Wait, You Mean He’s a Real Person?

4 Aug

With real feelings and insecurities and everything?

I am talking about The Other Guy. The one my wife has a relationship with. I guess I should give him a name. In keeping with my alphabetical naming system, and because this was Bayani’s first, I will start with the letter A. Allister. Alphonse.  Abernethy. Yes, Abernethy. Abe for short.

Bayani took a picture of dinner one night, my famous Beer Batter Pizza, and sent it to Abe. He texted back that he was suddenly unsure how he could ever measure up to me. Bayani had to assuage his fragile male ego.

Abe was intimidated by me.

Wait, what?

I was so caught up with supporting Bayani, making sure Fanny didn’t get jealous, and dealing with my own journey of personal growth that I had never stopped to consider that there was another person involved here. A real person, who had their own feelings and insecurities and everything. And he was insecure.

There were two epiphanies here. The first was embarrassing, the second therapeutic.

Yes, I had failed to realize there was another person involved. I am a little embarrassed to admit this. Keeping the emotional needs of people I am directly involved with, from my wife to my girlfriend to my friends and acquaintances, is easy.  But Abe, even though I have met the guy, he has been more theoretical than real, an intellectual problem to be solved.

So now I can’t just tell Bayani to see him less or text less if I am feeling insecure, I have to consider his needs too. I can’t only let her see him when it is convenient and comfortable for me, he has his own schedule and moods, work and bills and recreational activities. Well, Bayani needs to take these into account. I just need to be aware they are there, and should be more willing to accommodate him. First he fucks her, then he worms his way into my considerations.

It did feel kinda nice to know he was intimidated by me.

By thinking of him as human, will limitations and failings, he became less of a threat. Well, he never really was much of a threat. I know I will win. Bayani will always choose me over him. I know that if I threw a tantrum and insisted she stop seeing him, she would do so without hesitation. With regrets maybe, but not hesitation. She would do that for me. And knowing that is enough. I will not ask that of her of course. I do admit that if he begins taking up too much time, too much energy, I might want to put limitations on the relationship. If he ever gets more sex than I do. If she spends  more evenings with him than she does with me. But those are just my own insecurities, and I doubt that will happen.

I do wonder what he thinks about me. Does he feel jealous that she spends 99% of her time with me? The she comes home to me every night? That I am, and will always be her Primary? The best he can hope for is Secondary, and Tertiary is much more likely. Is he fine with that? Can he be happy with what she is willing to give? Does he thank me for teaching her that thing she does with her tongue?

I think so.

I think of Fanny. I am happy with what time and energy and affection she can give us. I don’t want it all, I only want what she is willing to give.

So yeah, now I have one more person to consider, and I’m not even sleeping with the guy.


One Response to “Wait, You Mean He’s a Real Person?”

  1. Bayani August 5, 2011 at 9:09 am #

    I am so lucky to be surrounded by so many courteous and amazing people. Abe has been very considerate of every limitation, and extremely patient. He has good reason to be intimidated. Myr is a lot to measure up to. They have both been gracious and kind during this drama-filled time of self-introspection. I love you Myr.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: