worry the most about him.

    Last night, after a couple of glasses of pinot grigio I decided to write some absurd erotica. I was goofing. hee hee My eldest recently told me that Jim Carrey was a nutbar and so, he popped into my head. The rest is just absurd. O.o

    I heard about this place and shared on a night, when after a long day of parenting, I was feeling silly. It must be that the autumnal equinox, the beginning of autumn, has me thinking about change and how I need to worry less and enjoy more where my kids are concerned. They are the digital natives of all things including pornography, and I have YET to discover in any of their online gamblings a preoccupation with sex, sexual imagery, and porn. It may very well be coming on down the pike, but, as I understand it, the kids of the digital age have an ability to self-monitor within the sea of free-flowing information, that, unlike us older folks, prevents them from going overboard (with porn or shopping or politics? yuk)

    one more thing, All family’s are different. Don’t ever forget that. If your family, is the open-minded family, my guess is, your kids will be popular? 😉

    • Myrddwn September 23, 2011 at 12:03 pm #

      Yes, but I worry that they will be popular for the wrong reasons. If they embrace their sexuality will that lead to socially unacceptable(but perhaps healthy) promiscuity? The best I can hope for is to raise them with healthy attitudes towards sex, so that when they encounter porn or begin having sex, they will make the right decisions. Right for them, not for society. It’s the same with booze and drugs and cars and shopping and politics.
      I have a friend who no longer comes to my barbecues, because he does not want his son to see people drinking. Really? Is this how you protect your child? What happens when he gets to college and suddenly has access to booze, yet has not developed the mental tools to self-regulate his consumption? How will he compare to my children, who are growing up watching adults drink, both in moderation and to excess. My children will learn what is acceptable, and what is not. I hope that they will have the same mental tools when it comes to sex. Pretending sex and porn do not exist will not protect them, and will deny them the mental tools they need to navigate a complex, contradictory and often times frightening adult world.

      • andrameda September 23, 2011 at 12:24 pm #

        The hard to accept truth… at a certain point during your child’s growth and development, you will all of the sudden realize that you have been gradually working up the courage to, gasp, TRUST your child to, usually a teen by this time, make the best decisions for him/her self where the scarier temptations of life are concerned. And, because, YOU are a parent with an open mind who is observant, socially conscious, and collaborates with other like minds, your child will do the same. I swear on my son’s dead rat Maria’s grave. She was such an honest rat.

        Point is, if you are doing all the right things for your family and the best you can, your children will need you to allow them to make decisions, which may ultimately be mistakes, and trust them to learn on their own. I know you know this. so, smile, you are so smart!

        OH yeah, along the way, it is fun to bitch about the annoying parents with the like-minded parents. It can be a gossip tonic.

        Tell ya what, I hate it. IF they would only always do as I say! – jk

    • Kasini September 23, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

      this is why I really love the Our WHole Lives sex ed curriculum put together jointly by the United Church of Christ and the Unitarian Universalists. It has 2 components. the first component is about exhaustive, current, explicit, comprehensive information about sex, sexuality, risks involved (not in a scare-you way, but in a way so at to provide accurate information so as to make informed decisions). The program is abstinence based (much different than abstinence only) where the premise is that all people are sexual creatures from cradle to grave, and that expression of that sexuality is normal, natural, and nothing to be ashamed of. But that there are health and emotional risks from engaging in intercourse at too young an age. We define sexuality very broadly and encourage masturbation, exploring of bodies, and alternate ways to be sexual without focusing on penetrative sex. We also talk about social pressures, social norms, and decision making processes and knowing yourself and your boundaries and ways to hold those boundaries in the face of social pressure to cross them.

      The second component is a spiritual component. This is where the UCC and the UUA part ways. I don’t know what the UCC does, but in the UUA we bring our 7 principles into play: how to express your sexuality in ways that fit your morals, our principles, and your own spiritual path (be it christian, pagan, Jewish, athiest, or some blend of your own). There’s a lot of talking, a lot of listening, and a high level of parental dialogue with their youths. at the end of the 12 week class we want the youth (and parents) to feel comfortable carrying on the discussion with each other. It’s pretty impressive. And it’s usually offered free to the public as a community service.

      • Myrddwn September 23, 2011 at 4:48 pm #

        Yeah, unless Hell freezes over and they revoke that idiotic Abstinence Only policy in this backwater state, I will likely enroll my daughters in the Whole Lives program.

  3. andrameda September 23, 2011 at 12:44 pm #

    Ok. So. Comedic relief am I the one who “wings it” so to speak where you have a clearly defined mission statement. heh ha!

    par example, my short and underdeveloped son, adorable as he is, likes hickeys. I think he feels taller and more important in the school hallways. The taller mustachioed boys take notice.

    I tell him to slow down. To wait for things. To appreciate his body and his friends in such a way that the kissing becomes natural and not a blood sucking mash fest of meaningless confusion. That he should love his body and his mind before being sucked into things, and he should always respect women sexually – he is pretty much a healthy heterosexual boy as far as I can tell. We talk about hormones and puberty and the differences between boys growth and development and girls g & d. He listens to me, which I think means I am doing something right. so far, no more hickeys, but he does have a girlfriend.

    We also discuss health risks and I plainly tell him and my girls that the sex-ed program in the public schools is lacking.

    I so appreciate these comments. I must pick up the kiddos now, and I will review Whole lives sex ed further. We are all whole. I like that.

    You parents are my kind of people. Take care.

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