That Was It?

8 Aug

It blew up.

Just a little explosion. Small in hindsight, but much larger when right in the middle of it. Expecting to do what we do without hitting any speedbumps was kind of ridiculous.

It happened a couple days after my wife slept with another man for the first time.

I read an email. Now, keep in mind that Bayani and I are open about everything. I allow her full access to all of my emails, every site I visit, every text. She offers the same open access. After her first time with Abernethy, our shared girlfriend Fanny asked her how it was, and she answered in an email. She offered to let me read it, and I declined, wanting her to be able to express herself freely without worrying about how I would react.

I didn’t think about it for a day or two. Then I came home late one night, long after she was in bed. I was not sleepy, so I decided to dink around on the intertubes for a bit. Her email account was left open on my computer. I admit it, I peeked. I mean, she had given me permission, it was ok. I still violated her trust, because I had told her I would not read it. I later apologized, once things calmed down enough to get to that very minor infraction.

But I still read that email, and contained within was information that set off a major anxiety attack.

In hindsight, I can now realize that I was already experiencing an anxiety attack when I clicked open that email. I think that is perhaps why I felt I had to peek, I was driven by emotions not under my control. I get them sometimes, not often, but I get them. And sometimes they can be debilitating.

There were a few things in that  email that bothered me. I’ll save you the boring details, and get to the juicy parts. Most of it was small stuff, easily handled with some introspection and a five minute conversation after work.

But the big thing that set me off, that triggered an anxiety attack so bad I was unable to sleep at all that night, was the size of his cock.

But not in the way that you think.

After the big event, I asked her all kinds of questions. That is how I process through things, by gathering as much information as I can. This was unnerving to her, but she complied(it was weird to be discussing her lover with her husband). She told me he was longer than I, but not nearly so thick. OK, I could live with that.

In the email to Fanny, she said he was just as thick, but nearly two inches longer.

She lied

She lied to protect my fragile man ego. She lied to me so that I would not know how small my cock really was. She lied to poor, little dicked me.

At least, that was how I felt. Thank you anxiety attack for giving me a clear and level head.

Never read your lover’s email about penis size whilst in the middle of an anxiety attack.

Back on topic. The one thing I will never tolerate from anybody, from my kids to my friends to my lovers, and especially from my wife, is being lied to.

I really can handle a big cock.

Wait, that did not come out right. I can deal with my wife’s new lover having a much larger member than mine. Let me put into context for you. Fanny has one of the greatest racks I have ever seen or played with. Good god she has great tits. I love em. I love to play with em, to suck on em, to rub my dick between them. They are spectacular. They have a  fan club. But I don’t make love to those boobs, I make love to the entire woman. And it would be just as good if she didn’t have them. They are so very nice though…

But my favorite pair of all, are my wife’s. Just the thought of how they feel in my hand is enough to get me hard. They way her nipples harden against my palm, their texture, their taste. Gods above I love those tits.

So, if Fanny can have large, spectacular juggs and I still prefer Bayani’s, then it logically follows that Abe can be hung like a donkey and she would still prefer mine. Because it is attached to me. His giant cock might fill her like she has never been filled before, but mine fits her like we were made for each other. Mine is still her favorite.

I am not threatened by Mr Donkey Dick. I am threatened by her need to lie about it.

We talked about it, and she did admit to trying to protect my fragile man ego, but not to lying. De-emphasizing was what she said. I can accept that. I understand the motivation.

She did it because I am the most important thing in her life, after our children, and she did not want me to get upset. Because her biggest concern is not playing with that dick, it is making sure I was not hurt. And before she understood just how anxious I was, she had even offered to end things with Abe.

I told her Hell No. At my worst, I never even considered asking her to end things. What would that solve? She would still enjoy large cocks, I would still have trouble trusting her to be honest, and there would be a great deal of resentment on both sides.

No, telling her I was upset was a much better tactic. It worked. Everything is better now. Hearing that she is willing to give up this exciting new partner that makes her feel sexy, that is enough.

So, she has promised to be completely open, even with things she fears I will not like. She has to trust that I can handle it, and that I will tell her when I can’t. We talked about our open email policy, and while we agree that there needs to be access in theory, we have agreed to respect each others privacy. I CAN read her emails to and about Abe, but I won’t. As long as I am allowed to, then I don’t really need to do I?

My being upset has also triggered a day of anxiety for Bayani, who spent the day worrying that she had somehow hurt me. She didn’t. The fault was not hers, there is no blame to be hurled around like a bucket of monkey poop. This was a communication error, and a great big stinking pile of an anxiety attack.

I knew there would be a blow up. I was surprised when it didn’t happen, and now that it has, I can relax. I can deal with this. Overall, it is a pretty small problem to overcome.

In hindsight, it was a pretty small speedbump.

Yup, that was it.

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3 Responses to “That Was It?”

  1. Kasini August 8, 2011 at 12:56 pm #

    ah those anxiety attacks, they’re sneaky and they’re devastating sometimes. Way to go handling the speed bump, you two!

    • Myrddwn August 10, 2011 at 3:51 pm #

      Overall, I’m pretty proud of how we have handled this. Some feelings were hurt, there was a little jealousy and insecurity, but we’ve talked about it, made new promises to each other, and overall our relationship is just that much stronger for it.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. A different side of the story…Part two–guest post by Bayani « - August 31, 2011

    […] but didn’t give all the facts. Myr got upset. This whole deal has been dealt with in a previous post. I felt a little attacked at the time, and was trying to be reassuring and honest, while letting […]

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