On Limitations and Disappointment

11 Aug

I have said before that I do not believe you can put limitations on love.

One of the hallmarks of Unicorn Hunters is their list of Limitations. They can explore their sexuality, but only with other women, and only if they are a shared partner. The male may only sleep with women that the wife is sleeping with, and the bi sexual wife may only sleep with women, not other men. That would be too threatening to the male. And at no point are they allowed to actually care for the poor Unicorn. They never consider the needs or wants of the other person.

A common pitfall for couples first venturing into the poly lifestyle is putting restrictions on each other. Sometimes they maintain a veto, the right to say ‘you can’t date her’ or ‘not him, anybody but him’. Sometimes they have a One Penis Policy.

But even more experienced poly folk can still fall into the trap of limitations from time to time.

Like I did.

When Bayani first told me she wanted to be able to explore things fully with Abernethy, I told her I was fine with that, as long as she could respect a few boundaries for me.

Our bed was off limits. In the house was ok, as long as the kids weren’t around. On the couch, the kitchen, the backyard; those were all fine, but not out bed.

Always use a condom. Always.

No blow jobs either. Bayani does not give me many blow jobs. Now, don’t misunderstand, that woman loves to suck cock. And that is the problem, it gets her wet. It’s not fair to ask her to pleasure me with no return. So, if she won’t give me many blow jobs, then why should Abe get one? And frankly, I find jizz distasteful, I do not relish the idea of kissing her after he shot his load in her mouth. A condom clad cock in her pussy is just fine, but no jizzz in the mouth.

Don’t be submissive with him, save that for me.

Don’t have sex with him when you know I am at home, waiting for you to come home for sex. No sloppy seconds.

There were a lot more limitations that sprung to mind, but I swallowed them. I felt bad about asking her to restrain her behavior at all, but I felt I needed to hold firm on a few things.

Go ahead and feel free to have sex with him, but only in ways that are not threatening to me.

The day after they bumped uglies, I was looking at a long stretch of days where our schedule would likely not allow us to have sex until friday. And then Bayani asked if she could go out with Abe on friday. And have sex.

I was not cool with that.

I wanted to enjoy that ride again a few times before he got to go again. I asked her to come home to me that night. I asked her to choose him over me. She did, and I was felt better. She agreed that all of my limitations were reasonable. I think she was just trying to make things easier for me.

Bit by bit I began to relax my limitations. She never had a chance to be restricted by a single one of my requests. I think I just needed to know she was willing to accept them. It was how I worked things out, maintaining a sense of control over a situation that really did not involve me at all, other than as a consideration. And you know, if Bayani had a problem with those limitations, then she should have told me.

She finally did.

She said it felt unfair that I asked her to come home friday night. You see, from HER point of view, she was looking at the next two weeks knowing there would not likely be another opportunity for the two of them to hook up. This was it, nothing else for weeks. Now, she knew this was a purely emotional response on her part, and perhaps that was why she was at first reluctant to bring it up. She could give no single credible, logical reason why her new secondary should come before her primary. But the feelings were there, and logical or not, I had to take them into account.

Well, by that time we had actually managed a couple of good fucks, including a lovely session where I had her strung up by her wrists, naked and vulnerable, hanging from the pergola. Yup, backyard BDSM, there is a reason I built my fence 8 feet high instead of the standard 6. So we negotiated a compromise. She would go out and play with Abe on friday, but would come home and give me a blow job. Everybody was happy.

Friday came and went, and nothing happened. They went to a wedding, and after went to dinner with some other roller derby people who did not know about their relationship. They were invited to a midnight showing of Labarynth. They could not fail to show, people would talk. They had to be on their best behavior and suddenly it was too late and they were too tired.

No sex for Bayani. She was very, very disappointed.

Oh, I got laid. Fanny came over. Bayani didn’t get home till almost 2, and I was far too tired to give it up by then(had she not been experiencing the beginnings of a sinus infection, Bayani would not have taken no for an answer). All that fuss over nothing.

Well, not for nothing.

It got us talking, and that is always a good thing. Luckily I had already removed pretty much all of my objections. All of em but two.

Not in our bed, and always wear a condom.

I think those are reasonable, what do you think?


2 Responses to “On Limitations and Disappointment”

  1. Kasini August 11, 2011 at 1:43 pm #

    I think the only person who needs to think they’re reasonable. And reasonable in a deep, not-trying-to-avoid-hurting-your-feelings kinda way, is Bayani.

    What I want to know is: if she HAD had sex with Abe, would you still have insisted on a blowjob? What if she had had sex with Abe and you had not had sex with Fanny?

    Because, if you want my absolutely honest opinion here, a blowjob just because she’d had sex with Abe sounds a little like paying you for the privilege.

    I’m really hoping Bayani will write a post of her own soon. I think she has interesting things to say, and a great perspective to bring.

    • Myrddwn August 11, 2011 at 2:34 pm #

      The blowjob was simply to ensure I was still able to receive the sex that I had been anticipating. If Fanny had not come over, and if Bayani had slept with Abe, I would have liked to have received my oral sex. I would not have insisted. Would I have gotten upset if she had turned me down? Probably, but it would not have been a temper tantrum that I didn’t get my promised BJ, it would have been an extension of the original objection. Again, there was going to be a long period(relatively) without her and I being intimate, and the first opportunity our schedule allowed she was choosing him over me(insecurity? Maybe, or maybe I just wanted to be able to screw my own wife). The blowjob was not payment, but served to ensure intimacy. It allowed me to recant my limitation without loosing anything.
      In the end, she stayed home from her roller derby practice thursday(not for me, she was not feeling well enough to skate), and we therefore had an unforeseen opportunity to fuck that completely removed my original objection. BJ was off the table. I had the intimacy I wanted, and suddenly didn’t care if she fucked him or not. Though I would not have turned down a free BJ had she offered…

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