Was It Worth It?

19 Sep

My wife’s boyfriend dumped her.

This was a whole new drama I was not prepared for. She cried for days. She called him names. She hated him, she loved him, she didn’t know how to feel. It was like living with a sixteen year old.

Apparently she had seen it coming for a week. That explained the worried, stressed expression she had been wearing for days. It seems Abernethy’s primary had become threatened by Bayani, and didn’t like sharing any more. I think he tried to do it via text, but she demanded he at least do it in person.

He did. And she cried some more. For days.

I will let her go into the details of the breakup, how he could have handled it differently, what their relationship is at the moment, and how she felt through the whole thing. All I know is she cried a lot, and depended on good ol’ long suffering Myrddwn to make it better.

A small part of me was relieved it was over, that I would now have more of her to myself. It wasn’t that I minded sharing in principle, I just didn’t like having to give up time with my wife on a case by case basis. When he was playing with her, I was not. Then I felt guilty for being relieved.

Another small part of me was irritated that his relationship with her had boiled over and spilled into mine. I didn’t like that she cried around me, that she pouted in front of me, that it added a great deal of stress into my already stress filled life. And I felt guilty about that too.

Mostly I was upset that my wife, my best friend, my life partner, the Mother of My Children, was hurt. I wanted to make it better, and I couldn’t. I was there for her when she needed a hug, or a compliment, or a shot of tequila or a good hard fucking. That was it, that was all I could do. She had to get through this on her own. Without me. And I hated that.

And it dragged out. Over the course of the next week they kept texting, poking at the wound, making it worse. They were trying to make it better, they still wanted to be friends, but Abe is not the best communicator and he kept saying the wrong thing, asking the wrong questions.

I tried to understand what she was going through, but it was hard. How, exactly, does one comfort one’s wife after she has been dumped by another man? Another person, I should say, because it didn’t matter that Abe was a male, this person caused her pain. Bayani will no doubt suffer even more when Fanny finds her own primary to settle down with and breaks things off with us. I will, too. I dunno, maybe it is worse for me that he is a male; I am not 100% comfortable with her dating other men. I’m ok with it, I really am. But I find I don’t want to be friends with the guy, I don’t want him over for dinner, and I don’t want to double date with them. This tells me I still have some lingering problems with it, not enough to get in her way, but enough that I have my own issues arising from the breakup. I find that I am resentful of his intrusion, and of the time it has been taking her to get over it. I find myself thinking ‘she has a husband who loves her, why is this one little loss such a big deal?’ Not exactly a fair question. These are my own issues, ones I will not burden her with, she is troubled enough already. And they really are nothing more than minor irritations, no more than passing fancies.

It’s a week later, and she still tears up. Last night it was seeing his changed relationship status on Facebook. She showed me a picture of the rival girl who was chosen over her, and demanded to know who was prettier. My wife is, definitely; the other girl looked like a dude.

It has been interesting to watch this from(mostly) the outside. She really did let herself care for the guy. She went into this with complete abandon, she did not hold back. This was not just about having dirty titillating sex with a man other than husband, this was about having a complete relationship. It was draining for her when it ended, and I wonder how often she will allow herself to do this. Will she throw herself into the next relationship? Or will she tread lightly, moving slowly and cautiously? Will there be a rebound, and how will I deal with that?

This is not like the breakup of a single person. There are too many other people involved to allow that same kind of impulsive, selfish behavior. I’m talking about revenge sex — relax all you single people I’m not implying you are selfish or impulsive, or even that Bayani is, just this one specific behavior she showed. Bayani confessed to wanting to fuck his best friend just to hurt him. Again with the 16 year old behavior? This was nothing more than a shyly confessed urge, and I must commend her for realizing what she was feeling and why. She would never act upon such an impulse. And I can understand that desire, wanting to lash out like that. And even the impulse to give in to a rebound fuck, I can understand that, knowing she would never act upon such an inclination. Maybe if she were single, if she did not have several other people to be courteous of, but I doubt it. She’s too nice a person to really hurt someone.

This has even affected my relationship with Kasini. Because of the timing of things, with Bayani’s relationship with Abe starting just before I allowed myself to act on my feelings for Kasini, there has been a slight undercurrent of worry that the only reason I am allowed to be with her is because Bayani has Abe. And once that ended with him, I was certain Kasini would be worried that I would have to stop the sexual aspect of our relationship. This is not the case. Abe did allow my wife to relax her insecurities about Kasini, but now that we are through that door, there is no need to close it.

This breakup has affected more than just their relationship. It has spilled over into the one I share with my wife, and the one I share with Kasini. I am not entirely certain how Fanny has been affected by this, we don’t talk about things the way I do with Bayani and Kasini.

It is rather naive to assume, and maybe I did, that her other relationships would not spill over like this, that she could keep them to herself. We are both affected by this, we have shared this event, and we both have to own what we feel rather than shove it aside. We are too close, share too much, to expect to keep every aspect of our other relationships separate. I think it is ok for me to have the reactions I have had. It’s ok for me to be irritated and impatient, but it is not ok for me to snap at my wife, or insist she move on already. It is not ok for me to tell her my sympathy has run out. And it is ok for her to let her grief show where I can see it, where I can be affected by it. Where I can help her with it.

So it’s over for now. There will be other relationships for her, and for me. I have learned a lot from this one, both about myself and about my wife, and I am sure I will have something new to learn from the next one. I just hope it is not nearly so painful for her. I asked her if the joy she got from it was worth the pain he caused her.

She answered without hesitation.



21 Responses to “Was It Worth It?”

  1. Kasini September 19, 2011 at 1:11 pm #

    so, what, are you saying when I dump your ass you won’t grieve?

    I expect you to grieve for at least the time it takes you to walk home from the coffee shop.

    • Myrddwn September 19, 2011 at 1:51 pm #

      Oh no, you misunderstand, this post was not about my reactions to any of my past, or future, break ups, it was about my reactions to HER most recent breakup.
      I fully expect that when you dump my lame ass I will curl up under the blanket for a week, only to emerge looking like I just got off a week long bender: blurry red eyes, scraggly beard(more than usual), unkempt hair and reeking of self loathing and misery. I will not handle it as well as Bayani has.

      • Kasini September 19, 2011 at 1:58 pm #

        excellent. With that in mind I will not dump you right before a major holiday or your birthday.

        I’ll wait till 10 pm the day of just to show how sensitive and caring I am.

      • Myrddwn September 19, 2011 at 3:23 pm #

        That is so kind of you. However, I do like to drink rather heavily on those occasions, and I doubt I will be able to recall getting dumped the next day. I might very well simply plod along as if nothing happened. Expect me to show up on a saturday night with a box of condoms, a bottle of tequila, 50′ of rope, and the biggest anal plug you have ever seen…

      • Kasini September 19, 2011 at 3:48 pm #

        so I can write all the ways you pissed me off on it and make it easier to shove them up your ass?

      • Myrddwn September 19, 2011 at 3:52 pm #

        No. Though if I ever piss you off that badly I don’t doubt you won’t hesitate to throw any one of those items at my head.

      • Kasini September 19, 2011 at 4:05 pm #

        I don’t throw things. I’ll just give you that look and slam the door in your face.
        I’ll keep the tequila, though…

      • Kasini September 19, 2011 at 4:06 pm #

        maybe the condoms, too.

      • Myrddwn September 19, 2011 at 4:09 pm #

        Noted. If Kasini ever slams the door after snatching up the tequila and condoms, then I probably missed something important…

      • Sonata September 19, 2011 at 6:22 pm #

        “However, I do like to drink rather heavily on those occasions, and I doubt I will be able to recall getting dumped the next day.”

        Nah, you’d still have the email the next morning to remind you.

      • Myrddwn September 19, 2011 at 6:24 pm #

        I just laughed out loud, Sonata. Yes, you are right, she and I do email an awful lot!

      • Kasini September 19, 2011 at 6:47 pm #

        and, yeah, I DO tend to break up with people I care about via the written word… looks shifty eyed while blushing

  2. Kasini September 19, 2011 at 1:16 pm #

    on a serious note, though, I can see why Bayani might have felt that urge to revenge. Revenge is so acceptable in our culture. A woman scorned is expected and encouraged to engage in harmful behavior as a way to get revenge. I would not consider myself a vengeful person at all and yet I find thoughts like that running through my head sometimes.

    • Myrddwn September 19, 2011 at 1:52 pm #

      We discussed those urges, and we both concluded that what she wanted was not to hurt him, but for him to be hurting. She wanted it to have meant as much to him as it did to her, she wanted to see that it was not easy for him, that she mattered. And he was in pain, and it was not easy for him, and she did matter.

  3. Kasini September 19, 2011 at 4:03 pm #

    it did feel kinda strange that day that you told me that Bayani and Abe were no longer lovers. I mean, it wasn’t unexpected, but my feelings about it were. i was SO MAD at him. I mean, Bayani is freaking awesome and who would let someone else’s insecurities keep them from her?

    And i did start wondering what that meant for the sexual relationship between us. Intellectually I dismissed the idea that it was just automatically over, because you and I had already talked about how Bayani having Abe isn’t the thing that cleared the way for you and I to start playing. But, still, as the day wore on i felt myself getting quieter and more withdrawn. It wasn’t until your email with your reassurance (that felt, to me, out of the blue) that you and I weren’t going to stop playing just because Bayani and Abe weren’t being sexual anymore that I realized what I’d been doing. As soon as I read that i realized that all day I’d been letting go of you. If you’d written or called me to say that you and Bayani were taking a break from independent relationships for a while until things settled I would have been unshocked and nonchalant about it.

    • Myrddwn September 19, 2011 at 4:17 pm #

      Well I hope I have managed to reassure you that you and I are still ok.
      You are right, Bayani is freaking awesome. She is by far the best person I know. Asking that you and I stop our new sexual relationship never entered her head, it was never on the table. And even while she was hurting, she didn’t ask that I skip coffee or an intimate date with you.
      I can, however, understand why Abe would give up a chance with her for jealous primary. He only gets part of her. A very small part. I live with her, I have children with her, I am married to her. He can’t have any of those things with her and he wants them. So he gave up the little slice of Bayani he had for a chance at everything with another woman. I can understand that.

      • Kasini September 19, 2011 at 5:29 pm #

        see, now, this is where my brain gets stuck. He gave up all of that awesomeness “for a chance at everything with another woman”. That presumes that he can’t have everything with another woman while still being in relationship with Bayani. That’s not true. He just can’t have those things with THAT other woman while being in a sexual relationship with Bayani. And that’s where I get stuck. And I admit that i’m treading murky water here, and I apologize to Bayani and to Abe and to everyone else for what i’m about to say. I get stuck because I don’t think that jealousy and insecurity should be rewarded with the big prize. I don’t think exclusivity should be the result of jealousy. I think that’s a shitty reason to be exclusive. Now, if primary was upset because Abe was unable to be fully present with her in building the type of live-in, nuclear family relationship that they BOTH wanted, and requested that he end things with Bayani for THAT reason, then that’s one thing. To be upset and insecure and not want to share is totally different. I can accept that he did it, that he doesn’t think this is wrong, and that Bayani is still friends with him. i can support her friendship with him, and if I ever meet him I can revise my opinion of him. For right now, though, I’m still allowed to think it’s bullshit.

      • Myrddwn September 19, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

        I agree with you. I was not condoning his decision, just saying I think I can understand it. And you have to realize that not everyone looks at this from our enlightened point of view. Most people simply cruise through life doing what they have always done, thinking what they have been taught is normal really is normal. Yes, she is coming from a place of jealousy and insecurity, but she thinks that is normal and right. She does not realize she could have even the white picket fence and 2.5 kids with Abe EVEN with him having his little thing with Bayani. But I am not party to all the details, and I am beginning to speak of his and her motivations, and I will leave this for Bayani, who wishes to explain it all in her own post.

  4. bayanni September 19, 2011 at 6:46 pm #

    My comments will be conserved for a post which I will write when I am ready.
    For now, Thank you Kasini, and Myr for being so supportive when I was stupid. I knew it was coming, but I didn’t know it was going to be this bad. You have both stepped up and been more than I deserve.

    • Kasini September 19, 2011 at 6:52 pm #

      I don’t think you were stupid. You lead with your heart. Just because i’m a walled-off, suspicious, cynical, sideliner, doesn’t mean I’m smarter than those who jump in with both feet and give of themselves with no reservations…

  5. roxy5683 September 19, 2011 at 9:03 pm #

    Bayanni! You are NOT stupid! I am so sorry you are in a position to feel all of this hard stuff. I think it’s awesome that you opened your heart and jumped in head first. I am SURE that all signs pointed to YES before you were so free to feel. And I’m sure Abe meant everything he said then, that made all the lights look green. Things changed for him, then they had to change for you. People are often not honest simply because they don’t know what they want and once they figure it out it’s often going to result in hurting someone else. It is awesome that you have the courage to love (and love many!), and lucky to have so many supportive people around you to truly listen and be invested in your experience with you. And I say revenge fucking is fun! As long as it’s mutual and casual and carnal and understood… (but maybe you should avoid doing this with friends, or friends of friends…;)

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