I Woo Women With Food

7 Sep

They say the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

I disagree. It’s a woman’s heart you can win with food.

In our society, it is women who typically do the cooking. I know, it’s not the 50’s anymore, but you still see so many couples where the woman is expected to cook. They don’t even discuss it, they move in together and the woman just starts taking over the cooking.

So a man who can cook, who is not only willing to do so for the odd special occasion, but a man who is good at it and actually enjoys it is something special.

Yes, I am bragging again.

I really am a good cook. I make my own beer batter pizza dough from scratch. I make marinara and bolognese. I make pad thai and pho and dahl, and not from a box or package. I grill and Q. I make cheesecakes and pastries. I make caramels, just to give to pretty girls. And eclairs and souffle. I love to work with butter and cream, with caramel and chocolate. I love spices, chipotle and cardamom and cilantro. I have a serious love affair with garlic.

Mostly I cook because I enjoy the process, and smelling the food as I prepare it whets my appetite. I cook so my wife doesn’t have to. She brings home the bacon in this household, and she gets to come home to a (mostly)clean house and dinner on the table. I may have already caught her, but that does not mean I don’t have to continue wooing her. I still surprise her with special dishes from time to time, just because, or maybe when I know she is having a hard day. White chocolate lavender souffle. Peach upside down cake when they are in season. Peaches, not cake. Cake is always in season.

I do it with Unicorns too. Once we find a Hawt Bi Babe who makes it past the third date, we then invite her over here for dinner. I usually make grilled pork tenderloin, with cumin roasted potatoes and garlicky dinner rolls.

Each of the girls we have dated have had their favorites. Carlotta was partial to aebleskivers and liked waffles for breakfast. Fanny likes madelines, and prefers crepes for breakfast. Remembering what they like and how they like it is just one small way to show I have been paying attention. Fanny doesn’t like Swiss Cheese or too much frosting on carrot cake, Kasini doesn’t like onions or celery. I’ve been bringing Kasini little tasty gifts for a while now, caramels and toffee and mini cheesecake bites and eclairs.

I don’t even realize I am doing it sometimes, using food on women. I am the go-to food guy in our party crowd. I run the grill and I bring the cheesecake. When people find out I am cooking, they call ahead and ask for a plate to be set aside before it disappears. I love to hover around the table, suggesting tasty bites for pretty girls to put in their mouths. I like to give them foodgasms, even if I can barely remember their name.

Some of this comes from growing up with low self esteem. I like the attention, the validation, but it is also a way to interact sensually with a woman without risking rejection.

Eating really is a sensual experience, I think it pairs well with sex. Cowgirl goes well with garlic burgers, doggy style with ribs, the inverted Indrani with chicken marsala. Two of the three basic Hedonistic experiences of food and sex and booze. It sets the tone for the evening: this is going to be all about the pleasure, about enjoying ourselves, about indulgences. When you are eating and when you are making love, those are some of the few times that you are immediately in the moment. You are paying attention to what you are doing, what you are experiencing right then. You are not thinking about the mortgage of the meeting you have on Monday or if how many miles it’s been since your last oil change. All you are thinking about is what that last bite of caprese salad is doing to your mouth or how delicious your lover’s fingers are on your inner thigh.

I think that is why I use food on women. It grounds them, pulls them into the moment, centers their attention on me. I made this, I gave this to you, I am making love to your taste buds. Good food brings people out of the higher brain functions down into the more primitive, sexual part of the brain. Right where I like to live.

Yes, the quickest way to a woman’s heart is through her stomach.

And we all know the quickest way to a man’s heart is through his penis.

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