Jealousy Inside Out

19 Jun

Happiness isn’t getting all that you want, it’s wanting all that you have.

I am awesome. I am having so much fun right now being me, that were I to die right now, I would want to be reincarnated as me. I really am this awesome.

I have an incredible wife(and a spectacular girlfriend), great-if occasionally frustrating- kids, until recently a really cool career, I’ve written a book, I can cook, I love my house, my friends and family are awesome.

And yet, there are things I wish I had, or did, or was.

I want to be published.  I want to travel to Europe.  I want a bigger yard, a bigger house, a finished basement.  I wish my car weren’t so old and unreliable.  I want to camp and hike more, I want to be able to go on all those really cool kayak trips my hippy cousins take.  I want a leather biker’s jacket; I think I could pull that off.  I wish I could afford to pay for more classes and day camps and lessons for my children.  I want my asshole neighbor to move away and leave me alone.  I wish I could win the lottery so I had the money to do all the things I want to do, so I could help out those friends who need money.

Some or these wants and wishes are reasonable, some are a bit more ridiculous. OK, I admit I tried to make them all look reasonable, I didn’t put down that I wish I had a bigger dick or that I want to get it on with Charlize Theron.  You would laugh at me if I told you that.

There was a party last night.  One of those epic parties full of incidents that we will be referring to for years to come, laughing or cringing at the shared memory.  Nipple pinching and Puke Belly, gummy bear astronauts and a balloon pig wicker man.  I used to wish I could go to those parties.

Now I am a fixture.

Realizing that was an interesting epiphany. There were a lot of new people at this party, a whole new crowd who have not met me before.  Rather, this is the second party with most of the new crowd, a lot of them remembered me from the last one.  It was interesting to hear the things they remembered about me.

‘You’re that food guy!’

‘You’re the writer!’

‘Hey, I remember you, you’re the carpenter who built this awesome deck!’

That was good for the ego.  I also got to introduce myself(and my wife and girlfriend) to the new people.  There was a whole lot of ‘You are a lucky, lucky man’ said wistfully as I would stand there with one arm around each sexy girl.

I got to talk about my book, about my garden and chickens and the beehive I have begun constructing.  I talked about food and recipes, about literature and publishing.  I got to brag about my kids and my deck and porch and pergola and swing and- I build awesome stuff, and I got to brag about it.  People who know me backed me up with a chorus of ‘You should see his deck!’ and ‘You should try his cheesecake!’ and ‘Remember that time his daughter pooped on the floor?’

For years I was jealous of a couple of cousins of mine.  They don’t have a wife or kids or house to hold them down, they take off any time they want to back pack across the Saw Tooth Mountains, or they hike across India, or climb El Capitan, or plan river rafting trips in Alaska.  I’ve made different decisions, lived a different life.  I paid bills instead.  I chose to work.  I wanted to come back to a house that had not been foreclosed upon.  I enjoy having a job that pays more then minimum wage.  I do not want to live in my van for two years.

One of those hippy cousins recently confessed to me that he was jealous of my life.  He wants a great wife and kids.  A better job.  He wants a house he can fix up, space for a garden.  A real bed and a toilet.

Every once in a while you need to reset yourself like that.  You need to hear that other people are jealous of what you have.  To take a step outside yourself and to realize that what you have is pretty damn awesome.

I really am this awesome.

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3 Responses to “Jealousy Inside Out”

  1. gypsygrrl July 20, 2011 at 12:17 pm #

    i havent been by to read in awhile (i’m a friend of kasini)…but something brought me here today to check on things…

    a few weeks or months ago i had one of those *reset* moments.
    it was a discussion with an exgf, who fairly devastated my heart and my mind when she ended our relationship (read: gave up on me) for some issues i was having at the time. having the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with “give up” on you can be, hell IS, devastation defined. somehow, we still remained friends…you know, the whole incestuous nature of lesbian culture. heh.

    anyway. this fall will be 10yrs since we started dating. 9yrs since she ended us. it will also be 2yrs since i completed the hardest thing i have ever done in my life (nursing school) and 1yr since i moved out on my own…financially self-sufficient for the first time. ever.

    a few months ago we were talking on the phone, and she expressed her happiness for me, that everything had come together for me, and i was “in such a good place”…working, making enough money to pay the bills and save some and still have some fun-money for spontaneous outings/trips when i wanted. [this has been so foreign to me, especially in the whole persuit of the RN thing years] and i felt this odd kind of envy in her voice, as she has some considerable financial issues these days. i almost felt like i was interpreting that vibe as something of i-wish-i-hadnt-given-up-on-you-back-then, when she realized how “settled” i am…[and perhaps that she’d have a wife who could put her on her health benefits!!!]

    who knows if it was ME wishing for that kind of validation or not.
    but it was good to feel and see that despite anythings i feel i dont have, i have a pretty sweet life 🙂

    [sorry for the rambling]

    • Myrddwn July 21, 2011 at 11:04 pm #

      Well thank you for coming back. Things have been slow, but we are still here, still growing and learning. Kasini just moved to a new house and has not had time to write. As for Bayani and I, well, we are going through a new growth phase right now, and I will write more once we are done.

      • Kasini July 22, 2011 at 4:31 pm #

        yeah, i need to write again. I almost have something to say!

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