Something Happened Last Night

2 Aug

Here we go, deep breath. *whew*

Last night my wife of 14 years went out and had sex with another man.

And I am fine with it.

For the past few years we have had a One Penis Policy. Well, mostly she had the policy. I realized some time ago that I would be ok with her dating other men. A few months ago Bayani was surprised to realize that she had a crush on another man,an official from her roller derby league, and she decided to temporarily suspend her One Penis Policy.

So much for me being ok with her dating. Theory and practice are quite different it turns out.

Yes, I was uncomfortable with the idea of my wife having sex with another man at first. I was also uncomfortable with the idea of her forming an emotional bond with with. This bothered me. I mean, I  call myself polyamorous, I claim to believe in the theory of polyamory, yet when faced with it in practice(other than the fun threesomes we keep having), I have the same emotional response as a mono.

I felt like a hypocrite.

I told her to go ahead and explore her feelings, and if it lead to sex that was fine by me. She got to work on her new relationship and I got to work examining my emotions. I will save the exact process by which I realized I really was fine with what my wife was doing for another post where I can devote more attention to the specifics. I will also be talking today about the fucking, because that seems to be what most people focus on, rather than the emotional intimacy(which I quickly realized was not an issue at all, sex is easy, love as strong as we have takes years and he will never be able to threaten that).

Bayani was very considerate of my boundaries and comfort level, which made it much easier for me to assure her that I was fine. I wanted her to be able to explore her sexuality freely, without remorse or guilt or shame. Exploring her sexuality, I should point out, involves more than playing with women.

Eventually I became truly comfortable with the idea. A few lingering doubts still managed to creep in, but those were pretty much left over cultural programming. I quickly realized that the only way this was going to damage my relationship with my wife, was if either of us behaved poorly. If I got upset, then she would get upset. If I got angry, then she would feel guilt or shame, and then there would be trust issues and forgiveness issues. I wasn’t worried about what she was doing, I was worried that she would come home from the encounter upset. But she didn’t, and nothing bad happened.

Last night my wife fucked another man, and I don’t care.

I take that back. I do care. I am excited for her. She came home last night and we talked about it. I asked her how she felt, and how it felt. She was fine, and it was ‘good’. I know my wife pretty well, and I could tell she was holding back. She didn’t want to tell me just how good it really was. And she was holding back something else. Not hiding, she was still processing something. When I asked her about it, she told me she was thinking about how easy it was. She had anticipated more anxiety on her part and was worried what it meant that there wasn’t. I told her it meant she was ready.

I did experience a little twinge of jealousy hearing about how much fun it was. I think part of me wanted to hear that no man could ever please her like I do. Deep down, I know they can’t. I have almost twenty years of experience pleasing her, I know her responses, I can read her like nobody else. She was vanilla when we started(hell, we  both were), and every new experience she had I gave her. I helped her realize she likes anal, I helped her realize she was submissive, I helped her realize she enjoys giving head and swallowing. And I helped her realize that it is ok to fuck another man.

I gave her all that, and he will never be able to measure up. But he can give her something I cannot: the novelty and excitement of a new relationship. It had better be good. Hell, it had better be spectacular, or it is not worth it. So yes, there is still some jealousy, still some small amount of negative emotion on my part. But very little, staying home with the kids so she could go fuck him was not an unpleasant experience at all. There was no anxiety, I did not sit here tense and upset, picturing what they were doing, each image of their twined limbs a stab to my heart.

It did take some work for me to get here, but I am happy I did it. I was able to let my wife explore her sexuality, to act on her desires without guilt or shame. I think our relationship is stronger now than before, now that we have both had to seriously look at ourselves and our jealousy and needs.

That’s right, my wife fucked another man, and I’m happy about it.

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4 Responses to “Something Happened Last Night”

  1. Kasini August 2, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

    seriously, you two are awesome. You’ve known this was a possibility from the beginning and instead of trying to close that door, back down the path you started on, you kept going, pushed through discomfort, felt your feelings and looked through them to see the feelings under the feelings.

    Not everyone can do that.

    I hope readers don’t think by my above sentence that I think everyone should be poly, that everyone should be happy their spouse fucked another person. Not at all. But I do think everyone should know themselves, be willing to sit with themselves and follow their unpleasant feelings and thoughts, and come out the other side their best self.

    • Myrddwn August 2, 2011 at 5:56 pm #

      That self exploration is why I am glad it happened. I’m not a cuckold. I’m not turned on by the idea. If she never does this again, I will still have achieved something, and our relationship will hopefully be stronger for it.
      The hardest part is not the feelings of jealousy or insecurity, it is the ‘should’ feelings that come from cultural programming. According to society, I ‘should’ be angry, I ‘should’ demand she stop, I ‘should’ feel badly about this.
      Well fuck society.
      This is my wife, my relationship, and I won’t be angry, I won’t tell her to stop, and neither of us will feel badly about this.

      • Bayani August 2, 2011 at 8:10 pm #

        I don’t feel bad. I am keeping my own counsel about the evening, partially because it is a little unsettling coming home from an intimate encounter with someone to be quizzed mercilessly about it.
        It was nice. It was worth it. I am glad Myr is okay with it, because I want to do it again.
        If anyone has a problem with me seeing another man, they should look to their own relationship. If my husband doesn’t mind, and the man I am seeing doesn’t mind, and my girlfriend doesn’t mind then nobody else matters.
        I am proud of Myr for being okay with this. I am proud of his self examination and maturity.
        I think it was harder for me to get here than it was for him.

      • Myrddwn August 3, 2011 at 7:45 pm #

        That is how I process, with as much information as I can gather. I didn’t grill her, I asked no more than a dozen questions. Two dozen tops.
        Turned out I just needed to wait for her to mentally digest what went down so she could express herself to me in a comfortable manner.

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