It’s Not Vulgar, It’s Not Invasive, It’s Not Mouth Rape

2 Sep

I used to know a guy who refused to go down on his girlfriend, he claimed it was ‘sucking cock by proxy’. I asked him if he ever kissed her, and after a moment’s thought said ‘not any more’.

This same guy demanded blow jobs from his girlfriends as a right, as something they owed him. He loved to smack the back of their head just before he came, shoving them down further and forcing them to gag. He thought it was funny.

Guys like this, they’ve ruined it for the rest of us.

There are women who think sucking cock is ‘icky’ or ‘dirty’ and would never consider doing it. There are women who think it’s an act of male dominance tantamount to mouth-rape. And there are women who enjoy giving their partner pleasure.

My wife is one of the latter.

When I go down on a woman, I am enjoying giving them pleasure, as well as enjoying the act itself. Cunnilingus is pretty common now, it is considered one of the only sure fire ways to bring a woman to orgasm. Most of us do it, and nobody thinks anything of it. And if you won’t do it, then you are being an inconsiderate lover. But going down on a man? Ew, no thanks, don’t shove your phallus in my face.

I once met a woman at a party who had exactly the opposite opinion of the guy above. She totally dominated her husband(not in a BDSM way), and demanded cunnilingus every time they made love. She justified it as being the only way she could orgasm. She also refused to even consider taking his cock in her mouth. That was barbaric. Her opinion was that a man could get off simply by sticking his cock anywhere warm, moist and reasonably tight. His orgasm was accidental. Once she had hers, he could do what he needed to, she didn’t care.

These are, of course, extremes in opinion, and I do not wish to digress into a discussion on hypocritical views of sexuality. There are double standards in our society, unhealthy attitudes that need to change.

But I am talking about blow jobs.

I have written before about my wife and I using blow jobs as some sort of currency. Perhaps I should give you some context. We joke about it. I demand blow jobs for favors, or even for winning bets. She knows I am joking, and would never consent to performing fellatio if I ever truly demanded it. Sometimes she offers, sometimes I ask. Sometimes she turns me down.

When we first started having sex Bayani had no interest in performing oral sex on me. She didn’t demand I eat her out either. I was certainly happy to, and we quickly learned it was, like those magazines at the checkout line claimed, the easiest way to bring her to orgasm. Gradually she became more and more comfortable with me, and began to explore.

At first she would give it a few reluctant slurps, mostly because she felt it was expected of her. But I never asked, and I never demanded. So it became easier for her. She started sucking for longer periods, and eventually stopped being so hesitant. I still never asked her for it. This was just foreplay, something we did during sex, I never came in her mouth. Not once.

One day she realized she actually enjoyed giving me pleasure with her mouth. It turned her on. She did it a lot more frequently, and for longer periods, after that. And she got good at it. Really, really good at it. We still usually keep fellatio as part of our regular sex routine. We give each other pleasure, and that is just one of many ways she chooses to pleasure me. Chooses, that is the key word you need to understand.

After about six or seven years of marriage, I once jokingly asked her for a blow job for my birthday. I was not serious, and I certainly didn’t expect her to agree, she shocked the hell out of me when she did.

It was fucking incredible.

Here was a sexual act that was just for me. I didn’t have to do anything, didn’t have to make sure she came first, didn’t have to work all her erogenous zones in just the right order to get her aroused. It was just for me. All my attention was focused on what she was doing to me, and it was one of the most intense orgasms I have ever had. She did it to me, I didn’t rape her mouth, she was in control.

There are a lot of women who are proud of their technique, they think they suck the best cock in the world. In a way, they do. Blow jobs are a bit like hamburgers(insert obligatory dirty comment-if it doesn’t get all over the place, it doesn’t belong in your face), some are better than others, but in the end what matters is you get a hamburger. Just the fact that you are willing to do this for us is a huge turn on, but that does not mean you shouldn’t try to get better. Every cock is different, just like every clit likes to be touched or licked in a different way. Some men like to feel teeth grazing their skin, a reminder that it’s in your mouth. Other men like it deep, or sloppy, or hard and fast or slow and teasing. I happen to prefer no teeth, deep, sloppy and slow. Like all other sex acts, watch your partner’s reactions and do what he responds to. Don’t assume that just because you are willing to put your lips around he should be thankful. If you are not able to enjoy doing it, don’t. You are not obligated, you don’t owe it to him, don’t force yourself. He won’t enjoy it if you have that attitude.

I still only outright ask for one about once or twice a year. Infrequently enough that she is more than willing to agree. She offers slightly more often than that, usually when she is ‘unavailable’ due to being uncomfortably reminded she is not pregnant. Sometimes I turn her down, to save them for when I really feel I need it.

It’s not that she dislikes it, or that she perceives it as some sort of invasive domination on my part. The reason I don’t ask for more blow jobs is the fact that she likes doing it. It gets her hot. She wants to fuck after she sucks cock, and I don’t want to walk away and leave her horny.

So we joke about it. She asks if I wouldn’t mind if she stays out late for the third night that week, and I tell her ‘only if you give me a blow job when you get home’. She knows when I am joking, and when I am serious. I don’t smack her head down to make her gag, and I certainly don’t think I own rights to her mouth.

Now, I am not suggesting everybody should go out and suck a cock right now-although if that happened, I think the world would be a happier place. I am suggesting people stop a moment to think about their views on various sexual acts, fellatio to cunnilingus, bondage to anal sex. Not only are those acts not as repulsive as some of you might think, they don’t always have the social connotations you might think they do. Not everything is about dominance or power or violence or control.

Sometimes things just feel good.

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16 Responses to “It’s Not Vulgar, It’s Not Invasive, It’s Not Mouth Rape”

  1. SLB September 2, 2011 at 12:05 pm #

    I have always assumed men were just happy I was willing and I enjoyed it. Why? Because they say it was amazing and I was so good at it. Really now, they all couldn’t mean it, they just want me to do it again!

    • Myrddwn September 2, 2011 at 12:16 pm #

      But if you sucked(no pun intended), then would they want you to do it again?
      If you are willing and enjoy it, that right there is 90% of the way to a perfect blowjob.

      • SLB September 2, 2011 at 4:59 pm #

        I really didn’t know this. I tend to be over enthusiastic and have to be drug away with the guy saying if I don’t stop he will come. I don’t think that is a bad thing, but those are the ones that usually only have one in them! But I do have a major oral fixation. Thank you for giving me a peek into the secret minds of men. You need to write a book about this!

      • Myrddwn September 2, 2011 at 5:10 pm #

        I used to have to stop Bayani, but she has learned what my penis does before I come, so she stops herself.
        If you are getting them to that point that easily, then you don’t need to listen to a damn thing I have to say!
        Rock on!

  2. bayanni September 2, 2011 at 9:22 pm #

    Yes. I actually LIKE to perform fellatio. Myr leads me to believe that I am good at it. I have yet to have that confirmed by another man. (yes, even Abe) There is something really cool about taking control of a man like that. Making him completely aware of nothing other than what you are doing to him. I don’t even like to be in control for the most part, but I love when he stops breathing for a minute, just before he climaxes.
    It is a very powerful feeling.
    Rock on indeed SLB, if you have gained the same power over your own lover!

  3. Myself September 10, 2011 at 7:15 am #

    Just came back to re-read this post. You make an excellent point about CHOICE. My partner and I make sexual favour jokes often.

    • Kasini September 10, 2011 at 9:04 am #

      I’ve only this last year or so started making sexual-favor jokes. I never made them with my ex-wife at all. But, as an example, last November I posted on fetlife (a fetish social networking site, sorta like a kinky facebook) a picture of my snowed-in house with an offer of sexual favors for anyone who came and did snow removal and I thought I was HILARIOUS. (safe, though, as there was no one local to take me up on the offer).

      I think bargaining for sexual favors can be really funny. But it can also be really hot.

      • Myrddwn September 10, 2011 at 9:17 am #

        quietly raises hand
        ‘I could take you up on that offer…’
        You posted that on Facebook too you know, so it MUST have felt safe. I wanted to come shovel your walks that day. But I wanted the sexual favors, and I was not ready to admit that yet, so I kept my damn mouth shut. If there was zero attraction going on, I could have safely shoveled your walk and laughed about the offer. Sorry, your tits ruined a free snow shoveling for you.

      • Kasini September 10, 2011 at 10:12 am #

        I’m pretty sure I didn’t post that on facebook, unless it was just a status, because I just went and looked through my pictures and the picture I posted with that joke is not uploaded to facebook. Perhaps I sent it to you in an email. Or perhaps I deleted it right away (it would have been visible only to a select list of people anyway) Or maybe you were logged into fetlife again…

        So. A blowjob for some walk shoveling?

      • Myrddwn September 10, 2011 at 10:22 am #

        See?!? Kasini gets it.
        I will gladly come shovel snow off your walk today for a blow job.
        I have never had a Fetlife account, and Bayani didn’t either at that time. I SWEAR it was on Facebook, but I could be remembering wrong, it could have been an email. Regardless, my reaction stands.

      • Kasini September 10, 2011 at 10:52 am #

        meh, I already shoveled snow today. Maybe tomorrow.

        I think it was a coffee conversation. No matter.

      • Myrddwn September 10, 2011 at 5:47 pm #

        Had it been a coffee conversation I would have looked away and changed the subject before you were able to discern just how interested in that offer I really was.
        Let me know if you need some snow shoveled tomorrow and we can work something out.

      • Sonata September 11, 2011 at 3:33 pm #

        I think I remember a story about some pancakes, too…

      • Kasini September 11, 2011 at 8:04 pm #

        I remember that story, too. That’s a really good story. Makes me smile.

  4. bayanni September 10, 2011 at 5:48 pm #

    PS Myr, I DID have a FetLife account at the time. I’ve even seen the pic Kasini is talking about. I’ve had the account for a long time, I just get all inactive sometimes. I even had a few friends. I think they all left. Now I have NEW friends! =)

    • Myrddwn September 10, 2011 at 6:02 pm #

      I stand corrected.

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